AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

[PurpleMonkey2]

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

Yes seems odd that the trip will take 10 days. It's hardly likely to be NZ/Aus these days and even if he needs to show face somewhere- which I understand- it seems unlikely he'd need to be physically present for so long.

YANBU at all.

It feels like they are only family until it is an inconvenience.
If it's not a regular thing I would do what is best for the children, which is sticking to their usual routine. You're married, they are part of your family too.

Its not her days no and really does he hast to go for that long to fix something

however she has sprung contact on him before and i presume he just sqaid yes

@Nomoreusernames1244

I have suddenly been called on a work trip. Away for 2 weeks.

Their other parent has had to take annual leave, work from home etc to manage it. It would be the same if we were together or had split.

My income is important, and this is my job. We both want to keep our jobs and income, so for unavoidable things like this it has to be a/l. If he had an important day and i was able to take a/l to provide childcare then that’s what we’d do.

I don’t get this set in stone your contact you arrange childcare for emergencies like this. Would you really have your kids go to a step parent or other carer rather than take a few days off work?

The DH is fine with the kids staying with a step parent instead of him ditching work, why should the Ex be different? Presumably the kids know her well if they have 3 nights a week there. It's not as though OP is a complete stranger to them.

We have no idea if the Ex would be able to take time off work at short notice without harming her own income prospects. And her income is also important.

(None of which is meant to mean the OP is obliged to take them - this is her DH's problem.)

@Tailendofsummer

It feels like they are only family until it is an inconvenience. If it's not a regular thing I would do what is best for the children, which is sticking to their usual routine. You're married, they are part of your family too.

Not at all, and this kind of statement is emotional blackmail. They are always family, but not a family member for whom OP is responsible.

@HalzTangz

I think you are being unreasonable. 4 kids is manageable especially when at least two will be at school for a good chunk of the day. How do you think single parents cope with no partner support. You are a blended family. If you are able to help out (even if it's only half the days) it will show you care about the family dynamics.

Could you not find out from the mother which parts of DH days will massively affect her. It may be a case of just needing help after school until she finishes work or something. Surely finding out first before refusing is the kind thing to do

Single parents don't always cope,or at least not so well. Outcomes for children of single parents are not, on average, as good as or two parent families partly because of this sort of logistical nightmare.

But a direct comparison here isn't reasonable - this is a sudden ask, OP hasn't been able to develop systems or make choices that mitigate some of the problems. And the loss of doing it for 3 days isn't the same as the loss from it being a constant issue.

And shouldn't the DH be finding out what the most pressing problems are for the Ex. It really isn't OP's job to do that. Why is she the only one expected to be "kind"?

Well, if she’s done it to him in the past, now he’s doing it to her, then it’s between them to work out.

Don’t get involved, don’t make suggestions.

If it doesn’t work out (nanny etc) you may get the blame.

If she buggered off on holiday with hardly any notice dumping the poor DCs on you and DH then she's in no position to even ask you to have them

She'll have to suck it up like you and DH did.

It is your dhs problem. They are his contact days so he sorts out care for his children, if he cant find it, he simply doesnt go to the work thing.

Whaaat? Yeah, if my daughter's dad went away I wouldn't expect his partner to look after her. It's supposed to be his contact time! However if they both wanted it to happen (and especially if there were siblings who wanted to see each other) I wouldn't mind.

@DancesWithTortoises

If she buggered off on holiday with hardly any notice dumping the poor DCs on you and DH then she's in no position to even ask you to have them

She'll have to suck it up like you and DH did.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous and over dramatic. The OP hasn’t given the details of what happened that one time, several years ago.

Buggered off / dumping / poor DCs? 🙄

My XH once texted me and said, “any chance kids could come tomorrow instead? My mate just got free tickets for xyz”.

I said yes.

I knew if I’d had to say no, he’d have said, “no worries”.

The kids wouldn’t have minded - they’ve asked to cancel on both of us parents when they’ve had a better offer from friends 🤣

Asking your ex if they can accommodate a short notice change for you, and then willingly doing so, is not buggering off and dumping your poor children. Don’t be so silly!

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves

Your partner needs to have back up arrangements on his time with the children. His ex should not be considered childcare.

You are right. Why should you have to have the responsibility of all the children. It will be nice for you and your own child/children to have time for yourselves. It is up to him or his family to help out with childcare as you should not be the one expected to do it while he goes away. He needs to have a plan in place for future when he goes away for work. If I were you maybe take them for a few hours or so but no overnights as not your job.

I swear my DH’s ex would have happily dropped DSS off at an empty house, if our household had been in the OP’s situation. She viewed contact as respite care, and I don’t think is unusual. And she was fixated on her right to it.

She isn’t in the same position as you as she isn’t in a relationship with him, they just have a shared responsibility for the children. You choose to live with him as a family in a relationship with him and all the mutual support and shared decisions that go with that. It is his responsibility to find someone to cover his commitment- whether that be you, her or someone else. If he can’t find someone he can’t go

@Cocomarine

Have you been elected thread prefect? Silly person.

Children have two parents. Do both of them have this optional ‘contact’ set up. How does that work as they could potentially have nowhere to go?

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel it's not your responsibility to care for them. He is their father and therefore needs to consider his responsibilities like all other working parents do. If he can't arrange care for his children when he is responsible to do so then unfortunately he won't be able to go. I'm sure there are times where his ex is unable to do things as well. I often have to refuse to travel for work..

Next time my football WhatsApp pings with a parent juggling schedules asking for a lift for their child, so I reply with, “you poor child - such an inconvenience sad”.

Not even in the same ball park as being the same thing. This is 3 adults, who can’t, between them, juggle things in their lives so that the children are taken care of. Instead they are all pointing fingers as to who takes responsibility. I agree OP is unfairly being included in that 3, but even without her, these kids’ parents seem to be more concerned with how much upheaval it will cause to look after them for ten days. That’s way more than “can Timmy have a lift to football”

Have you been elected thread prefect?

Have you?

[quote DancesWithTortoises]@Cocomarine

Have you been elected thread prefect? Silly person.[/quote]
The lovely thing about MN is that we’re all allowed to point out when someone is being silly.

Which you were, with your OTT nonsense about “dumping” and “buggering off”, over perfectly normal request to change contact days which OP’s husband agreed to at the time.

@GreatBigThunder

Honestly I never understand the MN mindset of "my kids are nothing to do with me on exes time".

It's like people would sooner their kids be left with some random pulled off the street than have to deal with them during their exes contact every now and then.

There always seems to be an expectation on a step parent to step up because "they are your family", but they are literally the exes kids and the mere suggestion that she have them is absolutely abhorrent apparently.

Frequent things like this I can understand the ex refusing, but surely separated parents know that sometimes there will be occasions where urgent things crop up and you need to parent outside of your allotted "schedule".

My kids are mine and their dad's responsibility. Even if he was being a dick, it wouldn't just magically be someone else's responsibility and I think it's entirely obvious that the very first port of call in a situation like this is the child's other parent.

Honestly I find this view point on here really weird and a very bizarre way to parent, regardless as to whether you're separated.

Same with the "you're in a relationship and so you should help out", well they had kids together and it doesn't take a genius to work out that this may mean you have to take on more every now and then as the childs other parent.

I agree entirely. Also how easy everyone thinks it is to say no at work. If he doesn't go and sort out whatever it is he could go out of business then they're all up shit creek financially.

@GreatBigThunder

the most obvious person to ask (if the mum is unable/unwilling to have them) is the step parent, your partner, to help out

So you basically just agreed as you implied the mother would be asked first? I'm not saying OP shouldn't have been asked, just that it's not MORE down to her than anyone else. I also think Mum should be the first port of call.

No, I didn't agree with you. I would ask 'A' mother first because she might prefer to have her children instead of them staying with a SM or others /childcare, NOT because she's obliged to drop her own commitments when he decides to abandon his responsibility, assuming she will take up the slack!

Children have two parents. Do both of them have this optional ‘contact’ set up. How does that work as they could potentially have nowhere to go?

Indeed, it's weird isn't it, here's two parents with joint custody of their children, and so many people arguing that one of the parents doesn't have custody but simply sees them as "contact" and that's the only reason.

This isn't the risky parent getting an hour a week supervised contact, it's just the kids life, two parents some of time with one, some of the time with the other, the parent who cares for them on the day is always responsible on those day.