To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

[Maria53]

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together.

Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close.

The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now.

I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

@RhubarbTea I wouldn't be here if I didn't realise there was a problem.

I've never experienced someone becoming angry with me during sex before. Thanks for the advice and thoughts. Don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about this, for now anyway. It feels embarrassing.

Run.

If he’ll behave like this with a women he’s only just starting sleeping with, what will he think is acceptable in 6 months?

He sounds potentially dangerous. Finish it and I suspect his behaviour when you do will back up your instincts here.

You can go to the police and ask about Claire's law and you can find out if he has ever been in accused of any DV

Sounds like a psycho

Bloody hell, what does he have to do to bring you to your senses? Pull a knife on you?

Trust your instincts. Run like your tampon string is on fire 🏃 🔥

If it is possible to have both that is great - I just haven't experienced it yet.

It is, and I have. However, I have learned not to be so dismissive of what might count as 'vanilla'. There's nothing like being with someone who genuinely loves you and cares for you, and who is putting your pleasure first. Personally I find I can be much relaxed and therefore turned on with someone gentle and caring than with someone ostensibly more 'exciting' who doesn't quite respect my boundaries.

He sounds utterly repulsive ... Im so glad you are recognising your uneasiness OP.. 🌸

Run run run. That's not ok at all.

When I met my husband, he was very very affectionate and loving and wouldn't do anything non vanilla, he was worried about hurting me or something too I think. I told him what I wanted and he did it and now he's very good at it!

It can happen with nice men

@BertramLacey

If it is possible to have both that is great - I just haven't experienced it yet.

It is, and I have. However, I have learned not to be so dismissive of what might count as 'vanilla'. There's nothing like being with someone who genuinely loves you and cares for you, and who is putting your pleasure first. Personally I find I can be much relaxed and therefore turned on with someone gentle and caring than with someone ostensibly more 'exciting' who doesn't quite respect my boundaries.

Absolutely.

As for someone becoming angry with me during sex....... this is an absolute dealbreaker. No, no and no again. Just no!!!

@FlowerArranger of course you're right.

Thank you all. I know I need to break it off.

It has been such a lonely year and lockdown that it was so nice to meet someone and have romantic and fulfilling times. Until now.

It's hard to be lonely but worse to be mistreated.

I think I’m going to start a whole new thread because I don’t want to derail this one and the OP has had some really good advice but I really want to put it out there that great sex does not have to equate to rough sex, I have amazing sex , properly mind blowing sex with my DH and it is probably what most people here would call “vanilla” (really hate that term by the way!) and we both achieve orgasms every time and there isn’t a whiff or pain or domination around it. Occasionally we might role play or dress up but again there is nothing in there that would cause pain or hurt to either party.

You don’t need to be bruised and feel pain to have good sex, and I really worry that there are a lot of women out there who are have been convinced that they like rough sex when actually what they need is a good lover!

I honestly believe that the availability of hardcore porn is destroying people’s idea of what sex is supposed to be, which is pleasurable and loving and connecting, not dominating and hurting.

Ugh - who wants to have sex that leaves them with bruises? Honestly op that is not normal ... there is a whole ocean between vanilla boring sex and sex leaving you with various bruising.

It isn't normal to experience pain during sex that leaves marks on you. I'd ask yourself why you think it is.

End this now.
No good will come of this, he is an abusive twat.

Do not see him again.

Don't get me wrong, I've had good lovers for years at a time. But I personally do like slightly rougher sex sometimes - it excites me. In the past I've settled for good sex without that part but I've always felt unfulfilled. Loving sex is great too but there are other things I enjoy.

Re the bruises I bruise from the tiniest thing. It honestly didn't hurt at the time but he was probably too heavy handed overall. As others have commented, we didn't discuss this or boundaries beforehand.

@HebalGerbil

Okay Erm... That is a big fat nope in my book.

My H ONCE grabbed my ankles and positioned me and held me where e wanted me.

Never did it again because I kicked him in the face.

I am not a fucking wheelbarrow you own.

This made me lol as I had a similar experience once when I felt almost held down and when he didn’t immediately release his grip I lashed out and managed to kick him right off the bed! his face was a picture. Sitting shocked on the floor with a hard on. That never happened again!

He said he doesn't usually have disagreements in bed

Hes telling you something really important about himself here. You need to listen.

I have amazing sex , properly mind blowing sex with my DH and it is probably what most people here would call “vanilla” (really hate that term by the way!)

Best ice cream I've ever tasted was some very well made vanilla that my OH bought, spiced up with little bits of candied ginger. Don't look too hard for the metaphor.

@TheWeeDonkey

He said he doesn't usually have disagreements in bed

Hes telling you something really important about himself here. You need to listen.

Sorry I don't exactly follow @TheWeeDonkey ? You mean because he usually just gets what he wants?

Sorry but this weird behaviour aside, sex should not leave you with bruises.

@TheVolturi I bruise very easily during usual times. The thing is - I enjoyed the sex. I was not in pain at the time. That isn't the issue. I was shocked by the bruising afterwards because I hadn't felt pain. Now I think about I, I am a redhead and have a higher pain threshold usually.

The issue is his other behaviour. I appreciate all your comments. I feel down about it because I know what I have to do and the fact I need to let go of all the lovely intimacy and closeness to get rid of the unacceptable.

Yes thats what I mean. You raised the subject, you told him how you made it feel and he dismissed it. "He doesn't usually have disagreements" as if the issue is with you.

What does that tell you?

If he told you something you did made him feel unpleasant or uncomfortable how would you react? Would you tell him ex's didn't have a problem? Or would you look at how your behaviour upset him?

He sounds scary