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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 01:19

@fitzi4life

Don't let it get to an argument. Just say that's ok with me of DD agrees. He can't argue if she doesn't want to give brownies up. He can't bring her to court!
She’s 7. Every single one of the 26 nights a year he sees her he can repeat at her that she would be so talented as a gymnast, daddy would be so proud of her and don’t you want to make daddy proud, auntie Sarah and grandma would be so happy, don’t let your mummy stop you from being amazing, you have to live your life, I just want you to bw happy…. So god no, don’t make it about what she wants. That is asking for the ex to pressure the child directly.
timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 01:22

[quote Strangevipers]@frazzledasarock

fourth paragraph on the OP. OP says its for medical reasons.

Could be a blister for all we know. Didn't state medical reasons as determined by a medical professional in the ' fourth paragraph on the OP'[/quote]
There is more detail on other posts by the op but there is no way I am going to look those up again and copy them since you can’t be bothered to read and instead are just here to be arsey. Now, you could think of something rude to reply OR you could read the ops posts. There can’t be more than 10, it probably takes roughly a 7 year old reading comprehension level, so seems manageable.

Strangevipers · 02/10/2021 01:41

@timeisnotaline

Clearly you are upset !

FYI

  1. EVERYONE is entitled to their own opinion

  2. telling me what to do is controlling , you may want to work on that

Fleshmechanic · 02/10/2021 01:55

No. She loves it. End of discussion. Grey rock method from there.

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 03:29

Hahhaaa I was pretty sure strangevipers would go for option 1 Grin

Offmyfence · 02/10/2021 06:19

[quote Strangevipers]@frazzledasarock

fourth paragraph on the OP. OP says its for medical reasons.

Could be a blister for all we know. Didn't state medical reasons as determined by a medical professional in the ' fourth paragraph on the OP'[/quote]
There is a marvellous function on MN, you can filter and read just the OPs posts.

Then you would be aware that it's not a blister.

I'm sure OP is sorry she didn't say it was medical reasons confirmed by a medical profession!

Georgewontsleepnow · 02/10/2021 12:16

Children have different capacities, so she may be able to do more than two activities. I would be firm that dance or gym is on dads time and at his expense. You'll soon see how strongly he feels about a different club.
You should not stop Brownies or swimming or though.

AnneElliott · 02/10/2021 13:13

God what is it with these men! Say no and let him take yuu to court over an activity you do in your time. He could always find a dance school (7 is not too old) on his weekend if he really wanted to - but he hasn't, so it's more about control.

My friend has an ex like this. Likes to try and control what she does with the kids on her time. He signed his son up for a sports activity on an evening that finished at 10pm. Too late for her younger one to be out collecting him. The ex's solution was that a 13 year old do a train ride and a 15 min walk at each end after 10pm at night to get home by himself! He couldn't understand why she said no Hmm. And of course he couldn't possibly pick him up and bring him home.

Mangosmoothiesprinkles · 02/10/2021 13:27

YANBU, but could you let her try the third activity? You might find she does cope with 3, even if the consultant feels 2 is enough :).

Lockdownbear · 02/10/2021 14:04

@Mangosmoothiesprinkles

YANBU, but could you let her try the third activity? You might find she does cope with 3, even if the consultant feels 2 is enough :).
Why push it, and go against medical advice, if she is already tired on Thursdays and Fridays?
Mumontour85 · 02/10/2021 17:28

He wants to change an established and enjoyable routine, and expects you to pay for it?! Haha, tell him you'll see him in court. Where he'll probably end up having to contribute towards Brownies and end up with the court costs for both parties!

Kidsgrownup · 02/10/2021 17:41

Coercion and control. Say no. It is your daughter who's important here, not him.

Goldbar · 02/10/2021 18:04

Offer to think about it so long as he pays for it and he takes your DD (either on his weekend or he picks her up one day a week from school).

Unless he's willing to facilitate her activities, I think he'd be laughed out of court for trying to interfere with them.

Mummy2TandM · 02/10/2021 18:17

Does the poor child not get a say in this? I get she is 7 but is more than capable of making a decision of brownies or dancing / gymnastics.

Frazzledstar1 · 02/10/2021 18:20

He’s rather pay for court proceedings that dance/ gymnastics lessons? Hmm

Ignore, if she’s enjoying brownies I’d be reluctant to give it up just because he says so.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/10/2021 18:21

What a plonker! Yes call his bluff.

5thnonblonde · 02/10/2021 18:23

Could you compromise that she can go to summer school classes at his expense (assuming Brownies is term time only)

5thnonblonde · 02/10/2021 18:25

But yeah- what a tool! ExH here wasn’t keen on my DD going to rainbows and was a bit grumbly about it but seeing how much she loves it he instantly changed his time and is nothing but supportive- can’t believe his daughter’s fondness for the activity doesn’t factor

deedeegee · 02/10/2021 18:30

Apart from the ExH suggested activities being costly and perhaps more that the medical capacity of DD, neither gymnastics nor dance is likely to last beyond puberty as research shows….
Was in a similar situation with my ex and my ex wanted DD to be available at the drop of a hat to see him when it suited him not according to the court order. I dug my heels in.
DD went to Brownies, skipped Guides but joined Rangers at 14 and at 25 is still involved! She has attained all the necessary’licenses’ required, ran a brownie pack for 2 years when she started University, became a GG advocate and a member of the Scottish Youth Parliament, through it plus D of Edinburgh…. And there’s more! Take home message is that your DD wil have the potential to get a lot more out of GG than gymnastics or dance. Swimming is a great skill to learn and is life long too!!

riceuten · 02/10/2021 18:30

What a nasty controlling piece he is. You are well shot of him.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/10/2021 18:33

You state that for medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week; no idea what these are, but presumably even if DH's sister was a brilliant dancer/gymnast, the practice that would be required to produce competition standard dancer/gymnast could well be beyond DD anyway - even if there was a genetic link on being brilliant at dancing/gymnastics.

If DH is that keen, tell him to enrol for gymnastics/ballet himself, continue with DD doing whatever she enjoys.

Bertiebiscuit · 02/10/2021 18:38

Well I see why you divorced this controlling rather poor father to his daughter -, tell him you will let the court know he is already breaking the custody agreement, and that you want to honour the court ordered arrangements, so she will be going to Brownies

peppermintpat · 02/10/2021 18:42

No wonder he's an ExH. Tell him see you in court. What a cockwomble.

YDBear · 02/10/2021 18:43

What a total tosser. No wonder he’s an Ex. Keep her in Brownies which she obviously loves. Tell him to take you to court. He will be totally humiliated if he tries.

LetHimHaveIt · 02/10/2021 18:48

With the best will in the world, it actually troubles me that people come on here because they genuinely fear a NR parent who doesn't even pay for their child's activities, can insist that their daughter switches from Brownies to dance or gymnastics. I can only assume that they've been ground down by so much fuckery that they don't know which way is up.