I want to start this by saying it is probably going to be a long thread, so thank you to those who bear with me and read the whole thing.
My H has always had a strange relationship with sex. We have been together 9 years (no kids) and our sex life has never been what I hoped it would be. The sex is great when we actually do it, however H very rarely initiates and when I initiate, he often says he is too tired. We have gone months at a time without having sex. Over the years I have tried initating myself, calmly explaining to H how important sex is in a marriage and how it makes me insecure and crying and saying that this issue could end our marriage. He always agrees and promises to make more of an effort but after a week or so it goes back to normal.
H is honestly the best husband you could ask for. He has supported me financially and emotionally for 8 years, often to his own detriment, and has continually supported me with my own mental health issues. I have not been an easy person to be with at times. He puts me first in every single way, never gets angry, and truly loves me. I have no doubt of this. He has always been the 'perfect' one, whether it's as a husband, friend or family member. He is a genuinely nice man. However, he had a very fractured childhood and is his own harshest critic, he cannot tolerate himself being anything less than perfect. A few years ago we had just stopped doing long distance and I saw a message on his phone to a friend of his (sent during our time apart) that said he had brought two women back to his flat after a night out. I hit the roof and his explanation was that he had been trying to fit in with a 'laddish' group of friends he had made and had sent the message drunkenly, with no truth to it. I believed him as I do see that he constantly strives to fit in.
Fast forward to last night. We had friends round for drinks and something one of them said (nothing to do with women) raised alarm bells. It strongly implied he had lied about something in order to impress them. This has happened once before and I let it go, however something just didn't sit right and (I'm ashamed to admit) I looked at his phone when he was sleeping. I found numerous whatsapp messages to prostitute hotlines (we live in a country where this is sadly accessable) basically asking for sexual services. In some of the messages he has bartered the price, stated that he would like a discount as he 'had this one before' and has asked for photos of the different women to be sent to him. There are also messages saying he is 'ten minutes away' and asking for their location etc. He lost his wedding ring on a night out about six weeks ago and I saw one message saying that he thinks he left his grandfathers ring at the location the night before and could they please check. I was absolutely heartbroken and confronted him. He completely broke down and eventually explained everything. He found this mortifying as it was a crack in his 'perfect' facade. He said that he sends these messages to different companies when he is very drunk as he is seeking a thrill. When I asked him about why he would need directions etc and why he had asked about his wedding ring, for the former he said that they only send pictures if you confirm you are on your way and for the latter he said that he had panicked the next morning and messaged everyone, including the friends he had been out with, without thinking. He said that he has always had an issue with sex and he is very much 'in his own head', I know this is true and knowing him for 9 years, I can genuinely believe that this is a fantasy he is acting out instead of something he would act on. He was absolutely adamant that he has never actually slept with or met any of these women and never would.
I feel oddly calm, and part of me was almost relieved that this man I had felt for years was too good for me, also had flaws. I am a naturally very suspicious person but I do genuinely believe that he hasnt acted on these fantasies. What I can't get my head around is that our lack of sex over the years has really dented my confidence and caused (the only) major issue in our marriage. I also have spent years thinking he is perfect and too good for me and been completely open with him about my own flaws, and I feel like this has been a lie.
Am I crazy for believing him? If I choose to believe that this is all a fantasy, would anyone else view this as being a flaw that they are willing to overlook (provided it never happens again,) and deem it not that big a deal? I don't know how to feel except that I overreacted, as he is saying that as he never did and never would act on it, it's just a stupid thing he does when very drunk. He also says that he is so ashamed of himself that no matter how angry I am at him, he will always hate himself more. I told him that I forgave him and that we can move on, however he said it didnt matter if I forgave him, he could never forgive himself and I do believe this (ties into him being his own harshest critic).
I'm sorry for this long post, but I feel very confused and I really need some perspective on this. I have certainly made mistakes over the years, like developing a crush on a work colleague (I never acted on it and I think it was due to the lack of sexual attention from H) however I have never cheated on H.