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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 01/10/2021 17:14

I think you are being unreasonable. 4 kids is manageable especially when at least two will be at school for a good chunk of the day. How do you think single parents cope with no partner support.
You are a blended family. If you are able to help out (even if it's only half the days) it will show you care about the family dynamics.

Could you not find out from the mother which parts of DH days will massively affect her. It may be a case of just needing help after school until she finishes work or something. Surely finding out first before refusing is the kind thing to do

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2021 17:15

I also think Mum should be the first port of call
Well if she was ok with it, it wouldn't be an issue and no need for this thread. It's clearly because she said no that it's now a question of whether OP says yes or no.

Cameleongirl · 01/10/2021 17:16

@Cocomarine Yes, they obviously resolved it.

I'm just pointing it out, because many posters seem to be gunning for the Dad and saying it's typical sexist behavior, when the Mum has done exactly the same thing in the past, for a holiday!

They both need to be respectful of each other's time and make arrangements going forward, IYSWIM.

FWBNC · 01/10/2021 17:18

@vdbfamily

I am with Great big Thunder on this one and I watched it with my younger brother and his ex wife. The inflexibility. No, they cannot come to important family do because it is my weekend. No I can't have them as it is not my day etc. Why do children suddenly only become your priority on your day. Surely you would be delighted to see more of them unexpectedly. I get that before and after school might be tricky last minute but most work places are flexible enough these days to find a work round. I am not saying this is all the ex being difficult but the kids need to be the priority. A sensible discussion between anyone of the adults involved in caring for these kids is required and the adults need to put the kids first and find a compromise that works.
Not everyone works 9-5 and the EX is his EX, she has no obligation to pick up the slack when he dumps his responsibilities any more.

Sure, they're her kids too, but she's entitled to make plans for the the small amount of time the responsibility of THEIR children isn't hers & not just drop work/plans because EX lord & master doesn't put his responsibility to HIS children first but assumes the women in his life will just do it because he says so

Just10moreminutesplease · 01/10/2021 17:20

Your DH is responsible for his children on his contact days. If he’s away he needs to make other arrangements (unless an arrangement such as having them longer once he’s back can be made with their mum).

You aren’t unreasonable to say no. But you’re unreasonable to think she should have to make do just because you have to…

You haven’t split up with your DH so don’t have a contact arrangement that needs to be respected.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 17:20

I think you are being unreasonable. 4 kids is manageable especially when at least two will be at school for a good chunk of the day

Then I'm sure Mum can manage with two then, considering they are the ones at school for a good chunk of the day.

How come it's so manageable for OP with 4 but Mum apparently can't be expected to manage with 2? 🤣

HalzTangz · 01/10/2021 17:21

Not really bizarre, kids kids are her kids siblings. They are a family all be it blended

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 17:21

she's entitled to make plans for the the small amount of time the responsibility of THEIR children isn't hers

He has them ONE night a week less than her. I'm not suggesting she shouldn't be able to make plans on her free time but it's a bit much to say she has a small amount of time to herself as if he has them EOW.

StrawBeretMoose · 01/10/2021 17:22

@Mayorquimby2

Your husband is completely shirking his responsibilities by not staying suitable child care.

So he's the unreasonable one in all this.

Yep, this sums it up. If it's his contact days his ex is absolutely not the unreasonable one here.

Personally I'd have them some of the time as it sends a message to the DSC that they matter to you, especially as their younger siblings live there. But it's up to the DH to sort.

Lou98 · 01/10/2021 17:24

YANBU for not watching them, they're not your children and it's unfair of him to expect you to, especially as you have children yourself.

However, you've said it will create an issue with his ex's work - why is his work more important than hers?
unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

He should be paying for childcare for their mums working hours so she isn't having to take time off/AL etc. She shouldn't be out of pocket for childcare or not being able to work because he's not able to take the kids on his days.

If I was her I'd have no problem keeping my kids overnight but would be expecting him to sort childcare so I could still work those days. I'd also think he'd want extra nights when he's back to make up the days he never saw them

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 17:24

Honestly I just hate the double standards on this.

"What if you were a single parent". Okay, what if the ex was? She'd have to manage then so what's she complaining for?

It works both ways, you can't say that to OP when it could apply to anyone in this situation, what would the ex do if the kids Dad had died, run off when they were babies, never saw them etc... It's all whataboutery that only ever seems to go one way. She isn't a single parent, and she doesn't have 4 children, she has two.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/10/2021 17:27

What childcare do the kids normally have after school? Can DH really not manage with remote meetings considering pandemic and environment?

AttaGirrrrl · 01/10/2021 17:29

You have a DH problem. He needs to sort this, not assume the women around him will.

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2021 17:32

Then I'm sure Mum can manage with two then, considering they are the ones at school for a good chunk of the day
But mum doesn't have to because it's not her days, end of.

Whoever is to help him is doing a favour to HIM. Unless it requires payment and then they are providing a service to HIM.

Exes don't owe each other favours, although it's nice when they do, when the demand isn't reasonable.

Partners do normally do favours for each other more freely and flexibly.

Blueroses99 · 01/10/2021 17:32

If it’s his own business, he is doing this because he wants to, not because he has to to keep a roof over his children’s heads.

I don’t understand this comment at all. He has to go fix a problem that could potentially result in losing clients, losing revenue or having to pay damages, all of which could mean losing his business if he doesn’t sort it out, and how would that put a roof over his children’s head?! Obviously I’m catastrophising but I’m relating the reference to testing to my own line of work and as a customer if a supplier made a mistake, I’d want the folk at the top to make sure it was fixed.

cjpark · 01/10/2021 17:34

It's your Dh's responsibility to sort it. Its his contact time. He either doesn't go or you as his wife does him the favour and helps out. The ex owes him nothing. Its not her contact time to sort out!

liveforsummer · 01/10/2021 17:36

I assume this trip is beneficial to your household and your income so I do think you're being unreasonable in not supporting your husband to go if it's important to your livelihood. It's not fair for him to expect DC's mum to suddenly be left without childcare. It's his job to sort something.

Livelovebehappy · 01/10/2021 17:37

His contact days, his problem. Your DH needs to find alternative care on the days he normally has them, just like his ex would have to do if the situation was reversed. That’s how it works.

cookingisoverrated · 01/10/2021 17:37

I think OP needs to ask her husband to think long and hard how he would feel if his Ex called and said he would have to keep hold of his children for a few extra days and sort care on her normal days, because she was headed off on a work trip. Even though husband works/had commitments.

It is HIS responsibility to sort, not his Ex's.

shouldistop · 01/10/2021 17:42

Your dh needs to find childcare for his children or take leave from work.

momtoboys · 01/10/2021 17:45

I have a friend whose DH decided to join the military kind of unexpectedly. He was away for a year and a half and she took his children from his previous marriages the same hours they would have been there had he been there. She was a saint.

violetbunny · 01/10/2021 17:46

@Quartz2208

No it is the Dads responsibility to sort out childcare on his time but I suspect he wont so it is up to two women neither of whom should be responsible and both of whom also seem to have work to do as well.

OP it isnt your responsibility but she isnt in the same position as you - this is his time and therefore she shouldnt have to step up either

In an ideal world I suspect a compromise could be reached but that would involve your husband doing it and I suspect he has just said he is going and that is it

And why does it need 10 days

Maybe it's not the ex wife's time, but they are still her kids. OP is not their parent!

FWBNC · 01/10/2021 17:46

@Coffeepot72

What would the ex do if the OP wasn’t in the picture?
It's NOT the Exs problem to sort out!!

It's the op's husbands, the kids DAD!!!

Nomoreusernames1244 · 01/10/2021 17:56

I have suddenly been called on a work trip. Away for 2 weeks.

Their other parent has had to take annual leave, work from home etc to manage it. It would be the same if we were together or had split.

My income is important, and this is my job. We both want to keep our jobs and income, so for unavoidable things like this it has to be a/l. If he had an important day and i was able to take a/l to provide childcare then that’s what we’d do.

I don’t get this set in stone your contact you arrange childcare for emergencies like this. Would you really have your kids go to a step parent or other carer rather than take a few days off work?

Lucked · 01/10/2021 17:57

He has to sort it out. I don’t think it is unreasonable for him to ask you as that is a potential solution to explore but you’re absolutely right that you can say no.

Can things be mitigated with afterschool club and grandparents? Otherwise I think he has to go to her cap in hand and ask what he can offer to make this workable for her - like taking them for a longer stretch when he is back.

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