Do you hear from your partner when they're out

[logsinforthewinter]

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text ..
New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight .
AIBU. To think this is shit?
We doNot live together

No. I wouldn’t expect to hear from them at all. DH is out all day today with friends. He left at 6:30 and won’t be back till around 4-5pm. I won’t expect any messages from him, though he may send one to say he’s on the train home.

Some times I'd get a message like "Andy (friend he is out with) says jen is probably going to have birthday drinks on the 18th, are we free?"

Otherwise it would be messages like "the trains are cancelled, I'll have to get a cab/stay at my brothers" or "I'll try and get the 11.15".

Been together nearly 15 yrs, married nearly 7.

No it's possessive ,unhealthy and controlling .I'd be running for the hills if I were him .

Depending on the situation- that I’ve arrived safely, leaving now etc. But that’s about it. Or a ‘when you get in, could you put the clothes in the dryer as I forgot’ type thing. Even when we lived separately, If I knew he was out (or likely me as I’m more social), I’d probably have a quick phone or something before hand or on route, then a phone later or text to say goodnight depending on how late. There was no expectation to keep him or me informed of the evening. Who would want a running commentary on a night out?? I’d give him all the chat from the night next time I saw or spoke with him, If I thought he’d be interested, which I doubt 😂

Nope. Absolutely not. Unless he falls asleep on the train and sheepishly needs to tell me he'll be late back.

I agree with pp’s - when you’re out, you’re hopefully enjoying yourself & not constantly on your phone. DH doesn’t socialise except with me but he sometimes rings or texts in his work breaks. I only text him at the end of the night if he’s picking me up.

God, no. If nothing else, it’s incredibly rude to the people you’re with to keep texting someone else.

Why do you think this is normal behaviour OP?

Only to let me know he's in his way home. Or to pass on a message he forgot before he went out. But not chit chat

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But I’d say most times yes and it’s either “all ok?” (We have small children) or sending me a picture of his food (as we are both food obsessed).

But I don’t worry if I don’t hear from him as I trust him. I often don’t message him when I’m out unless it’s to check the kids have gone down or likewise share pictures of food!

Maybe the odd one. But not chatting about random stuff. That's so rude for the people he's with.

It's not at all rude not to be in contact.
My 'need' to hear from boyfriends when I was younger was fuelled by my emotional instability/intensity.
I'd be borderline paranoid about them meeting/talking to other women. I'd also be jealous that they were out and about without me.
I got some therapy and it really improved my relationship with myself.

My dh doesn't go out but when I am out I do not contact him at all.

Dh likes to check in one so will text as do I but just a quick how are you type thong. I wouldn't text back and forth if he was out as I would want him to enjoy himself and vive versa. He is taking our older two to a birthday party today and I am staying home with our one month old baby. I will get videos and pics of the kids having fun but will largely leave them to it. I don't need a running commentary of the event otherwise I would have gone.

Constant texting back and forth is rude in the scenario you describe and sounds insecure and needy.

Me and DH would message if we had anything to say (like if something funny happened or we needed something or just wanted to say love you etc) but often just one or two texts, not constant ones. If I was working away (which I did a lot) I would ring him when I got to my hotel, and then text him when I got back from wherever I went out for tea (or if I went to the pub, theatre etc) just to let him know I was back in my hotel safely. We were really close and would be in touch throughout the day when at work or at weekends though.

*thing not thong

Continually chatting whilst out with friends? Why?

We are not in contact at all. When I’m out with my friends I like to give them my full attention and he does too. In all honesty I don’t think about dh when I’m out.

We might message if we’re going to be much later than expected or if an something important about dc crops up (very rarely).

Your dp is normal and you sound quite full on. My friend is like this and can’t understand how me and dh don’t talk on a night out. Her own dh thinks she’s too much and complains about the constant contact when he’s with my dh. Though he messages back to keep the peace.

I left my friend in the pub when she spent the whole night texting her partner.

Who knows how long she sat there before noticing that I had gone.

I had pulled her up on it so she shouldn't have been surprised.

Yes, but not much. Just the occasional message. Sometimes a drunk "I love you", or a picture of something funny that he's seen or a daft selfie of him and his friends at the bar. Then maybe a couple of hours after that I'll get a "do you want anything from the kebab shop" text.

I think a constant back forth kind of messaging would drive me nuts. Not to mention the fact that it's very rude to the people you are with.

God no. Sometimes we'll message each other if something funny has happened or I need him to leave a key out but there's zero expectation to keep in touch. I find it odd and really annoying when friends can't be away from their partner for a night without checking in.

Even worse are the 'I'm going to leave at 9.30 to see my boyfriend' crowd. This used to happen a lot in our 20s.

I get a text every 3 hours or so, just updating on location / time

I don't think constant messaging is polite or normal, if he's out to see friends that's what he should be doing. I'd be annoyed if I was out with a friend who was just constantly texting their DP.

Of course I wouldn’t expect to hear anything from them! Apart from maybe a taxi request!!! You are not that needy surely and would be rude for those they are out with. Learn to enjoy your own company and enjoy the peace.

No, unless we need to communicate something like we will be late or need a lift.

Never. He can go away with work for a couple of weeks or a holiday with friends for a week and I won’t hear from him.

I’m pretty much the same. I never ring him when I’m at work. If I go away for a week without him I occasionally ring home maybe once in that week but generally because I want to talk to the dog! . I certainly wouldn’t ring him on a night out.

My friends aren’t in touch with their partners on a night out and yes I’d think it a bit odd/rude if they were. And if a partner of mine was texting me while I was on a night out I’d find it a bit needy/controlling.

When we first got together DH would text me regularly on a night out (this was overspill from his previous relationship where it was expected) and I would tell him to enjoy his night and stop texting me!

Now we've been together 8 years (married for 4) and he might text to see if DD went down ok or that he's waiting for his taxi home, but that's it. And I do the same.

@logsinforthewinter

In my last relationship : my ex and I were in contact throughout the night when out with friends . General chat on text .. New partner ... nothing . Until he is going home , saying goodnight . AIBU. To think this is shit? We doNot live together

The latter is perfectly normal, it would be rude to be constantly on his phone to you when out with friends, not to mention incredibly needy.

The former behaviour is something I might expect of teens, but even then it would be a bit odd.