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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there are some decent men

717 replies

Poppyscone · 30/09/2021 15:31

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Heronwatcher · 30/09/2021 19:12

Oh god, every time we have this conversation someone pipes up with the whatabouts and the not all men. That’s not the point. There are too many abusers and dangerous men, and too many who haven’t got the balls to speak against “banter” and “locker room talk” and that needs to change. Until it does a healthy level of distrust of all men is sensible.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 19:12

I got told on the Feminism board many years ago that the man who raped me as a 15 yo virgin was behaving that way because of toxic masculinity.

I thought it was because he was a rapist, but what do I know?

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 30/09/2021 19:13

@birdglasspen

All men have mothers....what are we as mothers doing to make sure our boys grow into decent men? Of course dads need to be doing it too but as a mother of 3 boys I’m going to take responsibility for creating decent men..... I’m not writing them off as male therefore they will be dreadful humans, Mumsnet seems to be full of men haters. Op you’re right they aren’t all bad and the bad ones.....for those brought up by two parents the mum had an input in how they turned out surely?
So it’s the mother’s fault?
Greentrianglesarethebestones · 30/09/2021 19:13

Another fucking Not All Men thread on today of all days? Fuck's sake.

thefourgp · 30/09/2021 19:15

You’re part of the problem OP. Male violence against women is endemic. Coming onto a forum that’s largely used by women in bad relationships, on a day where nearly everyone’s talking about a horrific rape and murder, to smugly brag about how great you think your husband is and preach NAMALT, is in such poor taste. You should be ashamed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 19:17

Sorry OP but this is really fucking tone deaf this week. Jesus christ.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 30/09/2021 19:18

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

I know I'm banging on but I am so so fucking angry at men right now.

So. Fucking. Angry.

They fucking deserve the anger, even the supposedly nice guys just don't fucking step up when it's needed.

Fuck them all.

They don't want to be tarred with this brush, then fucking sort yourselves out.

Amen!
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 19:21

You’re part of the problem OP. Male violence against women is endemic. Coming onto a forum that’s largely used by women in bad relationships, on a day where nearly everyone’s talking about a horrific rape and murder, to smugly brag about how great you think your husband is and preach NAMALT, is in such poor taste.

This. Hopefully OP will get this having read the posts since and come back to say this was ill judged and thoughtless.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2021 19:27

Where has op gone ?

@RozHuntleysLeftHand I get your anger and I stand with you

Katyppp · 30/09/2021 19:29

Amid all the hysterical posturing, I have to ask: Do any of you have sons?

Lookingoutside · 30/09/2021 19:29

‘But we all know there are good and bad apples in everything... men and women.’

Can we stop talking about FUCKING apples?

Lookingoutside · 30/09/2021 19:30

@Katyppp

No. Why?

ArabellaScott · 30/09/2021 19:31

@DismantledKing

This isn’t really the time for NAMALT
This.
LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 19:32

@Katyppp

Amid all the hysterical posturing, I have to ask: Do any of you have sons?
Yes I do.

Great question Confused

Katyppp · 30/09/2021 19:34

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms.
But no matter

DismantledKing · 30/09/2021 19:35

@Katyppp

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms. But no matter
I really don’t see why you think this is in any way a good point
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 19:41

@Katyppp

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms. But no matter
If my sons stood by while their mates made sexist comments and / or made women uncomfortable I would be bitterly disappointed in them.

If my sons called out sexism and challenged the 'lad culture' acceptability of sexism and misogyny I would be proud of them. It is what I expect decent blokes to do.

I would also expect decent, good boys and men to understand that when people talk about the issue of male violence, they aren't being personally accused of violence so there's no need for them go say NAMALT.

And don't call women upset about the timing of this thread in relation to a rape and murder 'hysterical' because it really showcases your internalised misogyny.

Ell17 · 30/09/2021 19:42

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Men need to sort this the fuck out, not women, MEN.

I don't know of one fucking man I know personally who hasnt turned out to be a shit in some way, not fucking one.

Even if it's just laughing at rape jokes, or leaving his partner to do all the life work, or housework, or childcare.

NOT. FUCKING. ONE.

One of the supposedly "best fathers ever!" is into prostitutes, his wife has no fucking idea, he's the head of his church ffs.

I only know cos of the bar work I was doing at the time.

My ex used to literally turn his head and stare at girls who were clearly younger than his daughters until I pointed out how sick that was.

It's the constant drip drip of it.

Bet the wife of the ice cream man didn't think he was going round making creepy comments to fucking 9 year olds, but he was.

THIS 👏🏻👏🏻
LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 19:43

@Katyppp

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms. But no matter
Why, so you can add another NAMALT to the thread?

My sons are massive and tall and do look scary.

I totally understand women being scared of them, and, yes, if they spoke or behaved in a disrespectful way they fully deserve to be called out on that behaviour either to their faces or behind their backs, so you can take your 'idle wondering' elsewhere.

Ell17 · 30/09/2021 19:45

@Katyppp

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms. But no matter
You've clearly got more to say? And not "idly" either...
Theunamedcat · 30/09/2021 19:45

@Katyppp

Just idly wondering if you would be happy to have your sons spoken about in such terms. But no matter
Seriously you bait people like this you should be ashamed we are discussing the reality of a situation that has happened and your poking sticks at people in your superior manner IF you read the thread you will notice people agreeing NAMALT but telling op and others on repeat that today is NOT the day for cramming it down peoples throat
FourTeaFallOut · 30/09/2021 19:46

If my sons grew up and jovially nicknamed their friends 'the rapist', sat passively around when men dehumanised women, watched violent porn and turned a blind eye to the violence meated out by men on a daily basis because it gave them hurt feelings then they too will have failed to be decent humans too.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/09/2021 19:46

@Katyppp

Amid all the hysterical posturing, I have to ask: Do any of you have sons?
Yes.
Puffalicious · 30/09/2021 19:48

@Ninjawannabe

CoalCraft how tiny a minority of men do you think are bad?

Given the stats on how many women are sexually harassed and worse, do you think it's just a few very busy men, or do you think perhaps it's more men than you'd like to think?

I read some research on% of men who are rapists a couple of years ago and attack stats and self-reporting both concluded it was about 6% of men who have raped someone.
That's about 1 in 15

Not so tiny a minority eh?

And that's rape, not lower level harassment.

And to PP who claims to have never met a bad man. Really? Unless you've only ever known 15 men then chances are you're wrong and have met a rapist, quite possibly been good friends with at least one

Terrible stats. Awful.

It was me who said I'd never met a bad man- phrased incorrectly, I've never had a relationship with a shit/ cheater/ dickhead/ abuser. 4 ltr and 2 DHs. I regard myself as lucky. I completely agree I'll have met a rapist, I work with lots of men, I've just been lucky enough not to have dated them.

OPS intentions were good, just perhaps not today. Just because people say there are good men in the world doesn't mean that those good men's feelings about violence trump our disgust at women at the hands of violent men: you can acknowledge the first without negating the latter.

WoodburnersRUs · 30/09/2021 19:50

Poor Mrs Couzens. But I don’t believe that in retrospect she didn’t know. She may not have thought “my police officer husband is going to arrest, rape and murder a woman of an evening” but I feel quite when she heard what had happened she had a horrified, flash of “that doesn’t surprise me” or a feeling that that was what he had been building up to. An explanation of his behaviour prior to the events.

Of COURSE she says she had no inkling because what will the reaction be to her if she says otherwise? You should have left him! How could you! You never stopped him! This is YOUR fault!

But I don’t believe she was completely blindsided. She didn’t know he would do THAT. But when she was told he did it, some things fell in to place. And she hated herself for it. She was just relieved he was out that night instead of creating an unbearably toxic frightening atmosphere at home.

Supposition. But I guess I’m right.