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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you marry for wealth?

369 replies

COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 17:40

On a thread recently a woman in her 30s said she pursued a man 40 years her senior in a quest to secure financial security.
As a female of a similar age, it made me think a lot. Whilst I can't, or at least at a stage, couldn't imagine sleeping with a man of that age, I can see why people would do it and can make sense of it.
The poster said she was sick of being broke and working for nothing and with that I can relate to. She never gave any details of her job etc but as a college graduate with a degree I myself work in a professional job yet am still renting and likely always will be with little savings and bugger all pension really.
The older I get the more it scares me and I would consider it I think sometimes but I don't know if I could go through with it. Could you?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 13:04

@COOKFORD

Unless you went in armed with butterfly nets and chloroform, he was a perfectly willing and witting participant. He made his own choices

he was a lonely old man on a dating site, i pretended to have feelings for him.

I don't believe for one second that a rich old man who dated a much younger woman (his choice! He could have restricted himself to his age group) thought that she was after his charm. He's seen even more of life than you have...
Practicebeingpatient · 03/10/2021 13:11

I know two women who married their partners because the men were wealthy. I don't think they did it consciously but were so dazzled by the glamour of old money that they rushed into weddings. Both have now been married over 30 years. Neither of them are happy. They are married to difficult men. Because it's family money it's all tied up in trusts etc for future generations so they would get very little if they divorced I get the impression that they would like to get out but don't want to sacrifice the lifestyle they've grown accustomed to.

fournonblondes · 03/10/2021 13:17

I would not marry for wealth but I would not marry a person who have money problems or not prospects in life.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 13:23

I would not marry a person who have money problems or not prospects in life

while so many people have said this I beg to differ on the principle that if many here met the man of their dreams and were madly in love with him they'd soon marry him for love.

The truth is the world (and this board) is full of people who would have said they wouldn't marry a deadbeat but once they meet him and falll in love many will do what they say they wouldn't do.

The same is true for those who say they wouldn't marry for money, easy to say when you haven't been poor or ever experienced poverty and despair. Of course on mn logic, you will be told to go back to college or retrain etc but in real life it's never just that simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 13:27

Both have now been married over 30 years. Neither of them are happy. They are married to difficult men

of course but there are many in the same position except with no money. In other words, marrying for money isn't a guarantee of happiness yet it's still a much better position to be in a bad marriage with the ''difficult men'' with money than in it with none where things then are going to be much worse.
If these women had to switch positions with many other women their age living with debts and deadbeats they'd soon appreciate their station much better and release it's actually happiness.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 14:06

Well OP, maybe you just need to look for a man who is financially secure, but also not too far off your age and who is pleasant company for you. I'd say that's what most women are looking for.

Even sex workers can turn work down, like anyone else. I read a few accounts by some who said they could usually be professional no matter what the guy was like, but occasionally got a john who was so absolutely repulsive that they would pretend their period had just started unexpectedly.

Fizzbangwallop · 03/10/2021 14:18

Most men 30-40 years older than me are already dead. I don’t think this idea would work for women over 60!

vivainsomnia · 03/10/2021 14:38

Of course on mn logic, you will be told to go back to college or retrain etc but in real life it's never just that simple
YOUR real life! In my real life, it is exactly what many people do.

It's much easier to say it's not possible though to justify using someone for their money.

RedBonnet · 03/10/2021 14:49

You said that women who do this always walk away with a decent divorce settlement. In that case why are you back in shared housing? Where's your big divorce settlement?

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 14:52

@RedBonnet

You said that women who do this always walk away with a decent divorce settlement. In that case why are you back in shared housing? Where's your big divorce settlement?
She didn't do it.
Siriisatwat · 03/10/2021 14:55

Oh God if I could turn back the clock, yes, I’d marry for money in a heartbeat.

vivainsomnia · 03/10/2021 14:56

I never thought it would come to this but I've shared this thread with my you g adult son.

If I told him that even in these days and age, there are still many women who will let me believe they are in live with when they only care about their money, will count the years until they get to 5 to know they can then divorce and get half his money, he wouldn't believe me!

I hope he decides to never get married after reading this depressing thread.

Alicesays · 03/10/2021 15:01

IMO life is so hard and all we have is people who love us, and the people we love. So no, I'd prefer to find someone I connect with. But I have always worked and supported myself financially so never needed a man for that.

userxx · 03/10/2021 15:01

No, if i wanted the finer things in life I'd earn my own money. Can't stand people who leach off others.

I'm happy with what I've achieved for myself.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 15:03

*YOUR real life! In my real life, it is exactly what many people do.

It's much easier to say it's not possible though to justify using someone for their money*

I went back and trained, git the degree etc. MN is filled with threads with educated people in good jobs who can't afford a house.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 03/10/2021 15:07

I went back and trained, git the degree etc. MN is filled with threads with educated people in good jobs who can't afford a house
And yet there are many thousands of educated women in the UK who manage to earn good money.

If they can't afford a house, it might be for various choices they've made that prevented them to do so, the most common being having children before becoming a homeowner.

vivainsomnia · 03/10/2021 15:09

Getting a degree alone means nothing at all.

If you have a degree from the OU in Ancien History and no experience at all working in that field, yes, you likely will struggle to earn good money afterwards.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 03/10/2021 15:10

I married a very wealthy man - wife number 3 - 10 years older - I was married less than a year after meeting him- the scales from my eyes fell quicker and soon divorce followed - far easier to walk away with nothing so I did

DeeCeeCherry · 03/10/2021 15:14

COOKFORD
look around you, most men, and people, won't look great at 60 never mind 70s

DP is 66 and handsome, still gets hit on. People don't disintegrate at 60. I'm 58 and I haven't as I look after myself.

Aside from that I cant judge anyone who'd marry for money as there are some desperate circumstances out there. As long as they hold up their end of the bargain it's fine I suppose. Mutual benefits.Their life.

I'd never be with a broke man, he has to at the absolute minimum be 'very comfortable'. But women are judged more on those things, if we don't agree we'd marry a Mr Broke solely for luuurve we are problematic. & women who proudly declare they married Mr Broke are lauded, albeit a broke good looking man can get away with much/easily pull a woman anyway although that's rarely admitted.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 15:18

DP is 66 and handsome, still gets hit on. People don't disintegrate at 60. I'm 58 and I haven't as I look after myself

perhaps but the vast majority of men over 60 don't compare physically to men in their 20s and 30s. Time is a great healer but a lousy beautican x

OP posts:
juice92 · 03/10/2021 15:47

Would I marry someone purely for money? No

Would I look for a potential mate who was in a similar place career wise to me, and was good with money? Yes. I am fortunate enough to be comfortable and if I was single I would be doing alright financially and I would want someone to be in a similar position.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/10/2021 16:03

COOKFORD
perhaps but the vast majority of men over 60 don't compare physically to men in their 20s and 30s.
tbh I wouldnt want them to. Id be knackered! A slim upright handsome 60+ will do for me, I have a specific type.

Time is a great healer but a lousy beautican x

Oh so true😁

1forAll74 · 03/10/2021 16:29

It would work for some women, those who simply like the idea of all the trappings of great wealth, and all that this can mean, and that they can also have some freedoms too.

Sometimes, relationships like this, maybe with an older wealthy man, mean that you maybe not have to be super glued to him at all times, and can have your own little flights of fancy when you feel like it.

If things start to get a bit no go with the older man, and he crumbles a bit when older, you will have plenty of money and other things to get on with, and you may end up with a super inheritance and mansion to have fun with. Sometimes, you may not have the right man for you, but you can have some benefits in all other ways.

There are people who live like this, I know a few, everyone is different.

scarpa · 03/10/2021 16:30

I wouldn't have married anyone unless they were on the same level as me (mentally, life goals, politically, sexually) and I was attracted to them. So whether or not they had money wasn't really relevant - that person could have been a millionaire or skint.

As it happens, he was skint, and we've spent years dragging ourselves out of that and are starting to see the benefit. Would I go back and marry someone rich to have avoided those years of having no central heating on in January and the phone being cut off? No, because I'm proud of where we are together now. I don't have it in me to be someone else's financial responsibility.

My sister would absolutely marry for money, and I quite envy her bloody mindedness (and the massive house she will no doubt have at some point hahaha). But I still wouldn't switch.

Ireolu · 03/10/2021 16:45

I would without a doubt marry someone for money (older or my age) as long as they were not abusive. With age I have got more realistic. The first question for a friend now who has a new boyfriend isn't 'is he hot?' like it used to be in our 20s. It's 'Is he good to you?'

On the flip side we could ask what an older man is doing in such a relationship. Everyone is generally clear on what they r getting from the set up.