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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you marry for wealth?

369 replies

COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 17:40

On a thread recently a woman in her 30s said she pursued a man 40 years her senior in a quest to secure financial security.
As a female of a similar age, it made me think a lot. Whilst I can't, or at least at a stage, couldn't imagine sleeping with a man of that age, I can see why people would do it and can make sense of it.
The poster said she was sick of being broke and working for nothing and with that I can relate to. She never gave any details of her job etc but as a college graduate with a degree I myself work in a professional job yet am still renting and likely always will be with little savings and bugger all pension really.
The older I get the more it scares me and I would consider it I think sometimes but I don't know if I could go through with it. Could you?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 21:07

Granted I didn’t end up with a rich man but I did end up with a man who treats me like a queen which is probably better tbh

Depends which queen...

Pinkspecs · 02/10/2021 21:08

Not sure I would do it myself but I wouldn't judge, after all it's not like the man isn't getting something out of it, it's a two way street.

thelegohooverer · 02/10/2021 21:27

Does it make any difference if the woman in these hypothetical situations is motivated to provide security for her children?

Living proudly in a tent (as a pp described) is very different to bringing up your dc in a tent. And given that a broken relationship with a deadbeat dad is often what drives women deep into the poverty cycle, I’m not going to stand in judgement of a woman who is attracted to wealth.

toocold54 · 02/10/2021 21:31

I would rather be broke and single, than rich and with someone I don’t love.

I’ve read too many stories on here (and family/friends in RL) who depend on a man for money and no matter how much he cheats, is abusive etc they feel they can’t leave because they’ll not be able to cope financially. I never want to be like that.

qpmz · 02/10/2021 21:33

Do you mean you'd marry someone you don't love and don't fancy as long as they have money and are quite nice? I just don't see how it's possible to live with and share a bed with someone who would give you the ick every day.

Lollypop701 · 02/10/2021 21:42

Transaction marriages don’t work, unless you are both on the same page. You obviously know this op, so why are you asking?

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 21:49

@Lollypop701

Transaction marriages don’t work, unless you are both on the same page. You obviously know this op, so why are you asking?
If you're not on the same page, it surely isn't a transaction.
Lollypop701 · 02/10/2021 21:55

@DrSbaitso op doesn’t say if older guy is aware that the money is the ONLY draw.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 21:58

op doesn’t say if older guy is aware that the money is the ONLY draw

no, it's putting on a pretense of love.

OP posts:
Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 21:59

You obviously know this op, so why are you asking

how would I know?

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 02/10/2021 22:00

I couldn't be with someone I don't fancy. But there are a lot of people who are quite happy in such a situation if it means they have money.

Cosyblankets · 02/10/2021 22:02

No

ChequerBoard · 02/10/2021 22:10

It's living a lie though isn't it? Spending every day pretending you want to be with someone and at least care about someone that you have little regard for apart from their wealth.
That's a pretty toxic way to live.

Add kids in the mix and it gets worse. You are either lying to your kids that you care about their other parent or exposing the kids to the fact you don't love their Mum/Dad..

It is the same as prostitution, you are giving your body, and worse actually your whole private life to someone in exchange for financial gain. I would expect that would inflict the same kind of psychological damage and lasting long term impact.

In my view, it's just the same regardless of whether it's a man or woman that is marrying for money. And yes, I also judge the wealthy partner in these scenarios, there is a controlling aspect of these relationships that just doesn't sit right with me at all.

AngelDelight28 · 02/10/2021 22:29

I'm a bit confused by this thread. So the OP is the woman who is with an older man just for money?
If that's the case why do you care what random people think...you've made your choice, for reasons that must have seemed valid and logical to you.
Are you looking for validation?
Generally society is scornful of "gold diggers" but if you're happy with your choices what does it matter. And like others have said, it's a double standard because the men involved are rarely criticised.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/10/2021 22:40

@AngelDelight28

I'm a bit confused by this thread. So the OP is the woman who is with an older man just for money? If that's the case why do you care what random people think...you've made your choice, for reasons that must have seemed valid and logical to you. Are you looking for validation? Generally society is scornful of "gold diggers" but if you're happy with your choices what does it matter. And like others have said, it's a double standard because the men involved are rarely criticised.
OP seems to be trying to convince herself not to do it. Don’t know why since society piles on heaps of scorn on the women who do anyway.
gloriousgordons · 02/10/2021 22:42

My MIL is 22 years younger than my FIL. My FIL is now 80 and needs caring for. She married him for the glitz and the glam and the nice things in life and now she's in her late 50s, not being able to have her social life because she's essentially a SAHP to a toddler who needs 24 hour care.

There are days I wish we had more money but I'm eternally grateful I married for love.

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/10/2021 22:55

No I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry for anything other than love. If rather have my self respect

gingercatsparky · 02/10/2021 22:58

No I wouldn't.

But a friend of a friend married for money and although it has certainly given her a certain lifestyle she is deeply troubled. The marriage was miserable and there was no love, affection or connector. She wasted years with him and so didn't have any dcs as he didn't want them. Then when they broke up she struggled to get pregnant and had years of trying before getting pregnant through IVF. She met a guy who uses her for her money mostly but she stays with him as she's lonely, even though he is married with a child. She doesn't have any friends as she doesn't know who to trust and they use her for money. She doesn't know if people like her for herself or for her money. The friends she had when married dropped her when she split with her D. She's desperately unhappy and lovely and my friend says she constantly cries about her situation. She has all the money you could wish for but is deeply lonely. My friend is very supportive and talks about poor x a lot but unfortunately I find it hard to have much sympathy for her. I think she's brought it upon herself taking the risk of marrying for money. She used the guy to get where she is now.

immersivereader · 02/10/2021 23:00

wealthy and American / British /Australian/ Canadian

why does his heritage matter?

^

Because I moved abroad for 'love' 15 years ago, to a country where English isn't the first language. If I had my time over I'd only move to places they spoke English. It's been very difficult.

Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:10

OP seems to be trying to convince herself not to do it

no i did it but walked away after 6 months and no we never had sex. I couldn't.

OP posts:
AngelDelight28 · 02/10/2021 23:19

@COOKFORD Time to move on then, surely. What does it matter what other people think?

Original poster
COOKFORD · 02/10/2021 23:21

Time to move on then, surely. What does it matter what other people think

hard to, it's scarred me. Now I'm back living in shared housing.

OP posts:
DerAlteMann · 02/10/2021 23:23

Having married a woman who was as skint as I was, YES I WOULD (and my DW agrees with me). We both fancy being kept in luxury.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/10/2021 23:29

@COOKFORD

Time to move on then, surely. What does it matter what other people think

hard to, it's scarred me. Now I'm back living in shared housing.

What do you hope to gain from this thread? Do you wish you had carried on? Or are you blaming yourself for even considering it?

Your post replies mentioned ‘excessive money’ but if the breakup forced you to live in shared housing your concerns may be different from someone who wants luxury goods.

Nobody should judge you for the choices you made. You’ve suffered enough by your own admission

Mummadeze · 02/10/2021 23:34

I would rather make my own money. Being dependent on a man is the last thing I would want to be.

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