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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there are some decent men

717 replies

Poppyscone · 30/09/2021 15:31

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

OP posts:
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6
Dutch1e · 30/09/2021 17:29

Why is there always such a rush to placate men after one of them does something hideous?

Exactly. Be fucking uncomfortable you dangerous arseholes, until you get so uncomfortable you start being the hero you obsessively watch as the main character in films.

Laiste · 30/09/2021 17:30

I think this thread needs to stay.

The replies are worth reading and might make some people think twice about their smug NAMALTing.

Dazzledrop · 30/09/2021 17:33

Very weird to read today’s events and think you need to start a thread about how nice your husband is ….

As PP’s have said, this time last year members of Wayne Couzens own family would probably have said he is a decent, kind, family man. One of the significant issues surrounding male violence is that the “monsters” actually are individuals who very often come across as normal, nice people. They aren’t walking around with badges saying “I’m a violent killer” - they’re husbands, dads, sons who many many women know and would inherently trust.

To say that it’s not all men takes away from the fact that no, it’s not all men, but ultimately we can never be sure WHICH men it is.

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 17:36

Also, the ‘good’ men aren’t sitting and feeling sorry for themselves about this and don't want women to feel sorry for them. They recognise that they aren’t the victims.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 17:37

@birdglasspen

All men have mothers....what are we as mothers doing to make sure our boys grow into decent men? Of course dads need to be doing it too but as a mother of 3 boys I’m going to take responsibility for creating decent men..... I’m not writing them off as male therefore they will be dreadful humans, Mumsnet seems to be full of men haters. Op you’re right they aren’t all bad and the bad ones.....for those brought up by two parents the mum had an input in how they turned out surely?
What sort of woman blaming shit is this?

Awful man - must be the way his mother raised him.

Laiste · 30/09/2021 17:37

Amazing to think that Sonia Sutcliffe would probably have nodded along with the OP back then.

grapewine · 30/09/2021 17:38

@tofuschnitzel

YABU. Of course it's not all men, but we can't tell the good from the bad, so we have to assume all men could pose a threat to women. I'm sure Couzen's wife thought he was a good man too.

This post is in very poor taste.

All of this.
grapewine · 30/09/2021 17:43

We can't even have one day, can we? You couldn't even agree with your husband own statement without wanting to placate his feelings.

He's right, though.

Sniv · 30/09/2021 17:46

Too many 'decent' men are only decent to some women. The women in their own family, say, or women who they deem to be of a particular social standing or class, or women who dress and present a certain way, or women who are the same race as them, or women who are with a man. And that makes the people around them think they are 'decent to women'. But they are only decent to some women.

Other women are fair game.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 30/09/2021 17:48

I find it bizarre that people can make a judgment on half the human race based on a few ‘bad apples’. On ‘girls’’ nights out, plenty of crude lecherous comments are made with no one calling them out.

And, I know many men who would call out more extreme misogynistic comments.

Lookingoutside · 30/09/2021 17:54

Why do you want to hear about them?

The global epidemic of male violence against women will still exist. We are ending up in cemeteries OP, because that’s how much men hate women.

I’m glad you have a good man as your partner.

Theoldprospector · 30/09/2021 17:55

‘Everyone thinks their husbands/sons/brothers are the "good ones". Clearly some people are wrong.’

Mine aren’t the good ones.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 17:58

@TheReluctantPhoenix

I find it bizarre that people can make a judgment on half the human race based on a few ‘bad apples’. On ‘girls’’ nights out, plenty of crude lecherous comments are made with no one calling them out.

And, I know many men who would call out more extreme misogynistic comments.

Here we go.

NAMALT

Women do it too

I know men who call out behaviour like that

Did your 'pick me' dance work? Are the men impressed?

Bobsyer · 30/09/2021 18:01

YABU.

Glad you’re happy in your relationship but the entirety of mankind doesn’t need you to defend them.

Feelingoktoday · 30/09/2021 18:02

@SuperstarDog

My partner is a good one. He still would never challenge a mate for sexist behaviour. He would not say to a friend “that joke is inappropriate”.

He’s not a good one then is he. He’s just not as bad as some others and is part of the problem. Raise the fucking bar.

I think you live in cloudcookoo land. I have a high bar. I just know most men would not challenge their mates. They might say they would to their wives but where did “what goes on stag stays on stag” originate from? So until we can all be honest about the men we know we are not going to change.
Feelingoktoday · 30/09/2021 18:04

@Sniv

Too many 'decent' men are only decent to some women. The women in their own family, say, or women who they deem to be of a particular social standing or class, or women who dress and present a certain way, or women who are the same race as them, or women who are with a man. And that makes the people around them think they are 'decent to women'. But they are only decent to some women.

Other women are fair game.

Exactly.
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 30/09/2021 18:08

I agree that most men wouldnt challenge their friends, that’s why these things go on as no one challenges them.

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 30/09/2021 18:10

I would have been guilty of feeling like this a few years ago, I had what I thought was a decent partner.

Now he's fucking me about, literally fucked off and left me with no fucking money and a kid to feed and a house to heat, took my child away for a week and refused to let me speak to him for days.
Spends money I need on expensive rum ffs while I'm eating beans.

If you asked any of his friends they'd say he was a lovely respectful guy who cares about his kids.

Nah he's just another shit.

I have never ever met a man who wasn't a shit in some way, even my Dad, who is technically nice, but fucked over my mum during the divorce.

Almost every single one I've known who's got kids has at the very least paid and done the very fucking bare minimum for them, and all of them have left the mother to crack on with the drugs/shagging/boozing/football.

This isn't the time.

They are killing us, fucking us over, and barely pull their weight even as "good guys".

I've fucking had enough of them.

I'm lucky I'm bisexual cos I'm never going near one again.

knittingaddict · 30/09/2021 18:10

Of course there are and I'm married to one, but I do think there is a culture amongst men in general that is toxic and causes huge issues in their relationships with women. I think that does need to be acknowledged and I hope that it can be turned around. However we women can only do so much and it needs men to stand up and do their bit too. Challenge the toxic behaviour, make it unacceptable and teach the future generations of boys to be better people with an appropriate respect for the women around them.

IfImLyingImDying · 30/09/2021 18:13

@Feelingoktoday you’re missing the big glaring obvious point

“What goes on a stag stays on a stag” and men not challenging their friend’s banter is why 97% of young women are abused. It’s exactly that culture that needs to change.

We need men to stand up against this behaviour. If they don’t, they are just helping towards making VAWAG continue.

Theflamingnerd · 30/09/2021 18:15

Poor taste OP

We don't exist to validate men and reassure them they're the good ones. If they're so good why aren't they doing more to sort out their fucking sex?

The threat from men is relentless. I couldn't even get home from work today without a creep telling me how much prettier I'd be if I smiled. When I announced loudly on the packed train "I don't know you, I don't owe you a smile or pretty" not one fucking 'good man' told the creep to leave me alone. Nope, they all stood there observing whilst he called me an ugly cunt and said I deserved a punch... So while they may not all be rapists and murders, they're all part of the problem.

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 18:15

Another one telling is their husband is a good one. We don’t fucking care!

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 30/09/2021 18:17

Seriously in my long time, from the creepy ice cream guy when I was 9, through the constant street harassment in school uniform and older, the wanking guys on the tube, the creeps in bars, and all my friends being treated like shit, either just disrespected, left to do all the housework and childcare or through to being beaten (this was me in my last relationship), being pressured for sex, being raped I could go on and fucking on

I fucking hate them all right now.

I don't think that's an extreme reaction.

None of you know what they do on their own, the jokes they tell each other, the attitudes towards women.

The amount of "decent men/fathers/husbands" in the pubs I've worked in who have laughed at rape jokes, grabbed the barmaids arse etc etc are fucking insane.

knittingaddict · 30/09/2021 18:19

@SuperstarDog

Another one telling is their husband is a good one. We don’t fucking care!
Sorry, I've added to that roll call and I get your point. I hope my other points make up for it slightly.
MintyCedric · 30/09/2021 18:19

YANBU if you tell us where to find the buggers!