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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

197 replies

Maria53 · 01/10/2021 18:10

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together.

Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close.

The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now.

I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

OP posts:
Immaculatemisconception · 01/10/2021 22:35

[quote Nayday]@Immaculatemisconception because it's safe to.

Why would you question that?[/quote]
Because the bloody answer is so obvious, so why does she need to ask.

WhatMattersMost · 01/10/2021 22:48

@Maria53

It was some of the most passionate sex I've had and left me satisfied sexually. We also had matching sexual appetites - in the past my libido has generally been too high but we were on the same level. People can tell me to give myself a shake all they like - but it is a fact that I enjoyed it. We are both musicians and seemed to be in exact rhythm with each other as well, which I've experienced only once before. Pure chemistry.

Clearly I didn't enjoy being bullied in bed. Those 2 moments when it happened were fleeting but significant and upsetting. And it overshadows the good parts. But the sex itself...addictive.

Then perhaps what this man has done is mirrored something about yourself to you? Perhaps something that's more difficult to own than most things. Addiction being the keyword here.
BertramLacey · 01/10/2021 22:49

I dread if he asks why because in a way I want to tell him exactly why but can't see him reacting well.

Hold onto that thought OP. You know he won't react well to being questioned or criticised. You're doing the right thing.

CarolinaInMyMind · 01/10/2021 22:53

Red flags indeed. Sorry girl.

lisaandalan · 01/10/2021 23:08

If you have to ask, you know in your heart it's not right and don't let him talk you around.

PickAChew · 01/10/2021 23:17

The fact that he won't react well is the exact reason you need to do it. Block him straight after.

ketoandhashbrowns · 01/10/2021 23:22

Oh god yeah that's bizarre. Ditch him

Anon778833 · 01/10/2021 23:25

This doesn't sound like someone who you can trust for you to be naked and alone with. The anger is very concerning.

Anon778833 · 01/10/2021 23:27

@Maria53

It was some of the most passionate sex I've had and left me satisfied sexually. We also had matching sexual appetites - in the past my libido has generally been too high but we were on the same level. People can tell me to give myself a shake all they like - but it is a fact that I enjoyed it. We are both musicians and seemed to be in exact rhythm with each other as well, which I've experienced only once before. Pure chemistry.

Clearly I didn't enjoy being bullied in bed. Those 2 moments when it happened were fleeting but significant and upsetting. And it overshadows the good parts. But the sex itself...addictive.

It has been my experience that I've enjoyed sex with certain men who treated me very badly. Just because there is a level of chemistry that draws you in, it doesn't mean that this will lead to happiness and fulfilment.

FlowerArranger · 01/10/2021 23:37

@BertramLacey

I dread if he asks why because in a way I want to tell him exactly why but can't see him reacting well.

Hold onto that thought OP. You know he won't react well to being questioned or criticised. You're doing the right thing.

I hope you'll find the courage to tell him exactly why you are breaking ip with him. So he knows that not all woman are prepared to put up with his entitled abuse.
Ledition · 01/10/2021 23:41

Nope. You know somethings off - LISTEN to your instincts woman! They're there for a reason. Heath ledger or not this is not good at all, especially so soon into seeing him. This is the best part, these things only get worse. Run.

Prettybubblesintheair · 01/10/2021 23:50

I had a relationship like this, very similar. I didn’t end it and he started choking me out, slapping me round the face so hard it made me dizzy. Just in bed at first, he talked me into it being a natural progression from the rougher sex I had been ok with. Then it was a slap during an argument, choking me if I really annoyed him. Eventually he was raping me and beating me daily. He totally isolated me from my family and friends. It took me 3 years to leave. I’m not saying that he will do the same but that cold, sinister “what do you think you’re doing moving when I’m about to come” took me right back to my ex at the start.

I hope you’re ok, i think you sound intoxicated by him but you’re able to see that he made you feel unsafe and vulnerable at a time when you should the opposite.

ellyeth · 02/10/2021 00:12

Sounds scary. Stop seeing him.

lemmein · 02/10/2021 01:00

Sorry OP, I find it bizarre how you're speaking of this relationship of just a few weeks, worrying actually. You don't know this man and in just a few short weeks you're already questioning your instincts, debating whether to ignore red flags, talking about having the best times of your life with him? It's been approximately 14 days Confused I've been with my DH over 25 years and have never felt the need to start a thread about his behaviour.

Honestly, I say this with kindness because your post really worries me, slow down and NEVER ignore your gut. Save yourself years of abuse and get rid.

LagunaBubbles · 02/10/2021 01:13

He was a bit rougher than I'm used to which I enjoyed because most men I've been with are too vanilla. He did things that most nice men I've been with just refuse to

You go on and mention "vanilla" so many times . You need therapy OP. I dont believe you will end this relationship at all.

Redruby2020 · 02/10/2021 01:52

@HJ44

Frightens me just reading it. Not good. It's early days, he should be on his very best behaviour....imagine a year on once he's got his feet under the table.
This!
Wineisrequired · 02/10/2021 07:25

Run for the hills on this one . Always trust your gut instinct. After only a few weeks this is not good.

dottiedodah · 02/10/2021 07:35

Trust your instincts here.you are uncomfortable for a good reason .as other pp have said run for the exit asap! He will probably come up with apologies ,but tell him it's over and block him .he sounds controlling, nasty and v dangerous.

CoasterCoaster · 02/10/2021 07:39

OP the kind of man with 'aggression under the surface' is exactly the kind you do not want to be having non-vanilla sex with! BDSM/kink isn't about aggression, anything but and if that's what you think it is you shouldn't be even slightly dabbling in it. Do you read the threads about 'rough sex as a defence' on here? If not you really should.

toocold54 · 02/10/2021 08:30

I dread if he asks why because in a way I want to tell him exactly why but can't see him reacting well.

Just say it’s not working out as you’re not ready to start a new relationship yet, you’re not in the right place, not sure what you want etc etc.

There’s no point going into details as he probably wouldn’t understand and it would just create a bad situation for you both. It’s nice to end things with at least stress as possible.
You’ve only been together a few weeks so I doubt it will come as a surprise to him.

From reading your posts it’s really important for you to be happy being single so you don’t end up choosing the wrong type of men just because you’re desperate to be in a relationship. Take some time and focus on your self for a bit. You’ve done the right thing x

userxx · 02/10/2021 08:34

@Maria53

Anyway I've decided to end it with him this weekend. I'll do it over the phone as I don't want to do it in person.

I dread if he asks why because in a way I want to tell him exactly why but can't see him reacting well.

And that tells you everything you need to know.

Justbecauseofit · 02/10/2021 08:43

There is a difference between being aggressively passionate in bed and being aggressive towards another person which is a huge red flag. The reason you posted is enough to know what he did was wrong.

Glad you are getting rid op it is best for your own safety.

Great sex doesn't equal a free pass to treat someone like dirt.

Branleuse · 02/10/2021 08:46

I thnk if you are quite highly sexed and enjoy something a bit more rough and passionate then its important to be even more careful to look out for red flags, as its become so mainstream now that all sorts of idiot pornstruck men are feeling sexually entitled.
This man isnt a dom. Hes not calm or self controlled with himself or with you. You will soon learn to not be able to relax and let go during sex if you feel like you might be in danger, and that can take quite a lot to undo that pyschological damage.
Its fun to play around with stuff like that with someone you truly trust, but a guy that gets angry with you when you move during sex - no way.

Zambezzi · 02/10/2021 08:54

Please be careful op and heed the advice on here.

I'll share my experience of slightly similar - I've NC'd for this.

I met a gorgeous man on a night out 20 odd years ago (before I was married.) Hit it off straight away, he was a lawyer, very well off etc. Divorced.
We arranged to go on a date and he took me to a flash restaurant then on for drinks. I was in awe of him tbh. We ended up back at my house and had sex a few times, it was good but nothing memorable.
He left and I didn't hear from him for a few days, then he messaged to say he'd prefer to be FWB rather than going out. I agreed to this as I thought I could win him round.

The next time he came round he brought champagne, poppers and coke, I didn't have the coke though. I was drinking champagne and he must have spiked my drink as I passed out. When I came round I was tied up on the bed, I was terrified which he obviously got off on. I'm not going to go into details on here but the next day I was covered in serious bruises and very sore all over. I was going to report it to the police but then I'd invited him round and we'd been sexting so I thought I was partly responsible.

I still have occasional flashbacks now.

Please look after yourself op.

userxx · 02/10/2021 09:03

@Zambezzi Jesus, that's horrific.

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