@Maria53 - I'm going to stick my neck out here because there's something to your posts that I cannot ignore, and it's worth my being wrong to make sure you're making the best decisions you can about your body and whom you're sharing it with.
My sense is that you grew up in a family where boundaries were compromised in some way. Perhaps your father was violent, either to you or someone else; or he was absent. Perhaps it was your mother - but more likely a man.
You have learned to come alive sexually with rough sex. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But you've also learned that rough sex is only possible with rough men. You need the edge of the excitement that that danger offers to you. But then you realise that you're in territory that's abusive - and that hurts on many levels. So you make a promise to yourself that you'll never choose that again, and you'll put your own best interests first, and you will equip yourself better when you go out searching for someone.
But the fact remains: you've done little to change yourself. Or not enough. And so you realise, once again, that your good intentions have amounted to nothing when you find yourself with a man who is attractive, hugely seductive - and who then edges you into territory that feels dangerous and unsafe. Once more.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, then perhaps you can step back enough to know that there is something else you can choose. You just can't see it yet, because you're not conditioned to realise it exists.
This is about relearning something and choosing to trust yourself fully. It's about being able to say no with full conviction.
This will probably only be possible through some kind of therapeutic intervention. Because it feels, from your words, that you are trying not to spiral down to places you know all too well - and yet, again, you find yourself spiralling.
So stop. Stop.
Find someone you can talk to, so that you can learn something different. One day, then, you'll make different, better choices. And you'll realise you can have excitement and intensity in bed, and also be wholly respected.