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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
gannett · 30/09/2021 22:31

Yes I agree it'd be reasonable to ask for a cake/for Happy Birthday to be sung to both of them. I can't imagine anyone would say no but OP hasn't said she'd started discussing this with the MIL yet. Exactly how her son gets acknowledged depends a bit on what the hostess plans the vibe of the party to be.

I wouldn't worry about the 9yo getting ignored at all though. Most guests will wish him happy birthday and make a fuss of him when they find out, there may even be some last-minute cash gifts. Even in the worst case scenario of the MIL refusing to include him officially - if he's had his big party the day before he's unlikely to feel too left out.

Samuraisammy · 30/09/2021 22:31

@Standrewsschool

With everything that has gone on, maybe mil is using her son’s 30th birthday as the perfect excuse to have a family getogether.
this
Lockdownbear · 30/09/2021 22:34

Yes I'd expect a cake for him and his birthday presents from Uncle and Gran although the main focus is on Uncle.
I would have a quiet word with granny just to check the cake situation.

I'd do the boy's cake first then the Uncles.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/09/2021 22:36

This thread is utterly bizarre. Why on earth would a 9 year old want their birthday on a different day for the sake of a 30 year old man?

What normal 30 year old man would not be embarrassed to hell stealing the limelight from a kid?

What planet are some of you living on? Hmm

Back in the real world op please prioritise your child as any normal parent would. Don't give mil the time of day.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 22:38

What normal 30 year old man would not be embarrassed to hell stealing the limelight from a kid?

He's stealing the limelight by dint of having being born 21 years to the day prior to the child?

Bizarre is right.

gannett · 30/09/2021 22:43

Back in the real world op please prioritise your child as any normal parent would. Don't give mil the time of day.

Let me get this straight, your advice to the OP is to snub her MIL and prevent her husband from going to his brother's already-arranged celebrations?

Perhaps your world is not the real world?

Kite22 · 30/09/2021 23:06

YABVU.

Your ds can have his own celebration / friends / party / day out whatever you want on the Saturday, and see all his extended family for another party / gathering on the Sunday.
So an extended weekend of celebrations rather than a single day.
Can't understand why you would want him to miss out on seeing his Grandparents, Aunts Uncles etc to do what you can do on the previous day and have the extended family gathering as well Confused

Samuraisammy · 30/09/2021 23:12

@gannett

100%.
Difference being they are grown adults and therefore would understand why a child’s birthday is a big deal to them?

I’d second the other poster who said to ignore those that are banging on about the 30 year old birthday being most important shudder.
This thread must be full of darling mother in laws or those with an outlandish budget who really go to town on celebrations. Most likely of the children are resilient brigade.

karazeb · 30/09/2021 23:14

YANBU
While the 30th celebration in itself is hardly unreasonable (although personally I've never really seen the need for adult birthday parties), you seem to be feeling that your son's birthday has been completely overlooked in the planning of that event. TBH I don't really blame you for that. I think it would be pretty lousy for your MIL to organise that party without doing something to acknowledge that it's your little boy's special day too and to make him feel included. If you do attend the 30th, I would definitely try to fit something in on the same day specifically for your son's birthday. It is his birthday after all.

Kite22 · 30/09/2021 23:24

@Standrewsschool

With everything that has gone on, maybe mil is using her son’s 30th birthday as the perfect excuse to have a family getogether.
Exactly.

The birthday is just a 'hook' to hang the gathering on. The fact someone turns 30 (or any other age) isn;t important in itself, but, in many (most?) families, it is good to get together every once in a while, and that has been restricted for everyone for 18months, so how nice to have a gathering when extended family can get togehter.

Lockdownbear · 30/09/2021 23:43

Yip and if she'd said it was a joint party that would have caused a whoo haaa too what about Ops family DS has two families. Sunday afternoon is a good day for a family gathering.

Op go enjoy just make sure there is a cake for LO.

theleafandnotthetree · 30/09/2021 23:56

@Ishouldbeworkinginstead

YABU. I share the same birthday as one of my own children. I am still a person and deserve to celebrate my birthday too. Generally we do family stuff in the day and DH and I will go out in the evening.

It's good to show your kids the world doesn't revolve around them.

Oh thank God, some common sense! I'm with you.
theleafandnotthetree · 30/09/2021 23:58

@rookiemere

It would be good if the OP came back.

If MIL wants uncles 30th to be main focus of the occasion but there can be birthday cake and mention of DSs birthday then that's fine IMHO.

No mention and pretending that it's not a 9 year olds actual birthday is pretty poor and not something I'd subject my DC to tbh.

'Not something you would subject your child to'....a little hyperbolic don't you think? It's hardly becoming a child soldier or sewing footballs instead of going to school.
Samuraisammy · 01/10/2021 00:38

@Ishouldbeworkinginstead but that’s with your own child. Massive difference there op.

Samuraisammy · 01/10/2021 00:42

Like I say if it was my 30th I absolutely would wonder why my young niece had turned up when she could be out having her own party/plans. This is getting ridiculous. I wouldn’t hold it against my sibling.
You know, we could shock horror, do a separate thing together because their daughter takes priority???

Happy 9th birthday! Now let’s go round to uncle Carl’s to wish him a happy birthday and spend time with him!!?????????
Yea. Weirdos

theleafandnotthetree · 01/10/2021 00:46

[quote Samuraisammy]@Ishouldbeworkinginstead but that’s with your own child. Massive difference there op.[/quote]
Well not really as it is a close family member with a roundy birthday.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2021 00:50

Yabu. Your ds will want a party with his friends not a load of adults. He can do that another day.,

bellabasset · 01/10/2021 03:18

I'd have my ds party celebration for his friends on the Saturday. But I would tell MIL that as it's a shared birthday for ds and bil I'd be bringing a cake along for ds. If I'd got a 9th birthday helium ballon I'd take that as well.

I'd explain to ds that he'd get his presents at his celebration on Sat. If ds was my gs I'd include him by getting a cake and giving him his present on that day.

Original poster
Headsup101 · 01/10/2021 13:12

@Samuraisammy

Like I say if it was my 30th I absolutely would wonder why my young niece had turned up when she could be out having her own party/plans. This is getting ridiculous. I wouldn’t hold it against my sibling. You know, we could shock horror, do a separate thing together because their daughter takes priority???

Happy 9th birthday! Now let’s go round to uncle Carl’s to wish him a happy birthday and spend time with him!!?????????
Yea. Weirdos

This is exactly how I ended up thinking about it. If I had had a party for my 30th, and I shared my birthday with my nine year old niece, I would absolutely not have expected her to be dragged 45 minutes to celebrate with me. I wouldn’t have put that expectation on my sister. I spoke with DH about this last night. He had (not surprisingly) not even thought about it but was completely in agreement with me and said he would not have wanted that when he was 9.
OP posts:
Mirw · 01/10/2021 17:31

Hold the party for your boy. His uncle should be the adult and come to your ls on his way to his mam's to wish his nephew a Happy Birthday. Anything less, your BIL is an a*.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/10/2021 17:34

I think you are being U.
I’ll bet your son will love it much more that staying at home.

StargazerAli · 01/10/2021 17:48

Do you really think your son would be upset if he didn't get presents and your brother did? I'd be upset if my children were so precious to behave in such a way.

Your brother's birthday is a milestone and your son can have his 9th birthday on another day. Birthday celebrations have to get moved all the time for various reasons and most children I know don't care as long as they get to celebrate at some point. He can still have a cake and gift on his birthday after all.

DaisyBooToo · 01/10/2021 18:03

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

I think you’re being a bit U, sorry.

Can you not do both? What does your son feel about it? Or does his birthday matter more to you?

Of course her sons birthday means more to her than her brother in laws!
Gotthatvibe · 01/10/2021 18:10

So many nasty gits on this forum who love throwing around YABU. I really wish MN would patrol these boards better, they turn into unprovoked assassinations.

We don't know your family dynamics, the brother, your MIL, we don't know any of you even from the small glimmers you give us into their personalities, we still don't know what they're really like.

Me? I'd ask your boy. What would he rather do? And then if MIL, Uncle 30th ir anyone else wants to take offence, that's their bloody problem. But I'd still expect a little cake etc for your boy and I'd take one myself. Or I'd stay for an hour and then celebrate your boy's birthday the rest of the day.

Let us know how you get on ❤

Samuraisammy · 01/10/2021 18:10

@StargazerAli
Milestone? The last birthday before her little boy turns into an age with two digits, is a milestone. Stop guilting them. I’m sure the Uncle is understanding enough to not throw his cake at the wall and wonder where his nephew is!!!! And if MIL tries to. Well actions speak louder than words.

@Headsup101 That’s great, I’m glad you and your OH have explored all options. (And not let these little milestones divas have their way) Have a lovely day x

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