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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 01/10/2021 15:03

he sounds manipulative , selfish and controlling , if she had a medical condition that makes her tired very easily she may fine gymnastics or dance too much for her anyway , its just endless practice of the moves , its quite sad that he expects his 7 year old child to emulate his sister , it takes a lot of talent and the endless practice to become a really good gymnast , professional dancer , its pretty pathetic he hasnt got higher aspirations for his daughter than a sport career with a short shelf life
if he presses ahead with court i think a judge will be laughing him out of it again ,esp as he wants you to pay for it ,

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 15:05

@frazzledasarock

fourth paragraph on the OP. OP says its for medical reasons.

Could be a blister for all we know. Didn't state medical reasons as determined by a medical professional in the ' fourth paragraph on the OP'

Buffoonborisisatwat · 01/10/2021 15:06

Without going into too much detail she has a medical condition that means she's gets very tired very quickly and with school as well she's often utterly exhausted by Thursday and Friday so her consultant has said to keep it to 2 in 7 days preferably with one on a weekend.

gymnastics and dance would be much more exhausting than brownies and will totally wear her out.

Stall the ex-prat till she's a proficient swimmer then offer her the gym/dance options to replace swimming.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 15:06

lockdownbear Indeed! And solicitor letter would demand OP finds a class, takes her weekly and fully pays for activity too.
It’s so important to me she does it but I’m not doing a thing to sort it or pay for it. He’s absolutely delusional.
Like I said earlier I do know of a case where a dad wasted court time going to court over girl guides. Needless to say judge decided girl going on trip was indeed in her best interests.

Innocenta · 01/10/2021 15:07

I'm guessing your daughter has something like CF or a connective tissue disorder. She really shouldn't do gym or dance - other than purely recreational dance when she's a bit older - because she won't be able to excel at a competitive level, and your exH will probably fail to conceal disappointment. It's simply impossible to train as many hours per week as an athlete needs with medical restrictions.

I think he hasn't really taken on board that his daughter is quite delicate.

CornishGem1975 · 01/10/2021 15:09

If it's not on his contact time, it's none of his frigging business.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 15:17

I would be careful with him trying to turn her against activities she enjoys eg saying it’s babyish. He obviously doesn’t know her as he barely sees her or and doesn’t have her best interests at heart - sounds like he doesn’t understand or is minimising her medical condition.
It smacks of trying to control you both.
Even if he pays (and he’s so daft he’s saying you pay) it’s still your valuable time taking her and dealing with associated faff - I doubt he’s sewing elastic on ballet shoes etc.

greenlynx · 01/10/2021 15:19

My DD has medical condition which means she’s getting tired quickly. She couldn’t do any after school activities on the weekdays at 7. She started dance at 9 once a week and it’s quite tiring and it’s not very competitive dance group. If you are aiming for higher level you need a lot of practice and dance teacher would encourage you to do several dance classes per week and there are exams and shows. So your Ex sounds absolutely unreasonable and no way he’ll get his way through the court and it even before the argument that he doesn’t want to pay.

SunshineCake1 · 01/10/2021 16:24

Would he try to influence her?

Unless there's a chance she'd be a successful gymnast, or love it more than anything else, I would say Brownies is more useful for the real world.

YouTubeAddict · 01/10/2021 16:28

This is so ridiculous. It sounds like he’s doing this to try and get one over you whilst forgetting that your (joint) DD would be collateral damage if she had to give up Brownies. What a dick! I’m outraged on your behalf. Tell him to jog on and stick a woggle where the sun don’t shine 😂

Innocenta · 01/10/2021 16:35

@SunshineCake1 Exactly - and her chance of excelling in gymnastics as a physically fragile child who can only train once a week is effectively 0.

(Also, given the abysmal abuse record of British Gymnastics, I'd be very hesitant to put a child into that activity at the moment.)

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2021 16:56

What a twat. Let him take you to court 🙄.

SoupDragon · 01/10/2021 16:58

[quote Strangevipers]@frazzledasarock

fourth paragraph on the OP. OP says its for medical reasons.

Could be a blister for all we know. Didn't state medical reasons as determined by a medical professional in the ' fourth paragraph on the OP'[/quote]
What is your problem exactly?

Rannva · 01/10/2021 17:05

Call his bluff and tell him to go to court. Judges hate bellend fathers making dicks of themselves.

He's doing it to piss you off. Ignore it and let him draft court letters over it like the tosser he is.

cansu · 01/10/2021 17:06

I would be relishing the prospect of listening to him tell the judge why he was wasting the court's time! Brownies is an excellent after school activity and your dd is happy with it. She is under no obligation to change just because he wants her to do gymnastics. Laugh and advise him to crack on with court if he feels it is appropriate. Put in writing his request and your reply that dd is perfectly happy to continue with brownies.

Offmyfence · 01/10/2021 17:08

Tell him no.

fitzi4life · 01/10/2021 17:14

Don't let it get to an argument. Just say that's ok with me of DD agrees. He can't argue if she doesn't want to give brownies up. He can't bring her to court!

knittingaddict · 01/10/2021 17:20

@fitzi4life

Don't let it get to an argument. Just say that's ok with me of DD agrees. He can't argue if she doesn't want to give brownies up. He can't bring her to court!
I wouldn't do that personally. Exs like this can be manipulative arses and a child shouldn't have be dealing with that kind of pressure.
gogohm · 01/10/2021 17:30

If she gets that tired I dont think dance or gymnastics makes sense anyway, brownies is less active

2reefsin30knots · 01/10/2021 17:40

If there is some reason she can only do 2 activities a week, she's not going to be able to progress with gym or dance anyway, however naturally talented.

It might start at once a week, but a squad gymnast would be on 15hrs a week by 8/9yo and more hours than that to follow.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 01/10/2021 17:43

The problem with both dance and gymnastics is that that once a week class quickly morphs into an all encompassing activity that takes up days off your time, weekends and dance at least can be incredibly expensive having the correct uniform and shoes and upsizing everytime their feet grow. Those activities have to be more regular than once a week if you want to progress to maintain flexibility I suppose. Unless you can find a purely recreational group then it's never going to be a straight swap of brownies/swimming to gym/dance, it's likely she'll be expected to go multiple times a week and if she doesn't the other people in her class will be put forward for exams and move on and she won't go with them.

Either way, he doesn't get to dictate what you do with her in your time as you can't dictate what he does in his time. There's not a judge in the land that would force you to take AND pay for any activity just because her dad wants her to go.

purpleme12 · 01/10/2021 17:51

There's loads of recreational groups as well as the competitive ones
Gymnastics or dance doesn't automatically mean all encompassing or competitions etc

Looubylou · 01/10/2021 18:18

If daughter begs to do dance /gymnastics, and is happy to drop brownies, then I'd let her. But dance is a big commitment for parents (you!). I wouldn't bring it up. I bet she asked because ex has been planting seeds. At 7, I don't think she would have dropped it, if she really wanted to - she'd keep asking. Is your ex under the influence of his sister/gran. Seems a strange thing for a dad to be so insistent about, unless he was a dancer himself. Court 🤣🤣

Lockdownbear · 01/10/2021 21:19

@Looubylou
Don't doubt the hidden agenda. As others have pointed out gym and dance very quickly become many hours per week.
If the DD gets involved in either that costs Op a fortune and ties her down multiple nights and weekends. The girls health and wellbeing are very low on his priority list.

This is more about controlling the Op than it is about dance, gym, swimming or brownies!
BTW Op I fully agree swimming is essential , for many reasons including safety, access to watersports, and when recovering from injury or poor health a gentle swim can work wonders. Brownies will give access to so many things too.

SharpLily · 01/10/2021 21:29

Given your consultant's previous advice, could you not just circumvent any awkwardness with your ex by asking for medical confirmation that it would be unwise for your daughter to taken anything as strenuous as gymnastics or dance?

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