Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 19:58

@LukeEvansWife

Seriously, this place can be so hysterical.

'Hysterical?' It would appear that it's misogynistic too

It can be many things, sweet cheeks.
NigellaSeed · 30/09/2021 20:14

YANBU
your BIL is a big boy, he will understand it's not just his birthday. You can pop him a card the day before or after. Celebrate your sons birthday however you see fit.

Pottedpalm · 30/09/2021 20:18

@Beautiful3

I don't think it's a nice feeling for a child to share their birthday with another person. Your sons birthday should be about him. I'd plan stuff he wants to do and book it. I wouldn't go to bils birthday party. I'd.post a card though.
Hmmm, shame for my twins then!
Hakunapotato · 30/09/2021 20:36

YABU.

limitedperiodonly · 30/09/2021 20:56

You're all fucking weird. When I was 30 I would not have wanted my mum to throw a birthday party for me. I didn't even want one at 18 or 21. I wanted to go out with my friends. Birthday parties are for children or 90-year-olds who are too weak to resist.

Original poster
Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 20:58

Wow, blown away by the amount of replies. I feel some are quite judgemental but really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment.

To clarify, it is not just a lunch. More a ‘come to MIL’s house at 12 stay until 5/6’. She lives 45 minutes away, so it’s not just down the road. She is the kind of MIL who arranged to go on holiday on her only granddaughter’s 1st birthday (if that makes me sound precious, so be it Confused).

I have no problem with moving DS’s celebration to a different day, it is the fact that he has not been mentioned as part of the celebration that really bothers me. Also the birthday is a Sunday, surely BIL’s party would be better on a Saturday so people can enjoy themselves?

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 30/09/2021 21:02

BIL possibly wants to see friends on the Saturday and I'd do your own sons birthday on Saturday too whatever you plan for him.

I have one with a very inconvenient birthday and another who shares with Gran. So both get birthdays celebrated on most convient days.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 21:07

@limitedperiodonly

You're all fucking weird. When I was 30 I would not have wanted my mum to throw a birthday party for me. I didn't even want one at 18 or 21. I wanted to go out with my friends. Birthday parties are for children or 90-year-olds who are too weak to resist.
It's a family lunch out. Some people do this when there's no occasion to celebrate, even. Hardly makes them weirdos? Depends on what your family are like, I suppose. Some people just aren't very close to theirs.
Volhhg · 30/09/2021 21:11

YANBU. I couldn't give a toss about my birthday after 25 but at 9 it was everything I looked forward to.

WeeWelshWoman · 30/09/2021 21:11

YANBU. Birthdays are a bigger deal to a 9-year-old than a 30-year-old.

Though if there's scope to do both, that would be ideal.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 21:14

Tbf the first birthday thing does make you sound a bit precious - a one year old does not know
It's their birthday!

You are putting your DH in a shit position if you are going to kick off but on the plus side, they probably won't invite you again anyway!

Notonthestairs · 30/09/2021 21:17

Ok - your update makes a lot of sense. No a 9 year old isn't going to want to spend that amount of time at Granny's celebrating Uncles birthday. Weird that she hasn't mentioned him at all.

I do think you need to let go of the first birthday for her only granddaughter. The sex doesn't matter and first birthdays are for the parents - so maybe she subbed you but not her grandchild.

All a bit awkward for your husband though..

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 21:21

Why can't you just go for a couple of hours? That leaves the rest of the day to concentrate on your son.

Samuraisammy · 30/09/2021 21:37

YANBU
Think of it from the 30 year olds point of view. If you were turning 30, would you be bothered if your 9 year old nephew or niece turned up for your birthday or would you want them to do what’s best for them?
It’s been a long time since I was 30, but if my niece was turning 9, I certainly wouldn’t be grudge her of her birthday and I would understand her parents not attending either,
Honestly really daft that there’s so many posters saying to just suck it up. Yes 9 is older, but a child is still a child, and a birthday is massive to a kid, and so it should be especially during these trying times.

Samuraisammy · 30/09/2021 21:43

Also I think if you are made to feel in anyway bad about not going, it’s simply putting your MIL first or the fear of rocking the boat. This is leading to a child thinking their feelings are secondary to an adults, and that’s not a good place to start for a child’s emotional well-being.

RolloTomassi · 30/09/2021 21:45

If this were my family YABU. 30 is a big one and there's a gathering, attending it doesn't mean ignoring your son's birthday. Personally I'd go but for a shorter duration. But my relatives could all be relied upon to fuss DS and bring his gifts. Sounds like the dynamic with your in-laws isn't so nice.

gannett · 30/09/2021 21:46

@NigellaSeed

YANBU your BIL is a big boy, he will understand it's not just his birthday. You can pop him a card the day before or after. Celebrate your sons birthday however you see fit.
It's not about the BIL's feelings, OP hasn't said whether he'd mind or not. The person put in a difficult position is OP's husband who would be asked to miss his own brother's celebrations.

Luckily there is a simple way around this which enables celebrations for both son and BIL. Have the 9yo's birthday the day before and make it special (no one has once suggested it shouldn't be celebrated). Then go to BIL's party the next day.

Lockdownbear · 30/09/2021 21:49

Op will there be other kids there? Is granny using the birthday an excuse to get the family together?
I'm sure she will remember to get an extra cake for your DS. If they don't mention it I would at least ask the family sing happy birthday to the kid. I've been at a wedding that clashed with a LOs birthday and sang Happy Birthday, just so the kid wasn't completely forgotten .

rookiemere · 30/09/2021 21:59

Some of these suggestions are bizarre.

Why on earth would a 9 year old have their birthday a day early so as not to trump that of a 30 year old man ? Any normal family would want to acknowledge both even if the 30 year old is taking priority.

Have you asked if you can bring a cake OP?

Lockdownbear · 30/09/2021 22:10

I would do something just for the 9yo whatever he wants, party with his pals or trip to pictures.

That way you can fit both birthdays into the weekend.
Why would you snub one birthday over the other? Remember it's the child's Dads brother both close family.

gannett · 30/09/2021 22:13

@rookiemere

Some of these suggestions are bizarre.

Why on earth would a 9 year old have their birthday a day early so as not to trump that of a 30 year old man ? Any normal family would want to acknowledge both even if the 30 year old is taking priority.

Have you asked if you can bring a cake OP?

No, this post is bizarre. It's not about trumping the 30yo. It's about giving the 9yo the special day most posters agree he should have (presumably this involves having his friends over and having the kind of treats 9yos enjoy), and allowing him to be the centre of attention for a whole day. It's just a day earlier.

The reason it would be a day earlier is because the 30yo's party has already been arranged. It's not negotiable. OP can either huff and refuse to go to it (putting her husband in a bad position) or she can celebrate her son's birthday the day before. The latter option means that literally no one has to miss out on anything.

rookiemere · 30/09/2021 22:21

Ok yes I agree it makes sense for the DS to have his party the day before, but I'd still expect his actual birthday to be acknowledged on the day. Uncle still main focus, but a cake with candles and some gifts. Surely most families would want to do this ?

Standrewsschool · 30/09/2021 22:27

With everything that has gone on, maybe mil is using her son’s 30th birthday as the perfect excuse to have a family getogether.

Standrewsschool · 30/09/2021 22:27

Just a thought, could you host bill’s 30th, and make it a combined event?

Samuraisammy · 30/09/2021 22:30

Doing a birthday day the day before the child’s actual birthday doesn’t recognise how the child will actually feel when actually present at the 30 yr olds party with everyone making a fuss over said 30 year old. Honestly who gives this much of a sh!t over their 30th, think we both just did a day of shopping and had a nice lunch/pub on mine and OH 30th.
This is completely self motivated by the MIL. End of.