To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

[Maria53]

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together.

Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close.

The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now.

I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

I feel down about it because I know what I have to do and the fact I need to let go of all the lovely intimacy and closeness to get rid of the unacceptable.

But you don't have 'lovely intimacy and closeness' with this man. THAT IS NOT REAL. That's his front that he's putting on to addict you to him and make you think you can't live without him. The real him - well, you've seen him. Twice, at least. He is angry, controlling, and dangerous.

I agree with pp, that therapy or counselling would be good for you. You are right not to ignore red flags, but you also seem to be struggling to understand why not. The reason why you shouldn't ignore the red flags is because they are showing you that the man you are with is ONLY PRETENDING to be a decent human being. The red flags are showing you who he actually is.

I hope that makes sense OP. I feel like you're doing a lot of minimising and justifying of his behaviour and that is worrying. Instead of being down, be happy you are getting rid of someone horrible and making space for someone lovely.

He said he doesn't usually have disagreements in bed

Well no, he wouldn't- with sex dolls.

But seriously, he's garden likely to tell you other women have called him out/become very uncomfortable, is he?

@beastlyslumber

I feel down about it because I know what I have to do and the fact I need to let go of all the lovely intimacy and closeness to get rid of the unacceptable.

But you don't have 'lovely intimacy and closeness' with this man. THAT IS NOT REAL. That's his front that he's putting on to addict you to him and make you think you can't live without him. The real him - well, you've seen him. Twice, at least. He is angry, controlling, and dangerous.

I agree with pp, that therapy or counselling would be good for you. You are right not to ignore red flags, but you also seem to be struggling to understand why not. The reason why you shouldn't ignore the red flags is because they are showing you that the man you are with is ONLY PRETENDING to be a decent human being. The red flags are showing you who he actually is.

I hope that makes sense OP. I feel like you're doing a lot of minimising and justifying of his behaviour and that is worrying. Instead of being down, be happy you are getting rid of someone horrible and making space for someone lovely.

I do see and agree the closeness is more down to him rushing things in hindsight.

I don't believe I need therapy. I recognised red flags quite quickly & I'm going to break it off tomorrow. I'm still quite young and it has helped me to talk it through here. I'm not minimising or justifying his behaviour. I've said yes I agree this is unacceptable and am breaking it off.

What is concerning is that there was NO way of my knowing he would have a temper like this until we were in bed. There were no signs of it whatsoever during normal dates.

I agree with above.

Dump him.
He sounds potentially dangerous.
Counselling could be very useful to tease out your reluctance and firm up your boundaries.

I don't need counselling to know that I was reluctant because I didn't want to let go of the intimacy and closeness because I was so lonely before. I know I'm going back to that.

Anyway thanks again all

I'm seeing friends today so hopefully that will cheer me up a bit and I'll speak to him tomorrow.

@Siameasy

I’m spooked by this recent trend for women allegedly liking rough sex. I do recall one older guy trying to bite me when I was 16-17 (early 90s) and I hated it but he insisted. I went home and cried and didn’t see him again. I get a similar sense of menace from your bloke. Bite man was the one and only time-never had even a suggestion of such a thing since (married now). I don’t think the bruising is normal I’m afraid.

I really think porn is behind it all. Porn has not only created sexually aggressive men, but probably even more commonly, men who think they can just lie there and it's up to the woman to satisfy them and do all the work. When you've had a few of the latter, it's incredibly exciting to feel the passion of the former. A man who gets intense pleasure from your body, who's present with you, who will take control, who isn't afraid to touch you or worse, just too lazy - who wouldn't want all of that. The problem is when it crosses a line that hurts you or scares you.

@Zambezzi Do you remember his name? You can still report him now. This man is still a danger to other women.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you are kinder to yourself now. You did not invite in that kind of behaviour

I didn't want to let go of the intimacy and closeness because I was so lonely before. I know I'm going back to that.

If you had opted to stay with him OP ultimately you would have been a great deal lonelier. He sounds highly aggressive and controlling. A relationship with him would have seen you increasingly isolated. Honestly, there's nothing lonelier than being in a shit relationship, and I speak as someone who has in the past spent many, many years being single.

Good luck op, I hope it goes ok

What is concerning is that there was NO way of my knowing he would have a temper like this until we were in bed. There were no signs of it whatsoever during normal dates.

No, men like this can be very good at fooling people - that's why you have to pay full attention to the red flags! (But also see below.)

I don't need counselling to know that I was reluctant because I didn't want to let go of the intimacy and closeness because I was so lonely before. I know I'm going back to that.

If therapy or counselling is not for you, that's fine. I suggested it because you didn't seem to understand that the 'closeness and intimacy' you've experienced with this man is not closeness or intimacy at all, but a fake version of it deployed to manipulate you. So it might help for you to work out what closeness is really like, and what intimacy really feels like when it's genuine.

It also strikes me that your comments about going back to loneliness and misery are what has made you vulnerable to this person in the first place. Highly likely he would have spotted that a mile off and known exactly the way to get to you, what things to say and how to act to make you feel like you were finally wanted and cared for. So again, maybe not counselling if it's not for you, but might be an idea to do something like the freedom programme which will help you sort out your feelings about yourself and prevent you being this vulnerable in the future.

Well done on taking the red flags seriously - you should be proud and have confidence about that. Use it to spur you on

@Maria53

I don't need counselling to know that I was reluctant because I didn't want to let go of the intimacy and closeness because I was so lonely before. I know I'm going back to that.

But the intimacy and closeness were entirely fake! This man was deliberately luring you into a sense of closeness where he knew you'd be vulnerable and accepting of things that would weaken your sense of autonomy.

You may not be in 'need' of counselling, but you might potentially benefit from a few sessions. Because you seem to regard it as inevitable that the loss of this man will result in you being very lonely. You will never become resilient and develop strong boundaries if you cannot be happy and contented unless you are coupled with a man.

Becoming resilient and developing boundaries is a learning process that requires a lot of thinking and hard work. Maybe start reading a couple of self help books, such as The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.

He could be testing the water. Call it off

This would be the one time I wouldn't speak or see him and I'd end it by text ,tell him not to contact you and immediately block him. You don't owe him anything and he has the potential to turn nasty.

How did he take it OP?

Good decision, OP. Not an easy one, either - but you are absolutely doing the right thing. Put the great sex down to experience, and you will meet someone who might not be quite your match sexually, but who will be a nicer person - which also makes for good sex.

I've had great rough sex with nice guys because we've discussed boundaries, safe words etc and they've respected that. Unfortunately I also had an experience with a guy whose idea of rough sex was pretty much wrestling me and then he bit my face. Obviously he was sent packing after that. If you ever get to a point where you don't feel safe then there's no question that you need to get out.

I hope the OP does end it, but I fear she won’t!

I hope she has ended it but I fear she will give him another chance

I understand you want a bit more excitement in bed but this man will wreck your head and leave you mentally drained. There are men out there who you will connect with and who you can have an exciting sex life with also. I think you should look into why you need this need for bordering on danger excitement as your answer lies there. There is nothing wrong with wanting exciting wild sex but not with that man who sounds like he is unhinged. Is a man out there for you who you can have both with. Please listen to the women on here as you should not be left with such bruising. Walk away while you can. It is his underlying anger I worry for and the walking away through sex because you dared to move. Massive red flag. He sees women like the porn he watches to do and move and just there like a robot to please him. Sad angry man. I bet he does not even like women at all. Wish I had mumsnet 20 years ago and had the advise that is given on here as knew nothing about these issues.

Hogwarts has said what I was trying to say. So true and please listen to the advise. How sad and gross that so many are addicted (not just viewing) but addicted to hard core porn. That is why are so many stories of women been strangled in bed and the men get off as no way to prove that they did not consent.

Do you know why instincts kick in at time like this? It’s so you can survive, it’s survival mode, don’t ignore them, I would find a different guy if I’m honest, that does sound scary!