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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you hear from your partner when they're out

173 replies

logsinforthewinter · 01/10/2021 23:42

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text ..
New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight .
AIBU. To think this is shit?
We doNot live together

OP posts:
Hydrate · 02/10/2021 03:54

No.

garlictwist · 02/10/2021 03:55

No. DH and I rarely message each other unless it's something the other needs to know. That said he's on holiday abroad for two weeks with friends at the moment and we have messaged a few times a day.

Tbh it would annoy me to get pointless messages every time he went to the pub.

Hydrate · 02/10/2021 04:00

He calls when on the way home.

GreyGoose1980 · 02/10/2021 04:17

I tend to get one text up say he’s arrived / met up with the group etc then one more to say he’s in a cab / on the train or if it’s going to be a late one then a text around 12.00 or so to confirm this. I do the same. We don’t keep up a text conversation while we are out with friends.

SpringRainbow · 02/10/2021 04:28

Very rarely.

Only if something funny/ important happens.

We usually only contact each other if we are on the way home/ going to be late getting home (or very rarely need help getting home).

Mybalconyiscracking · 02/10/2021 04:32

Nope, even when he’s half an hour late picking DD up from a nightclub at 4 in the bloody morning and neither she nor I have the faintest notion where he is!

HappyMeal564 · 02/10/2021 05:19

Sometimes a I'm having a good night or wow town is packed type thing but we don't have conversations and I don't mind at all. If I was with friends I wouldn't want to be glued to the phone either

PostItNow · 02/10/2021 05:31

Don’t tend to look at my phone when out with friends - don’t expect him to either. Be present in the moment- enjoy the people you are with - texting someone else when out with friends is a bit rude. It would annoy me.

KingdomScrolls · 02/10/2021 05:47

I don't expect to hear anything, usually get the odd text if he's out out and sees/heard something I'd be interested in. If he goes to his friend's house nothing other than asking if DS went to bed ok and when he's leaving. I went out for a much loved but much younger colleague's leaving drinks last week, I was pretty bored so I text DH a bit, mainly joking about being too old to queue to get in, bragging about being ID'd at my age, a picture of a cocktail that came with a candy necklace..... Mainly because it really wasn't my kind of place and the music was far too loud to have a conversation with the people I was with, I also manage most of them or their line managers, so I stayed for a couple of hours and then left them to it, but ordinarily I wouldn't other than to check on about DS or tell him I was on my way home.

lifehappened · 02/10/2021 05:56

The odd one, it's not co dependant 😂😂😂, if he's alone for a min like on the toilet or at the bar he likes to say he's thinking of me, of tell me he's having a good night, or ask if I'm ok. Everyone is different but saying it's codependent for a quick thoughtful message is really lols

Lightswitch123 · 02/10/2021 06:01

@steff13

My husband would text me if he was going to be home later than he'd initially told me. Rarely if he saw something that I thought would be funny or something like that he would message me about it. It's pretty rude to go out to dinner or whatever with friends and then be texting somebody else throughout the evening.
Exactly this. If be pissed off if out with friends and one was constantly texting a boyfriend. Would this it rude if her and controlling of him.
Fantail · 02/10/2021 06:30

Sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. Depends what we are doing and who we are with. Certainly don’t expect a message.

MinimumChips · 02/10/2021 06:36

Definitely not. We’ll text when we’re heading home but only because we live together. I would think it was a bit weird tbh if he was messaging through the night. He’s with other people, he should focus on that. If I was out with a friend and they were messaging their partner regularly through the night I would suspect something wasn’t quite right with their relationship. I’d message him if there was something important to say or if I was going to be late but otherwise, no.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/10/2021 06:39

I wouldn’t expect to hear from someone I didn’t live with while they were out with friends.
If DH or I are out, we update if there’s a change in when we’re expected home, but other than that we don’t really text while we’re out.

Henrysmycat · 02/10/2021 06:44

Get a grip, girl. It’s suffocating. Unless, his life is in danger and needs to touch base there’s no need.
And as “the friend”, there is nothing more annoying that seeing friends that text their SO constantly. If you miss the boy/girlfriend so much go back to them, don’t waste my friendship.
If my DH messages me when he’s out, usually a pic of him and his friends, I ignore it. It’s my time too.

MissMarpleRocks · 02/10/2021 06:44

No I’d think it controlling & unhealthy.

Even when we go away with friends we don’t usually check in except to say have arrived at destination.

I’d hate to be out with someone permanently on their phone, it’d make me question their relationships tbh.

onelittlefrog · 02/10/2021 06:46

I think it's pretty rude to be out with friends and on your mobile messaging other people. Can't stand it when people are glued to their phones and so I try to be present in the moment for other people too.

I'd only message my partner if there was something to say e.g. that I'll be home late, or I might send a photo.

I think it's pretty needy to think your partner is shit for not messaging you multiple times during a night out. Do you have trust issues?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 02/10/2021 06:48

No. Absolutely not. A message to say “on way home now I’d love a cup of tea waiting”. That’s it. It’s rude to the people you are with. And must feel suffocating within a relationship. It’s really not necessary to be constantly in contact with your partner. I hope you can work this through.

saraclara · 02/10/2021 06:50

there is nothing more annoying that seeing friends that text their SO constantly. If you miss the boy/girlfriend so much go back to them, don’t waste my friendship

That. And if a partner expected me to be messaging or calling them when I'm out with friends for the evening, I'd find it suffocating and the relationship wouldn't last long.

nancywhitehead · 02/10/2021 06:50

If you want to talk to someone all night then spend the night with them instead of going off with others

Yes, exactly.

Being the friend of someone who needs to constantly message others on their phone whilst out is infuriating.

If your friends have made an effort to show up and spend the night with you, you should be present and enjoy their company.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2021 06:52

Basically, what everyone else said. If I'm out late with workmates in town I will message him to let him know I am on the train, and he will come and meet me.

We have been together for over 40 years, so our early years together predate mobile phones anyway.

Ragwort · 02/10/2021 06:52

Of course not.

And I did my 'dating' years before mobile phones so there was no question of communicating whilst on a night out ... unless you searched for a pay phone Grin. My DH travels a lot for work and we used to rely on air mail letters still got them when he was the other side of the world.

I know I sound incredibly old fashioned but I do find the need for constant communication needy and suffocating.

Angel2702 · 02/10/2021 06:54

No it would be rude to keep being on your phone texting when out with other people. If H is out I make my own plans for a night in, catch up on TV etc so wouldn’t want to keep being interrupted either. A text to say joke safe or goodnight fine but other than that OTT.

Sisisimone · 02/10/2021 06:54

No I wouldn't expect a text, maybe one asking me if I fancied whatever takeaway he was bringing home but that's it. I'd also be really fucking annoyed if he was texting me on a night out.

But then you sound really needy and I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't even let you have a night out without getting constant attention via text. Nightmare

MinnieMountain · 02/10/2021 06:55

Nope.
Even when we’re away we only text “good morning” and “good night”.