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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you hear from your partner when they're out

173 replies

logsinforthewinter · 01/10/2021 23:42

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text ..
New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight .
AIBU. To think this is shit?
We doNot live together

OP posts:
alibongo5 · 01/10/2021 23:45

Good god no. Only if there is something relevant and important to say but otherwise not at all. Mind you we've been together a million years.

alibongo5 · 01/10/2021 23:45

And I think it's rather rude on the people you're with to be constantly texting him.

Arabelladrinkstea · 01/10/2021 23:46

I’m single and would hate to have to message anyone and would be pretty disappointed if a new interest started texting me when out with friends.

Sorry but that’s being codependent

Icanflyhigh · 01/10/2021 23:47

Yeah I get the odd message from DH if he's out without me - sometimes just a heart etc, he just likes to keep in touch and let me know he's safe.

steff13 · 01/10/2021 23:47

My husband would text me if he was going to be home later than he'd initially told me. Rarely if he saw something that I thought would be funny or something like that he would message me about it. It's pretty rude to go out to dinner or whatever with friends and then be texting somebody else throughout the evening.

Mantlemoose · 01/10/2021 23:48

No I wouldn't expect to or want to hear from him,. He's out which means I'm either relaxing or out with my own pals..

DramaAlpaca · 01/10/2021 23:48

No. I'd find constant messaging quite suffocating. If a man was expecting me to do it I'd find it controlling.

freelions · 01/10/2021 23:49

It would not cross my mind to text my DH while on a night out with friends unless something important arose and I would not expect to hear from him if he was out

I think it's a bit tragic when someone can't spent a few hours apart from their significant other without needing to get in touch

Bontanics · 01/10/2021 23:50

Not really. Only if we needed to tell something important like when we were coming home or something. General chit chat can wait till we're together so we actually have something to talk about.

todaysdilemma · 01/10/2021 23:51

I only expect to receive a message when they're done and on the way home. Or if they're really drunk, a gibberish mushy message that doesn't require a response. And it's what I'd do too. I find it really rude to be on your phone when with other people. Also I would hope my bf was having a fab time with his friends and focusing completely on them.

Your new man is emotionally healthy, your ex was not.

BiLuminous · 01/10/2021 23:51

YABU. He is allowed to have a life outside of you and he should. So should you!

What is the reason that you want/need to be in touch for? Attention? Trust issues? I don't mean that harshly, but if you can't be in contact for a few hours without thinking it's shitty then it's bordering on being codependent.

seven201 · 01/10/2021 23:52

I'd think the relationship quite unhealthy if there were full on text chats going on whilst out with friends. Your phone should be away when with others.

RosieCockle · 01/10/2021 23:52

A message to say your on you're way home/late/staying at a friend's fair enough.
What's the need for anything else?

galacticpixels · 01/10/2021 23:54

Just to say if the night was going to be later than planned, and maybe to tell me when he's in a taxi on the way home. But other than that I don't hear from him and don't really want to? He can tell me about his night when he's home.

I was with friends last Friday night and nobody's phones came out all night. It would be annoying if people had been texting their partners while we were hanging out and I'm glad my friends don't do that.

Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 23:56

No, not really.

Maybe one to say they’ve arrived, one when pissed to say he loves me, one to say he’s on
His way back.

Maybe one asking if I want a kebab.

Similarly I don’t text him either except for to say I’ve arrived and I’m heading home.

I bloody love it when he leaves me alone!

ParkheadParadise · 01/10/2021 23:59

Fuck No
I can't think of anything worse. I have a friend who constantly texts her husband when we're out.

Spikeyplants · 02/10/2021 00:00

When we were 1st dating- no, I'd hear nothing.

I made a fuss once when he went away a week to cousins abroad and I heard nothing- not even a text that he'd got there.

Now married and together 18yrs, yes, we do text or call each other if we go out, at least once during the night.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2021 00:00

YABU. How new is new too? Not that it makes any difference.

sammylady37 · 02/10/2021 00:02

Nope, it’s perfectly reasonable. What’s shit is someone going out with their friends and spending their time on their phone having general chat with their partner.

Original poster
logsinforthewinter · 02/10/2021 00:03

A year In but due to covid we've only starterd socialising with our friends

OP posts:
BeepingBB · 02/10/2021 00:08

Why do you need to hear from them?

KylieKoKo · 02/10/2021 00:10

Not unless there's something to say. I live with him and enjoy the peace and quiet when he's out. I find it incredibly rude when people spend night's out with me constantly texting other people.

BookShark · 02/10/2021 00:10

Occasionally a "I'm on the train" - generally later than he said. But then we both do it - there's an unwritten rule that if one of us is out, you won't hear from them until you wake up the next morning to see them next to you in bed. We're both grown-ups, we can have independent social lives, even after 20+ years together.

notacooldad · 02/10/2021 00:13

No.
I had a boyfriend once who looking back deliberately sabotaged my nights out with friends by constantly ringing me. If I started getting annoyed he would manufacture a row and spoil the night.
He had to be binned. There's no way I'm putting up with that nonsense.
Dh tells me to have a nice time and phone him if I need anything ( eg a lift home)
Occasionally Dh will phone on his nights out to see if I want to join them ( usually a gang from the village) sometimes I might go down and have a pint but I dont usually bother.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/10/2021 00:13

@BeepingBB

Why do you need to hear from them?
I think this is a really important question OP. What is the reason you feel uncomfortable with them not messaging on a night out? Be really honest with yourself. Is it because you want to be front of mind for them all the time even when you're apart? Or because you're worried they'll cheat? I can't think of a healthy reason you'd be anxious about them not messaging during their time with friends.