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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
2Two · 02/10/2021 18:49

Does he have a solicitor? If so, I suspect he'll b advised to forget the whole iea. No judge is going to be impressed about being asked to decide between brownies and dancing.

DaventryDippyAunt · 02/10/2021 18:53

Not at all — if she loves Brownies SO much (as she clearly does) then she should be allowed to continue! She might also want to dance and/or gymnastics, but if it isn't possible to do all of them, then it should be her choice (if considered recreational) or for all of you to agree (the priority being you first, then her and him) if considered part of her education and development, in my view.

ERFFER · 02/10/2021 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kteeb1 · 02/10/2021 19:24

So he won't pay for classes but will pay for a solicitor to try to force you to pay for classes? Wow. What kind of help and support do you have? Because he sounds toxic and you sound like you have been ground down by him and don't have much left to fight off you have to go to a solicitor to tell you you don't need to do this. Can you get some counselling? It may take a while but speak to your gp to see if you can get some help. Join some single ostentatious support groups. See what help there is in your area for people who have been domestically abused because my love, this is what this is. He's psychologically abusing you even now.

FreddieMercurysCat · 02/10/2021 19:28

Tell him to 0-1-2-1 do one. If your DD wanted to change, fine. But he has no say on this one.

DarkDarkNight · 02/10/2021 19:29

I e never heard anything so ridiculous as to take you to court to stop your daughter from doing an activity she loves. It’s an empty threat I’m sure and if he did get it to court what are they going to do? It’s not like you drag your daughter there against her will.

Tigger1895 · 02/10/2021 19:41

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
This
Cherrysoup · 02/10/2021 19:52

I would LOVE to see a solicitor’s letter about Brownies! 🤣 Your ex sounds like an utter nob.

Ozanj · 02/10/2021 19:58

Your consultant wouldn’t consider brownies an activity. My DN has a blood disorder gets tired really quickly and sibling was told to restrict activity to 1 out of 7 days but were clear to mention they don’t include ‘classroom’ scouts / brownies /hobby type activities.

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 20:02

I wouldn't waste my money on a letter from the solicitor. I'd just say take me to court over it. Obviously he won't do that.

Smashingspinster · 02/10/2021 20:08

FFS - what an asshole! Tell him to jog on and if he does push it, enjoy the responses he will get from anyone legal he speaks to about stopping his DD doing an activity she loves because of his sisters talents.

Rainbowsew · 02/10/2021 20:11

He's the unreasonable one he doesn't get any say in activities he won't even pay for ! Shock

IF she wants to do gymnastics and he was offering to pay that'd be something you'd have to discuss if she really can't have another activity added to her current ones.

If she can only have two the she is of an age to decide which two she wants. It's pointless paying for an activity she is isn't interested in and her parents want her to do for their own spurious reasons. I speak from experience there piano lessons I'm looking at you

Rainbowsew · 02/10/2021 20:13

@LetHimHaveIt

With the best will in the world, it actually troubles me that people come on here because they genuinely fear a NR parent who doesn't even pay for their child's activities, can insist that their daughter switches from Brownies to dance or gymnastics. I can only assume that they've been ground down by so much fuckery that they don't know which way is up.
Absolutely agree with this.whatever has happened to the op that she thinks he has an ounce of leverage in such a situation Sad
Mommabear20 · 02/10/2021 20:27

@BelleOfTheProvince guides is part of Girl Guiding U.K., boys aren't apart of it so they'd never share a tent. You might be thinking of scouting as that's for boys and girls.

Pixxie7 · 02/10/2021 20:29

He is better incredibly selfish and controlling if he wants his daughter to go dancing or gymnastics he will have to pay. If he takes you to court so be it but I doubt any magistrate will expect you to give up brownies in favour of a more expensive activity.

Dragonsmother · 02/10/2021 20:31

Can I ask- has he found a dance/gymnastics class for her to go to?

It seems very odd that his relating this to his sisters talent. As I have the SIL from hell and this is what she used to do- I’m just putting this out there… perhaps someone else is behind his persistence?

If he wants her DD to go to dance he should be the one to pay and organise it. If he takes you to court I hope they see that Thai is controlling behaviour. Let the child choose what she wants not what the CF thinks she should do because of his sister.

He needs a head wobble. It sounds like he may also be prodding you for conflict

Larryyourwaiter · 02/10/2021 20:33

He sees her 2 nights a month. It’s really none of his business. You’re the parent here. Don’t engage in a conversation with him, you’re only opening yourself up to further nonsense.

Happyher · 02/10/2021 20:42

You have to wonder who the child is here. Ask you daughter which she’d like to do and stick with that. Forcing her to do something she has no interest it is cruel and may affect her self esteem if she isn’t good at it. ExH seems like a spoilt brat YANBU

BathMatToe · 02/10/2021 20:59

Why does he only see her once a fortnight?

Yesitsbess · 02/10/2021 21:42

If you click on 'see all' for OPs responses, he was offered more contact time via the court order but didn't take it up.

YorkshireLass2012 · 02/10/2021 21:58

Wow. Just wow. No wonder he is an ExH 👀🤦🏻‍♀️

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/10/2021 22:10

[quote Mommabear20]@BelleOfTheProvince guides is part of Girl Guiding U.K., boys aren't apart of it so they'd never share a tent. You might be thinking of scouting as that's for boys and girls.[/quote]
@Mommabear20

A year ago they announced that Girl Guides were open to trans girls, ie boys identifying as girls.

That's a whole Grand Canyon's worth of worms, not just a can's, so I'll just leave it there as a statement of fact for now. I don't want to derail the thread.

Bangolads · 02/10/2021 22:16

I’ve been in family court for my job. If it got that far I don’t think a judge will look that favourably.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 02/10/2021 22:19

WT actual F! I think you need to sort this minor issue out outside of court. Perhaps you could simply ask your DD what she would prefer to do?

Skysblue · 02/10/2021 22:20

No court in the country is going to order you to stop taking your daughter to Brownies if she enjoys it.

That said if his sister was amazing at dance/gym then it is a shame not to try it just in case it’s a family talent that she hasn’t had an opportunity to explore, and age 7 is already quite late to start. I’d suggest just do dance as well but on a weekend so she isn’t to tired. Possibly he could take her?