Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you hear from your partner when they're out

173 replies

logsinforthewinter · 01/10/2021 23:42

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text ..
New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight .
AIBU. To think this is shit?
We doNot live together

OP posts:
FluffyTeddyBear · 02/10/2021 09:00

Also - I absolutely don’t text him when I’m out either.

HowMuchWine · 02/10/2021 09:02

I suffer with GAD. I have the most crippling and debilitating anxiety. A lot of it is centred around my husband ( nothing to do with cheating or anything like that).

I speak to him all the time. Yes, I know I need help. Lots of it as I am a wreck.

Crunchymum · 02/10/2021 09:03

Nope.

In our younger years / pre-kids we'd message if we were going to be out later than expected or were going to crash at a mates etc.

Nowadays we don't have much of a social life Shock

YourFinestPantaloons · 02/10/2021 09:04

@HowMuchWine

I suffer with GAD. I have the most crippling and debilitating anxiety. A lot of it is centred around my husband ( nothing to do with cheating or anything like that).

I speak to him all the time. Yes, I know I need help. Lots of it as I am a wreck.

I'm really sorry to hear that @HowMuchWine it must be awful - but what an huge burden on your OH to keep up with your fears. I've been there before and I walked. Then again my then-partner refused help. Are you getting the help you need?
bambi1132 · 02/10/2021 09:04

No. If he's out with friends then I expect his full attention to be on them. It's rude to be on your phone will out with other people. I'll get the odd text like when he's due home but that's it

whyarentiskinnyet · 02/10/2021 09:04

No, he's out, he's with friends and should be focussing on them not messaging you.

userxx · 02/10/2021 09:04

@HowMuchWine

I suffer with GAD. I have the most crippling and debilitating anxiety. A lot of it is centred around my husband ( nothing to do with cheating or anything like that).

I speak to him all the time. Yes, I know I need help. Lots of it as I am a wreck.

That's sounds really hard. Are you getting help ?

Squirrelblanket · 02/10/2021 09:05

No, but we are not really texty people. Especially on an actual night out.

If one of us is away (such as for work or visiting family) we might send goodnight messages but that's it.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 02/10/2021 09:05

Fuck that I'd run a mile from anyone who expected check ins 🏃‍♀️

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 02/10/2021 09:06

Absolutely not.

gannett · 02/10/2021 09:06

I definitely don't expect to hear from DP (nor he from me) when we're out without the other, unless it's a logistical issue ("I'll be back later", "we're at this place now, fancy joining?", "I'm grabbing food so eat without me" etc).

In practice there are the occasional group selfies if I'm out with people he knows who want to say hi; pictures of excellent dogs; messages of funny things that have happened; drunk mushy texts.

But I only get my phone out to message him (and others) if I'm by myself ie if my friend's in the loo, if I'm stuck at the bar, if I'm in a cab/bus/train. So not that often!

gannett · 02/10/2021 09:08

Oh and carrying on an entire text conversation with him if I'm out with others sounds completely insane, annoying for my friends and also very impractical. Why would anyone expect that?

If I'm at home without him I'm not exactly sat by my phone waiting for it to buzz either, I'm doing my own thing and often don't get his "I'll be back late" messages until after he's actually got home.

AhNowTed · 02/10/2021 09:09

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

Fuck that I'd run a mile from anyone who expected check ins 🏃‍♀️

Me too.

I'd also ditch a friend who was constantly texting while we were out.

So fucking immature.

martingrowler · 02/10/2021 09:09

I get that it's unnecessary and it's also rude to be constantly texting when out with others. I wouldn't mind if I got no texts at all when he's out but if I'm honest it's lovely to get a cute little drunk text at some stage because he's thinking of you. Just the one though

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/10/2021 09:10

We don't text each other ever if we are out and about. We just have a conversation about what we did when we get home .

WellLarDeDar · 02/10/2021 09:10

I won't hear from DH unless there's something he really wants me to see like an extremely fluffy dog or something. Other than that I don't expect him to be on his phone to me all night when he's out with his friends and I like to have my me time!

Retrievemysanity · 02/10/2021 09:11

If you were having general chat with your ex while he was out with friends, sounds like you may as well have gone out with him. If either DH or I go out we would only usually be in contact if there was a specific reason that couldn’t wait until the next day.

knittingaddict · 02/10/2021 09:12

We rarely go out in the evening at all, let alone separately, but there would be no messaging unless it was an emergency. When I'm out with friends I want to concentrate on them. We would both find it odd, rude to the people you are with and distracting.

Songsinthekeyoflife · 02/10/2021 09:14

I never even look at my phone when out, it's rude to the people you're with. And I'd be irritated if DH started messaging me whilst he knew I was out - but he wouldn't do that anyway. So it follows that I'd never expect, or want, him to be in touch with me when he's out.

knittingaddict · 02/10/2021 09:14

I will also say that if I had a friend doing this I would worry that they were in a controlling relationship. At the very least I don't think it's a healthy dynamic if you can't have a few hours being non contact.

2Two · 02/10/2021 09:19

If I'm out with friends the only reason I would make contact with DH would be to let him know if I expected to be late. If he needed to make contact with me for an emergency, he would phone me. I think it would be incredibly rude to my friends to be constantly texting my partner or reading texts from him all the time I was with them.

Killthewinewitchnow · 02/10/2021 09:20

We send the odd message, but not loads. It’s rude if you’re out with people and constantly on your phone.

DeadButDelicious · 02/10/2021 09:20

He texts me on his break at work but if he's out visiting friends he doesn't unless it's to tell me he's running late/on his way etc. Neither one of us really goes on nights out but we'd check in to let us know the other is safe, when we're leaving etc. if we did.

Parky04 · 02/10/2021 09:22

No. I would find that suffocating and controlling.

Winecrispschocolatecats · 02/10/2021 09:28

Unless it was urgent, I wouldn't expect (or want) to hear anything from my DH when he's out, nor would he expect to hear from me. We can talk when we're together - when we're with our friends we focus on them.

It sounds like your current DP is acting in an entirely normal, well-adjusted manner.