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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

197 replies

Maria53 · 01/10/2021 18:10

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together.

Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close.

The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now.

I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 01/10/2021 18:27

@HebalGerbil he actually did this moving me around repeatedly which I liked! He was a bit rougher than I'm used to which I enjoyed because most men I've been with are too vanilla. He did things that most nice men I've been with just refuse to do and I'm not really talking anything outlandish.

I feel we are very compatible in several ways but I think I agree I'll have to end it. Ugh!

OP posts:
RahRahRa · 01/10/2021 18:27

Sounds awful. I don’t understand how you can say the sex is good when he’s behaving like that - it’s put me right off!

PurgatoryOfPotholes · 01/10/2021 18:27

Please end it and never see him again. Block on all avenues he has to contact you.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 18:30

No. Seriously op end it. It could end up with you being assaulted or worse. It’s early days you’d expect best behaviour not anger and coercion.

Orgasmagorical · 01/10/2021 18:30

Be very careful about telling partners what makes you feel vulnerable, OP, and anyone else, it can be used against you.

Lex345 · 01/10/2021 18:30

I would be worrier that you are getting flashes of the real him early on when the mask is still on. This is likely to escalate-at the moment he could well be testing boundaries and what you are willing to put up with.

When people tell you who they really are-listen.

MakingM · 01/10/2021 18:31

@Maria53

It's really crap as things had been going so well.

The sex itself is outstanding but I'm not willing to be treated like this. I explained I feel vulnerable in bed and felt attacked. He had already apologised but not sure it's enough tbh.

What’s scary is you know he’s a wrong un, you know you should stop seeing him and yet you’re already making excuses for him
Journeynotdestination · 01/10/2021 18:31

End it. There are many ways he could have asked you not to move etc but his reactions and anger are going to prove him to be a horrible person and potentially abusive in the future.

1forAll74 · 01/10/2021 18:31

No, no, and no, no more bedtime with a man with this kind of attitude.

VavavoomHenry · 01/10/2021 18:33

That sounds scary. I wouldn’t want to see someone again if they did that.

Nayday · 01/10/2021 18:36

You've known him a few weeks and he's showing you this side of himself. What will that side look like in months, years?

Don't wait to find out x

MiddlesexGirl · 01/10/2021 18:39

Just think about it .... you'll never be able to lose that level of mistrust that he has caused. You will always feel vulnerable.

toocold54 · 01/10/2021 18:40

You’ve only been seeing him for a few weeks and this has happened twice already!!

Sex is meant to be fun and the best in the first few months so if he’s shown you his true colours twice so soon then it’s time to move on.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 01/10/2021 18:41

His aggression is clearly just bubbling below the surface. He can barely hide it. Listen to your instincts. Move on.

toocold54 · 01/10/2021 18:41

I also have never been with a man who wouldn’t do whatever position I wanted to, regardless of how long we’d been in the previous position, if it gave them cramp etc.

Suzi888 · 01/10/2021 18:41

I was going to say confront him about it (because you don’t like the vanilla sex) but to be honest he will deny all and it DOES sound scary.

IrishMel · 01/10/2021 18:43

This is definitely not right and not the way loving couples behave. He is controlling and to walk off in the middle and to then come back shows he has control and anger issues. I would be taking time apart and have a good think as this shows he has many issues and for him to show them so soon. I would personally talk to him and see what he says but you know yourself if does not sit right with you and your gut is telling you so.

IrishMel · 01/10/2021 18:46

Also he could be doing stuff he seen in porn and wants to be controlling. He could have a porn addiction. Speaking from personal experience and my gut was telling me things not right. Took a while but I just cut things off and after having time away from him it gave me time to think and clear my head. Listen to your gut. As another poster said his anger is bubbling and he is showing you who he is listen.

Ostryga · 01/10/2021 18:47

This is the thing we need to teach our daughters and friends!!

It does not matter how nice they are - THE SECOND they show their true colours get the fuck out immediately.

I stayed in a relationship that was lovely in the beginning and I ignored the signs. He ended up trying to kill me.

Never ignore your instincts. Never.

Eddielzzard · 01/10/2021 18:47

Sounds horrible. Listen to your instincts. If he's like this now, in the early days, he'll get worse.

beastlyslumber · 01/10/2021 18:47

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

His aggression is clearly just bubbling below the surface. He can barely hide it. Listen to your instincts. Move on.
You're lucky, OP. He's shown you who he really is. Get away from him.

There are nice men out there, I promise! Throw this one back.

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/10/2021 18:49

He is clearly showing you who he is, how he functions, how he reacts
It’s in plain sight. You feel uneasy. Cut your losses and go
You don’t need to give a big elaborate explanation or justify. Just say you’re not feeling it
Keep yourself safe break up in a bar or restaurant so he has to moderate his behaviour and have a pre-booked cab to make a safe escape. Don’t meet up again for 1:1
If has keys change the locks

Siameasy · 01/10/2021 18:54

I’d put money on him using porn

viques · 01/10/2021 18:54

“He was a bit rougher than I am used to”

And this is within a few weeks of sleeping together. You know he is going to carry on being a bit rougher, and a bit rougher, and a bit rougher don’t you, because when you tell him you don’t like or want something he likes and wants, or make suggestions for something you like, he doesn’t want to change because it’s not about what you enjoy doing together it’s about what he wants to do to your body. Eventually he will really hurt you, with luck you will end up a bit bruised. If you are unlucky you will end up with more serious injuries, or dead.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/10/2021 18:56

You are not being unreasonable at all. Just end it.