Page 3 | To think I need to stop seeing him (red flags in bed)?

Maria53 · 2021-10-01T17:10:09+00:00

Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks and we recently slept together. Twice during sex his mood has changed quite rapidly. The first time I moved out of a position because we'd been at a long, long time and I needed a break (and he confronted me about 'why would you do that when I'm just about to cum?'). Has facial expression changed to one of almost anger. I also had no idea he was close. The second time, I asked him to move into a position which we'd really enjoyed previously & he refused. He said it had been a 'fluke' that he had managed it before due to the odd angle and gave me an ultimatum of what we could do instead. He then pressed me to decide quickly. I was so taken aback I just stared at him unmoving and he actually left the room for a few minutes. Afterwards he apologised & we went back to it without issues later but it is in my mind now. I would say that most of our time in and out of bed is some of the best times I've had. But that other small percentage of the time borders on scary due to the sudden mood change. AIBU?

Jenufer · 01/10/2021 18:57

Drop him like a hot potato.

SunshineCake1 · 01/10/2021 18:58

You clearly don't want to end it. Improve your standards!

Derbee · 01/10/2021 19:00

I think there is too much LTB man hating on mumsnet in general.

BUT this sounds creepy and weird. Trust your gut, you sound like you know you need to end this

Original poster

Maria53 · 01/10/2021 19:00

@IrishMel @viques I'm more bruised than I've been after sex. Various degrees of purple and yellow. But - it wasn't actually painful at the time! I think that is important to say. I am very pale & bruise easily.

Thing is I liked him being a bit rougher (as past men have been so vanilla I've been left bores to tears) but I agree you might be right it could be a warning sign coupled with the other behaviour. It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 01/10/2021 19:03

He's showing you his true colours. Run for the hills.

Comingup · 01/10/2021 19:05

This is disturbing to read. Don't wait to find out what is behind this behaviour, he obviously has some major issues and doesn't sound like he can control his temper.
My ex did something similar, and I stayed, it was a precursor to major abuse, he was really messed up mentally. Get rid.

viques · 01/10/2021 19:06

[quote Maria53]**@IrishMel* @viques* I'm more bruised than I've been after sex. Various degrees of purple and yellow. But - it wasn't actually painful at the time! I think that is important to say. I am very pale & bruise easily.

Thing is I liked him being a bit rougher (as past men have been so vanilla I've been left bores to tears) but I agree you might be right it could be a warning sign coupled with the other behaviour. It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.[/quote]
And I hope you find a partner who gives you that excitement and enjoyment, but it sounds as though this man doesn’t really care about your enjoyment as much as he cares about what he wants. Which makes me think he doesn’t care much about you as a person, because someone who cares about you would listen to you.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/10/2021 19:06

The sex itself is outstanding
errm - doesn't sound it from the original post - and if the sex was so outstanding, why does it make you feel vulnerable and attacked - not to mention so unsettled that you're asking questions on here about it?

BertramLacey · 01/10/2021 19:06

He said he doesn't usually have disagreements in bed but I find that hard to believe if this is his attitude.

If he doesn't have disagreements it's because he intimidates women into agreeing with him. He's also saying this so you think you're wrong rather than him admitting the problem is with him.

You can have excitement within a loving relationship. This is very different from fear within an abusive relationship.

SmellyOldOwls · 01/10/2021 19:07

[quote Maria53]@HebalGerbil he actually did this moving me around repeatedly which I liked! He was a bit rougher than I'm used to which I enjoyed because most men I've been with are too vanilla. He did things that most nice men I've been with just refuse to do and I'm not really talking anything outlandish.

I feel we are very compatible in several ways but I think I agree I'll have to end it. Ugh![/quote]
Sex with a bit of an edge is great, but only with someone you totally trust.

toocold54 · 01/10/2021 19:09

Thing is I liked him being a bit rougher

It’s fine to like rougher sex, no one likes boring sex but only with someone you trust. If you’re questioning things after only a few weeks you know things will get worse.

beastlyslumber · 01/10/2021 19:10

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.

You don't. A genuinely nice man will want to have sex that you both enjoy loads.

Or you might want to think about why you find being bruised and hurt by sex exciting. The way this man treats you sounds degrading and objectifying to me.

Think about the message you are sending yourself if you don't end it with this man. "It's okay for people to treat me badly; I won't be able to get anyone better." Then think about the message you're sending yourself by walking away: "I have pride in myself, and confidence, and self-knowledge. I'm not the kind of person who demeans herself just to hold on to a man. I only have relationships with people who genuinely treat me well."

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/10/2021 19:11

@Ostryga

This is the thing we need to teach our daughters and friends!!

It does not matter how nice they are - THE SECOND they show their true colours get the fuck out immediately.

I stayed in a relationship that was lovely in the beginning and I ignored the signs. He ended up trying to kill me.

Never ignore your instincts. Never.

This is a wise post that really covers it, wholeheartedly agree @Ostryga you seem pretty clued up, sorry you had such a dreadful experience

AlthoughTheyFlyByJumboJet · 01/10/2021 19:12

He sounds weird and unstable. When the relationship is new, most people are on their best behaviour. If this is his best, I really wouldn't care to see him at his worst!

Original poster

Maria53 · 01/10/2021 19:12

@BertramLacey

He said he doesn't usually have disagreements in bed but I find that hard to believe if this is his attitude.

If he doesn't have disagreements it's because he intimidates women into agreeing with him. He's also saying this so you think you're wrong rather than him admitting the problem is with him.

You can have excitement within a loving relationship. This is very different from fear within an abusive relationship.

This is what I think @BertramLacey. Either he is lying or he is used to being with compliant women/women who don't find it easy to say no.

Yes he framed what happened between us as being 'awkward' at first before apologising. As though we had both created an awkward situation.

OP posts:

mummylondon16 · 01/10/2021 19:12

actions speak louder than words. apology means nothing.
it’s pretty text book to give you amazing sexual experiences, play nice most of the time to get you hooked, then slowly add in the nasty side. the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

if you intend to stay do a domestic abuse disclosure request to your nearest police force, especially if living together, if you have kids etc. you need to know if there is a history of anything

i worked in DV and similar. don’t trust him trust your instincts

Mydogmylife · 01/10/2021 19:13

Leave

mummylondon16 · 01/10/2021 19:14

as for “ he is used to being with compliant women”… no he is the problem not other women and your made up perception of what they did or didn’t do to create his bad habits

abusive men thrive on control it isn’t an accident every step is planned

mummylondon16 · 01/10/2021 19:15

@beastlyslumber

It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.

You don't. A genuinely nice man will want to have sex that you both enjoy loads.

Or you might want to think about why you find being bruised and hurt by sex exciting. The way this man treats you sounds degrading and objectifying to me.

Think about the message you are sending yourself if you don't end it with this man. "It's okay for people to treat me badly; I won't be able to get anyone better." Then think about the message you're sending yourself by walking away: "I have pride in myself, and confidence, and self-knowledge. I'm not the kind of person who demeans herself just to hold on to a man. I only have relationships with people who genuinely treat me well."

this

Blossomtoes · 01/10/2021 19:18

He did things that most nice men I've been with just refuse to do

There might be a reason nice men refuse.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/10/2021 19:19

[quote Maria53]**@IrishMel* @viques* I'm more bruised than I've been after sex. Various degrees of purple and yellow. But - it wasn't actually painful at the time! I think that is important to say. I am very pale & bruise easily.

Thing is I liked him being a bit rougher (as past men have been so vanilla I've been left bores to tears) but I agree you might be right it could be a warning sign coupled with the other behaviour. It would be nice if I didn't have to choose between nice bloke and feeling excitement in bed.[/quote]
The things is, this should all be discussed and agreed before sex, not during. That way he knows your boundaries.

rainyskylight · 01/10/2021 19:19

Get out get out get out.

irishoak · 01/10/2021 19:20

My ex would also say that he doesn't have any disagreements in bed and that he's never forced anyone into anything.

I on the other hand, would say that he sexually assaulted me more than once and threatened more.

You're already doing non-vanilla stuff with him so early on and he's still putting the pressure on - big red flag.

Hogwarts21 · 01/10/2021 19:21

Communicate more. If he's about to orgasm, then he should let you know.

Also, how much porn has he watched over the years?

His approach seems a very entitled one, like he's able to command and order and have his way and you're supposed to just succumb?

That sounds like too much porn and his attitudes to women in bed are to just take what he wants.

Weird.

Wakey wakey, flakey 21st century porn-riddled man. This is a real woman, not someone who's paid to act on a screen.

WhatMattersMost · 01/10/2021 19:22

I've only just started dating again and promised myself I wouldn't ignore red flags.

And here's the moment you come through for yourself and stand by your promise. When it doesn't feel easy, that's when it's even more important to do so.