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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

197 replies

Maria53 · 01/10/2021 18:10

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together.

Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close.

The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now.

I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

OP posts:
DriverEightt · 01/10/2021 19:23

OP, I know what you mean about vanilla. I've NCed for this. While I like variety, overall I much prefer rougher sex too. However, your post is really scary. Stop right now! Don't risk it.

Nayday · 01/10/2021 19:23

You express your discomfort - he gets angry because he was about to come.

You express you'd like to try a new position - he doesn't want to because he'd rather have sex in a different position of his choosing.

Your enjoyment of this sex has been incidental - not intentional on his part. His enjoyment is his only priority.

The side helping of anger and ultimatum that came with those interactions? Huge red flags.

WhatMattersMost · 01/10/2021 19:23

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.

Why would you even think that? Have you in some way equated "good in bed" with "bad bloke"? If so, then perhaps you need to take some time away from dating to have a look at what it is that you've experienced in the past that's wired you this way.

FreeBritnee · 01/10/2021 19:25

I’ve had some fantastic lovers and enjoyed some interesting sex but I don’t like the sound of what you described. There’s almost a sinister element that goes beyond non vanilla sex. I can very easily imagine his hands around your neck for a bit too long. Your face pressed into a pillow whilst you are protesting. Anal happening even when you’ve said no. All those boundaries being constantly eroded until one day something scary happens.

MyPatronusIsACat · 01/10/2021 19:26

He sounds vile. Bin him @Maria53

Iwonder08 · 01/10/2021 19:27

Voted YABU because it is unreasonable of you to even contemplate having sex with him again. The guy has issues

Immaculatemisconception · 01/10/2021 19:27

Why are you even asking on here?

IsThePopeCatholic · 01/10/2021 19:29

Don’t collude with his porn-addled fantasies. He’s dangerous and you could soon find yourself out of your depth. Rough sex needs to be totally consensual - he’s out to get what he wants for himself. Run.

Nayday · 01/10/2021 19:30

@Immaculatemisconception because it's safe to.

Why would you question that?

Penistoe · 01/10/2021 19:30

Frightens me just reading it. Not good. It's early days, he should be on his very best behaviour....imagine a year on once he's got his feet under the table

Sorry to do a this but THIS. Behaviours like this only escalate. Please run.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 01/10/2021 19:31

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed
It's concerning that you think this. You don't have to choose. Nice guys are exciting in bed because they prioritise your pleasure too. Being with a nice guy doesn't necessarily mean vanilla. It does mean respect, safety and mutual satisfaction.

FlowerArranger · 01/10/2021 19:35

@FreeBritnee

I’ve had some fantastic lovers and enjoyed some interesting sex but I don’t like the sound of what you described. There’s almost a sinister element that goes beyond non vanilla sex. I can very easily imagine his hands around your neck for a bit too long. Your face pressed into a pillow whilst you are protesting. Anal happening even when you’ve said no. All those boundaries being constantly eroded until one day something scary happens.
That's what went through my head also. Especially this:

All those boundaries being constantly eroded until one day something scary happens

I'm scared for you, @Maria53, just reading your posts. Get rid of this bloke but, as a PP suggested, do so in a safe, public place. Look after yourself Flowers

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 01/10/2021 19:41

@HebalGerbil

Okay Erm... That is a big fat nope in my book.

My H ONCE grabbed my ankles and positioned me and held me where e wanted me.

Never did it again because I kicked him in the face.

I am not a fucking wheelbarrow you own.

Are you still with him? OMG.
duf21 · 01/10/2021 19:43

Run don't walk. If you're a little scared, even in small percentages of time, in these first few weeks of the relationship it is major red flags. Being scared is not normal in any healthy relationship especially at the start...

FlowerArranger · 01/10/2021 19:43

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed

You don't have to. But the true sexual excitement that comes from testing boundaries and exploring way-out stuff comes WAY down the line, once you are in committed relationship where there is love and trust on both sides. Don't get sucked into BDSM related stuff with someone you barely know. It's not safe. Actually it's dangerous.

Original poster
Maria53 · 01/10/2021 19:44

@FreeBritnee I see what you are saying and I'm listening.

To address some of the points saying I am BU to say I can't have exciting sex with nice men:

I've had a few decent relationships with nice men. X2 of them refused to do anything even a little non vanilla as they didn't like to 'hurt a woman' (quoting one of them). The third did humour me but clearly didn't totally enjoy it.

With this guy I have been able to fully explore my sexuality and feel I have satisfied those kinks I've had for years. It is making me wonder if only a man with aggression under the surface is able to do it convincingly and genuinely?

If it is possible to have both that is great - I just haven't experienced it yet.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 01/10/2021 19:48

Good god. Not much scares me sexually but that is down right frightening.

category12 · 01/10/2021 19:48

@WhatMattersMost

I've only just started dating again and promised myself I wouldn't ignore red flags.

And here's the moment you come through for yourself and stand by your promise. When it doesn't feel easy, that's when it's even more important to do so.

This.

Try Fetlife or something to meet kinky men. There are lots of them, and if you're careful and take it all with a pinch of salt, you might meet a bloke you feel you can trust to do the kinky things you want with you. This man isn't it.

Original poster
Maria53 · 01/10/2021 19:49

@Hogwarts21

Communicate more. If he's about to orgasm, then he should let you know.

Also, how much porn has he watched over the years?

His approach seems a very entitled one, like he's able to command and order and have his way and you're supposed to just succumb?

That sounds like too much porn and his attitudes to women in bed are to just take what he wants.

Weird.

Wakey wakey, flakey 21st century porn-riddled man. This is a real woman, not someone who's paid to act on a screen.

This is what I said to him. I asked him how am I supposed to know you are about to if you don't tell me to let me know? Communicate.

He is very good looking, he looks like Heath Ledger. Perhaps the entitlement comes from being worshipped by women. We have a lot in common and he is very smart too, we've had lots of great times and conversations Sad

I know you are all right though. I need to keep my boundaries strong. Won't be easy.

OP posts:
TintinIsBack · 01/10/2021 19:51

@FlowerArranger

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed

You don't have to. But the true sexual excitement that comes from testing boundaries and exploring way-out stuff comes WAY down the line, once you are in committed relationship where there is love and trust on both sides. Don't get sucked into BDSM related stuff with someone you barely know. It's not safe. Actually it's dangerous.

THAT

You absolutely need to establish boundaries first before going into that sort of kink.
Because otherwise you take the risk of having someone bulldozing through your boundaries before you have time to realise/say no.

RhubarbTea · 01/10/2021 19:51

Fucking hell woman, it should be easy, you should be running from this behaviour. If you can't see that you shouldn't be dating yet. He sounds really dodgy.

Pebbledashery · 01/10/2021 19:52

He's got rapist potential. I hope you've started running.

StoatMilk · 01/10/2021 19:52

@Orgasmagorical

Don't ignore your instinct.
Huge red flags, run like the wind.
TintinIsBack · 01/10/2021 19:53

You might also want to think carefully about what are YOUR boundaries there. If you are exploring, again it’s very easy for someone who is abusive/controlling to take charge and push you way beyond your limits.

The danger here is that there is no recognition of what’s going on either FROM HIM.
Which means he is also very likely to just expect that whatever he says goes. Red flags all over.

RealBecca · 01/10/2021 19:54

Silly to say nice men wont do X.

Are you horrible? Or nice? If you are nice and you like this stuff then ergo nice men can too. If you are horrible then don't date because if you have that opinion of yourself you are too vulnerable.