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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there are some decent men

717 replies

Poppyscone · 30/09/2021 15:31

I know there are many threads about how shit men are. It may be a shit partner not helping, abused by a stranger, sexism etc etc etc.

But to say some men are decent. My DH said this morning re the policemen just sentenced “we men are mostly basically shit aren’t we”
I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

I have epilepsy and DH had always had my back and supported me. Done more then his fare share with kids including most night feeds as well as working full time which I can do. Letting me sleep and recover after a seizure and taking charge without complaining.

He always make me feel good about myself, never pesters for sex and is a good dad.

Yep sure he had his faults he is a bit disorganised and he seems to think dirty clothes belong on the bedroom floor (but does pick them up when asked)
He snores like a machine gun and I have to wear earplug but on the whole he is a decent bloke and I am sure there are many more out there. I would just like to here about them

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Brefugee · 30/09/2021 16:32

Disclaimer I fully believe DH would of gone along with it before he met me and started to understand they misogyny directed at women.

yep, have experienced - quite a long time ago now - my DH calling out some "friends". He has grown and learned so much and it's brilliant. Have seen him step between a young woman going home on a train being leered at and catcalled by drunk football fans (of the team we support) and make sure she got to her destination without more problems. This is what we need. Men to step up.

MissConductUS · 30/09/2021 16:33

If his snoring is that bad, he should be evaluated for sleep apnea. It's a serious condition.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/09/2021 16:34

I'm sure Couzen's wife thought he was a good man too.
What an mind blowing shock for his family.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 30/09/2021 16:40

If you read the news report WC wife and her sister said he was a decent husband and father, so they obviously thought the same.

powershowerforanhour · 30/09/2021 16:41

I told him he was one of the good ones and the good ones need to carry on trying to challenging these men who basically hate women
My DH had challenged many men over their behaviour towards women including dropping friendships.

OP did say this so it does sound like her DH is trying to be part of the solution, not just "not part of the problem". Dropping a frendship is quite a big deal, so good for him .

dworky · 30/09/2021 16:53

Why do you even feel the need to qualify that, though?

If you're feeling sorry for them because the extent of male violence is presently undeniable, then yabu. All men benefit from women's fear and unless they are actively involved in fighting to change it, they don't deserve or need our praise.

Feelingoktoday · 30/09/2021 17:06

@LukeEvansWife

Everyone thinks their husbands/sons/brothers are the "good ones". Clearly some people are wrong.
Exactly.
Feelingoktoday · 30/09/2021 17:09

“unless they are actively involved in fighting to change it, they don't deserve or need our praise.”

My partner is a good one. He still would never challenge a mate for sexist behaviour. He would not say to a friend “that joke is inappropriate”. He is not going on Protests for women’s rights.

Feelingoktoday · 30/09/2021 17:11

@WormYourHonour

The thing is..

Imagine a table of 10 men in the local pub. 9 of them, chatting, laughing amongst themselves and generally just enjoying their time. 1 of them though is eyeing up the barmaid, telling the others he wants to shag her, scoring other women out of 10, talking about other guys in the pub and whether he could beat them up, generally being an ass.

If those 9 decent guys ignore the 1 jackass... That makes those 9 guys also jackasses because they're condoning it, ignoring it, even enabling shitty behaviour.

Now how many wonderful husband's of Mumsnet users know a fucking dick head but still call that dick head a friend? Lowers them in my opinion.

(I hope that makes any sense.. I know what it is I mean but struggle with wording it.)

This! I know my partner would be one of the 9. My father would have been one of the 9.
purpleboy · 30/09/2021 17:13

@Feelingoktoday

“unless they are actively involved in fighting to change it, they don't deserve or need our praise.”

My partner is a good one. He still would never challenge a mate for sexist behaviour. He would not say to a friend “that joke is inappropriate”. He is not going on Protests for women’s rights.

Then he isn't truly a good one, he is one that allows and enables sexism and misogyny in society. Until all men start tackling low level sexism and misogyny especially amongst their friends then this problem is going no where.
immersivereader · 30/09/2021 17:17

All men have mothers....what are we as mothers doing to make sure our boys grow into decent men?

^

Er, say what?

IfImLyingImDying · 30/09/2021 17:17

I need the following as a template.

97% of all women between the ages of 18 and 24 have been sexually harassed assaulted and/or abused in some way. (Add to this the women outside that age range)

2 women a week are killed by a man they know. (Add to this the women that are killed by strangers)

It’s an awful lot of men isn’t it OP? And it’s ALWAYS men.

JSL52 · 30/09/2021 17:18

Not a good time to start this thread.

immersivereader · 30/09/2021 17:18

This! I know my partner would be one of the 9. My father would have been one of the 9.

^

Statistically they can't both be. So pick one. Which?

Dutch1e · 30/09/2021 17:19

Your DH is right...as a social class men are basically shit. It's very fucking telling that you galumphed in to his emotional rescue rather than simply saying "yup, what's your plan to change it?"

noodlezoodle · 30/09/2021 17:20

Read the room OP. This is NOT THE TIME.

Laiste · 30/09/2021 17:20

@DontWantTheRivalry

Does anyone find it weird when women justify or try and explain what makes their partner a “good man”.

“He does his fair share of the housework, he looks after me when I’m ill, he is great with the children, he cooks” etc etc

So he’s just being a normal person then?!

Agreed.

And with the posts like that the sentence i always hear in my head at the end is

''and he never hits me or the kids!''

as if in some twisted way it's something he's supposed to be congratulated for Hmm

Ninjawannabe · 30/09/2021 17:20

CoalCraft how tiny a minority of men do you think are bad?

Given the stats on how many women are sexually harassed and worse, do you think it's just a few very busy men, or do you think perhaps it's more men than you'd like to think?

I read some research on% of men who are rapists a couple of years ago and attack stats and self-reporting both concluded it was about 6% of men who have raped someone.
That's about 1 in 15

Not so tiny a minority eh?

And that's rape, not lower level harassment.

And to PP who claims to have never met a bad man. Really? Unless you've only ever known 15 men then chances are you're wrong and have met a rapist, quite possibly been good friends with at least one

Thefirsttime · 30/09/2021 17:20

@DismantledKing

This isn’t really the time for NAMALT
Indeed.
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/09/2021 17:21

I think they are all shits but hey ho!

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 17:21

My partner is a good one. He still would never challenge a mate for sexist behaviour. He would not say to a friend “that joke is inappropriate”.

He’s not a good one then is he. He’s just not as bad as some others and is part of the problem. Raise the fucking bar.

Laiste · 30/09/2021 17:21

RIP Sarah Flowers

Thefirsttime · 30/09/2021 17:24

@Mumoblue

Why do so many people care more that male violence towards women makes “decent men” sad? They should be sad! It makes me fucking sad too! Let’s all sit here and be sad and angry together and fix the problem instead of repeating NAMALT again and again.
well said. Some people seem more angry that the male violence towards women makes “decent men” sad than they are about the male violence about women. Talk about having your priorities wrong. If people want to be sad and angry it should be about the male violence directed at women.
LaMontser · 30/09/2021 17:25

Why is there always such a rush to placate men after one of them does something hideous? Can we just not make this about men? Can we just make it about the women for a little while?
Today I have seen and heard policemen have tantrums because “not all police”; politicians who can’t even define a woman hand wring about violence towards us; general men giving it NAMALT; and now women.

Just stop. Let women have a moment.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 30/09/2021 17:27

This thread needs to go.

Male violence is relentless. Worse than terrorism. Worse than the pandemic. It's the constant latent threat that the female population of the world face from men. And all men are part of that.