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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you marry for wealth?

369 replies

COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 17:40

On a thread recently a woman in her 30s said she pursued a man 40 years her senior in a quest to secure financial security.
As a female of a similar age, it made me think a lot. Whilst I can't, or at least at a stage, couldn't imagine sleeping with a man of that age, I can see why people would do it and can make sense of it.
The poster said she was sick of being broke and working for nothing and with that I can relate to. She never gave any details of her job etc but as a college graduate with a degree I myself work in a professional job yet am still renting and likely always will be with little savings and bugger all pension really.
The older I get the more it scares me and I would consider it I think sometimes but I don't know if I could go through with it. Could you?

OP posts:
Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:34

Or are you blaming yourself for even considering it

pretty much.

OP posts:
Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:35

Do you wish you had carried on

not 1 bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:38

Being dependent on a man is the last thing I would want to be

it's not a thing anybody 'wants'.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 02/10/2021 23:40

@COOKFORD

Being dependent on a man is the last thing I would want to be

it's not a thing anybody 'wants'.

Some people do though. I don't, you don't but there are plenty of threads and answers on this thread that tell you that some women still see being dependent on a man as a valid choice.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:43

there are plenty of threads and answers on this thread that tell you that some women still see being dependent on a man as a valid choice

perhaps but the difference is these women still wouldn't pursue pensioners.

OP posts:
Hairbrush123 · 02/10/2021 23:46

I wouldn’t. I’m very fortunate that DP and I don’t really have any financial problems or argued about money so perhaps if we did, I might feel differently

User57327259 · 02/10/2021 23:49

An insight from another angle

I would not marry for money but my ex husband did. I was not all that rich at that time but loads better off than him. He was invited to leave my house (fastly!).

He still holds that grudge. I don't care though. I do what ever it takes to stay well away from him and those who try to copy him

ChequerBoard · 02/10/2021 23:49

Are you OK OP?

Where does the pensioner come into it?

Sittingonabench · 02/10/2021 23:49

Marrying someone older and wealthy purely for their money - no I couldn’t do that. But equally just because someone is older and is not attractive by societies standards based on the beauty of youth, that would not stop me but it would depend on whether I found them attractive (kind, generous, challenging intellectually, caring of family and friends, similar interests, adventurous, fun) and could see myself genuinely caring for them. Without those things I think you would end up in a bitter place.

StormyCornishSeas · 02/10/2021 23:57

I would! Maybe not someone in their 70s but someone in their 40s maybe 50s hell yeah.

MajorNeville · 03/10/2021 00:16

Yes. I mean I wouldn't if I hated him, but if I marry again he'll definitely have some serious wedge.

Mammyloveswine · 03/10/2021 00:17

Absolutely

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2021 02:12

of course but he can do plenty of other sexual things to you even with a limp cock

Oh sweet Jesus 🤢

No I wouldn't, not a chance.

Namenic · 03/10/2021 06:36

Cookford - all the best. I think you made the right choice. I’m not saying people who make the choice to marry for wealth are wrong - I’ve seen people who do this from overseas countries (where life is v tough) - and I can sympathise.

Owning a house isn’t everything. Do you have any friends or relatives you can trust to house-share with? A lot of my relatives did this when they came to this country. It has it’s problems (and you have to make sure they are not dodgy people) - but it can help with saving money. Build your career and save. If you find a lovely kind partner with similar values - then great! If not, then you can still improve your lot with hard work and saving - and have wonderful friends.

Bananarice · 03/10/2021 08:07

If we shared religion and core values, why not? All relationships are a risk. I believe love can grow. Everything is not about looks. I'm not shallow. If everyone knows what they are getting into and have the capacity to enter into marriage, then they should.

As long as it is legal and no tricks or abuse involved then I will applaud them and be genuinely happy for them. I'm currently marriage to man who is not rich.

It doesn't need to be prostitution, but a marriage of convenience.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 08:24

@COOKFORD

Time to move on then, surely. What does it matter what other people think

hard to, it's scarred me. Now I'm back living in shared housing.

What's scarred you about it? You didn't sleep together. Did he treat you badly in some way?
kinzarose · 03/10/2021 08:31

We have arranged marriages, and a big part of that 'match' is ensuring that the man is likely to be able to financially support his family well (regardless of the woman's potential salary). So yes for me money was an issue and I would very much encourage my dd's to think about that too. I have a disabled child and as a result cannot work. I've never had money worries, and this has made things sooo much easier to bear.

A school friend of mines DH left her and their dc very suddenly as he had an affair and left the UK. She was left with debts, lost the house, her and the dc had to go into temporary accommodation and she had a really awful time. She met a man in his early 70s (she was 40) and they started up a sort of companion relationship. They got married and both seemed to benefit. He wasn't rich, but very comfortable. He died a few years ago and she now is very financially comfortable, has a home both in UK and Spain and looks about 10 years younger as she has relatively few worries. She isn't 50 yet but has no need to work, has plenty of time for leisure activities and family, she certainly has no regrets.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 12:44

What's scarred you about it? You didn't sleep together. Did he treat you badly in some way

We lived together for 6 months and shared the same bed, it feel horrible. I refused sex but he'd be rubbing my legs etc and we'd cuddle, nothing else really. I just felt like a whore.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 12:50

@COOKFORD

What's scarred you about it? You didn't sleep together. Did he treat you badly in some way

We lived together for 6 months and shared the same bed, it feel horrible. I refused sex but he'd be rubbing my legs etc and we'd cuddle, nothing else really. I just felt like a whore.

Well clearly you're not ("sex worker" is a less loaded and misogynistic term, by the way), and I doubt he felt inclined to apply any derogatory labels towards himself, so I don't see any reason why you should. As before, if there's anything wrong in this then buying someone is worse than being bought. Demand controls a market, supply means nothing if nobody wants it.

This was obviously a very unhealthy relationship for you so you should be proud that you got out of it and are now free to meet the right person. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

ChequerBoard · 03/10/2021 12:54

@COOKFORD

What's scarred you about it? You didn't sleep together. Did he treat you badly in some way

We lived together for 6 months and shared the same bed, it feel horrible. I refused sex but he'd be rubbing my legs etc and we'd cuddle, nothing else really. I just felt like a whore.

But you left OP. You thought you could do something and when push came to shove you just couldn't.

Now you know that's not how you want to live. There's no point beating yourself up, you have learned from that mistake and now you can move on.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 12:55

This was obviously a very unhealthy relationship for you so you should be proud that you got out of it and are now free to meet the right person. There's nothing to be ashamed of

i let him touch me and he disgusted me, he was an old man who looked in his 80s,a smoker and drinker, it just makes me ill; and it was my fault.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 12:56

@COOKFORD

This was obviously a very unhealthy relationship for you so you should be proud that you got out of it and are now free to meet the right person. There's nothing to be ashamed of

i let him touch me and he disgusted me, he was an old man who looked in his 80s,a smoker and drinker, it just makes me ill; and it was my fault.

Why do you think it was your fault?
Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 12:57

Why do you think it was your fault

I initiated it, I went looking for it and now I'm back to square one.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 12:59

@COOKFORD

Why do you think it was your fault

I initiated it, I went looking for it and now I'm back to square one.

Unless you went in armed with butterfly nets and chloroform, he was a perfectly willing and witting participant. He made his own choices.

As a PP said, you left, you learned, you know better who you are. You're better equipped now to find what makes you happy. No need to wear a hair shirt.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 03/10/2021 13:01

Unless you went in armed with butterfly nets and chloroform, he was a perfectly willing and witting participant. He made his own choices

he was a lonely old man on a dating site, i pretended to have feelings for him.

OP posts: