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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you hear from your partner when they're out

173 replies

logsinforthewinter · 01/10/2021 23:42

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text ..
New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight .
AIBU. To think this is shit?
We doNot live together

OP posts:
Coogee · 02/10/2021 00:13

No. Nor me him.

Citylady88 · 02/10/2021 00:18

Incredibly rude to be with your friends but actually on phone constantly messaging etc. What do you do when you're at work, at the cinema, with your own families....?

itsraininghere · 02/10/2021 00:19

Never unless there's a change of plans or he'll be later than expected.
I would hate to feel obligated to interrupt my night out to check in at home.

Trisolaris · 02/10/2021 00:20

Personally I only get a bit annoyed if dp has told me he will be home early and then doesn’t let me know that actually it’s going to be a late one as I think that’s a courtesy. Other than that I hope he is having too much fun with his friends to be in contact with me although he sometimes drops the odd text when waiting at the bar etc.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2021 00:22

@BeepingBB and @youvegottenminuteslynn raise a very good point. That’s something you should give some proper thought and explore.

Iloveacurry · 02/10/2021 00:30

No. If I’m out with friends, I’m chatting with them not texting on my phone.

Kite22 · 02/10/2021 00:32

No.
It would be rude to be on your phone all the time rather than giving your attention to those you were out with.

If someone started doing that to me I'd have to ask what their problem was. Very suffocating.

Campervan69 · 02/10/2021 00:35

How bizarre. Why would you need to be texting on a night out with friends?

greenlynx · 02/10/2021 00:36

DH and I would phone each other about being on the way home. Each of us will phone if the other is not getting back at agreed time, to check that everything is ok.
Of course we could phone in case of emergency but not to say that your mum just phoned.

ImInStealthMode · 02/10/2021 00:39

Went out for dinner tonight. DP dropped me off, sent me a couple of hearts to let me know he was home, I sent one back when I went to the loo.

Didn't communicate again until he messaged to ask me to call instead of texting when I wanted a lift home, so he'd hear it.

Couldn't be messaging back and forth all night, extremely rude to the people I was out with.

Staffy1 · 02/10/2021 00:40

No, barely hear from him when he’s in the same room.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2021 00:44

Yabu and possessive. He’s allowed to disconnect and be out with his friends.

ImInStealthMode · 02/10/2021 00:49

To add, I have one friend whose partner almost constantly messages and video calls her when she's out with friends. She'll answer and chat to him even when she's with just one friend, who then has to sit quietly like billy no mates until they're finished.

He's a controlling arsehole and she's scared of upsetting him, if that wasn't already clear from the above. Deeply unhealthy relationship.

lynntheyresexpeople · 02/10/2021 00:52

There's nothing worse than someone glued to their phone on a night out! You don't need to have a chat over text when he's out with his friends. He lets you know when he's headed home to check in, that's more than enough.

Lou98 · 02/10/2021 00:53

YABU - I personally think it's really rude to go out with friends and constantly be on your phone.

Only time DP and I message when we're out is to say if we'll be home later than planned or when it's a night out in another city so staying in a hotel or anything in which case we'll message to let the other one know we got back to the hotel safe

Tillysfad · 02/10/2021 02:42

I wouldn't expect it.

Pikamoo · 02/10/2021 02:45

I don't expect communication or communicate myself unless the evening is a bit shit or I've got something to tell him. We follow each other on Google maps so if he wanted to see where I was I'd expect him to look on there rather than ask me.

Seeingadistance · 02/10/2021 02:53

@Citylady88

Incredibly rude to be with your friends but actually on phone constantly messaging etc. What do you do when you're at work, at the cinema, with your own families....?
This.
TreeSmuggler · 02/10/2021 03:04

Gosh no, this sounds like a nightmare. You have one night out with friends, spend the whole night chatting via text to your partner, then get home and what? "How was your night, what did you get up to?" "I talked to you."

I wouldnt even be friends with someone that did this as it's really rude, let alone a boyfriend.

SNKB14 · 02/10/2021 03:08

Been with DH 14 years. Only kind of messages we would usually send is when we are on our way home etc, or when the person at home is going to bed to avoid waking them up with any messages.
Surely the whole point of going out is to spend time with other people Confused

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/10/2021 03:12

For me it depends on the type of night out. Group drinking or going to a club, maybe the odd keeping in touch text or funny updates when stuff happens or makes them think of you/you them. Solo catch up with one friend or dinner, no text until leaving/on way home unless updating on something important eg. ETA home or a change of plan for the evening.

starrynight21 · 02/10/2021 03:37

No of course not. If I was out with a friend I'd be really annoyed if they were constantly texting their partner at home. We're not children - we don't need to touch base with each other all day and all night.

If either DH or I goes out, we are mature enough to know that the other person is fine and that they'll see us at the end of the night.

neeenor · 02/10/2021 03:47

I think most of the comments here are a little unrealistic.
When I was first dating DP then yes, we'd be in sporadic contact through a night out. Perhaps a picture here or there or he'd appraise me of anything funny / interesting / out of the ordinary. Not by any means constant though maybe 2 or 3 messages and then he'd call or text en route home or having arrived home.

Now not so much as we've lived together for years and we rarely go out as we have a toddler and busy work schedules so when the opportunity does arise we wouldn't message really. He'd probably text or call around toddler bedtime to say goodnight and then might check were ok once and then to let me know he was on his way etc but he might not have any contact depending on what he's doing.

I think the thing is here that you want contact and he doesn't. It's the mismatch of communication styles and expectations. I don't think any approach is wrong but I'd say it was odd your so miles apart.

I think you should talk to him about it and see what he has to say and see if he can reassure you / explain it from his side but I wouldn't expect him to change.

Insert1x20p · 02/10/2021 03:50

Might send a photo if I'm meeting people he knows/ randomly bumped into someone he knows, and I'd let him know if I was going to be later than planned, but otherwise, no.

MimiDaisy11 · 02/10/2021 03:53

If I’m in a group and there’s someone who constantly has to check in via text or phone call I think they either have an unhealthy relationship or they’re anti-social.

If you want to talk to someone all night then spend the night with them instead of going off with others.

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