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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 01/10/2021 20:31

My brother's birthday is the day after mine, my mum went into labour during my second birthday party. So I've pretty much always shared my birthday celebration, it's fine! Just do your son's birthday party on the Saturday which should be more usual anyway.

Arieliwish · 01/10/2021 21:32

I don’t see why you can’t celebrate for most of the day and then go to MILs for a couple of hours. A 45 minute drive really isn’t that far for a couple of hours. We have family and friends who move all over and 45 minutes is a standard journey for us. If we didn’t make the effort we would never see them.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/10/2021 21:35

I’d do what my child wanted for their birthday but then I’ve never understood events for adult birthdays bar 18/21.

Bleachmycloths · 01/10/2021 21:35

Do both. Have a celebration with your son beforehand then say how exciting it is because later you will all be having a second celebration for his uncle.

theleafandnotthetree · 01/10/2021 21:41

[quote Samuraisammy]@theleafandnotthetree

Not gonna lie but I’m getting Miss Trunchbull vibes from you! 😆[/quote]
You might be right! I am according to my children 'best mommy ever' but I can have my Trunchbullian moments 😁.

SleepQuest33 · 01/10/2021 22:04

I don’t understand what the big fuss is about turning 30,40,50!!! But I imagine MIL wants to get all the family together
I think it’s important to take part in family events
Personally I would celebrate your son’s birthday separately then go to BIL’s party and make sure everyone knows it’s your son’s birthday as well, I bet they make a big fuss of him and he’ll have a memorable day!!

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/10/2021 22:54

@gannett

I never even mentioned the husband so please dont misquote me to fit your opinion.

Happylivingonmyown · 01/10/2021 23:43

I think you're really lucky there's 9 (not 10) years between them. They're going to share a birthday but not special birthdays:-)

Mamanyt · 02/10/2021 00:27

He's nine. So long as he gets a proper celebration, he won't much care if it is a day before, or a day after. They're more interested in the cake and presents than the actual date at that age. And he is old enough to understand, if you explain it to him, that 30 is a big deal to adults, and that he'll get a very special party when he's 15 (or 16, or 13...whatever seems appropriate).

pollymere · 02/10/2021 11:09

I'd make it part of the conversation before the day. "As it's DS birthday, we're not going to come all day as he's going to the cinema/bowling/paintballing/laser questing with his friends later that day". Make sure they know it's also DS birthday. Don't hijack BIL birthday lunch just make it part of your son's day. Why on earth your MIL didn't also want to celebrate her grandson's birthday is a mystery but at least DS will get to see extended family. Just make sure his evening/late afternoon is extra-special. And remember that he probably won't even go to BIL's 40th! 😂

TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 02/10/2021 11:14

I would be tempted to say to MIL, “brilliant! DS will be so pleased that MIL is throwing a birthday event for DUncle and him!” And make sure she includes that in the invitations. And maybe say, “I know everyone will feel they have to buy DS a birthday present, but honestly a card will be enough” so that no one is put out feeling they have to buy gifts for a child they maybe don’t really know (and so you don’t get lumbered with a load of useless, age-inappropriate tat tbh)... Then morning of birthday at home, just about him, lunch etc with family, separate children only birthday party day before.

TidyDancer · 02/10/2021 11:49

Can you clarify what you mean by your DS being overlooked and your MIL not making a huge fuss? Those things can mean very different things to different people. As you've seen on this thread, some posters have taken it so extremely that they've pretty much invented details and certainly exaggerated others.

Your posts very much read as though you are looking for reasons not to go, which is fine (well, sort of) but be upfront about it. I couldn't see any real reason not to go if it was me, but it does depend on how your DS would actually be treated.

Bard6817 · 02/10/2021 16:14

Honestly, i don’t some people understand the question.

Everyone’s getting together for a birthday party and someone else who has been invited, has their birthday on the same day, it won’t be celebrated in the same way by everyone going. It’s not a joint birthday party.

I’d not go. It’s not precious, if i was the other party, whose birthday was being ignored, it would probably make me suicidal and that nobody cared about me. How awfull. There no way you can take anyone, never mind a child to it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/10/2021 16:25

@Bard6817

Honestly, i don’t some people understand the question.

Everyone’s getting together for a birthday party and someone else who has been invited, has their birthday on the same day, it won’t be celebrated in the same way by everyone going. It’s not a joint birthday party.

I’d not go. It’s not precious, if i was the other party, whose birthday was being ignored, it would probably make me suicidal and that nobody cared about me. How awfull. There no way you can take anyone, never mind a child to it.

Well, that's a very extreme over reaction.
SalsaLove · 02/10/2021 16:27

I think a child’s birthday is more important than an adults birthday.

Hattie765 · 02/10/2021 16:31

agree with you actually, your son should be able to rely on his mum to make his birthday special for him. Just like your MIL is doing for her son. You all not being there wouldn't make any difference I'm sure, who wants kids at their 30th. Your husband can always pop over for an hour, 45 mins isn't that far x

Standrewsschool · 02/10/2021 16:45

The op asks about celebrating ‘instead’ of... . However, op can do both, as many people have pointed out. It’s not an either/or situation.

If mil’s meal is at lunch, celebrate before and after. If if later, then celebrate morning and lunch.

Housewife2010 · 02/10/2021 16:46

I don't think a 30th is a special birthday - it's not a 21st or 40th.

Roxy69 · 02/10/2021 16:56

YABU you can do both.

disconnected101 · 02/10/2021 17:07

Reading your updates you - & subsequently your husband - have come to the right conclusion, that celebrating your son's birthday is the priority.
No way would I not celebrate my son's birthday at that age. Birthdays are important to wee kids.

LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 17:08

@Housewife2010

I don't think a 30th is a special birthday - it's not a 21st or 40th.
No but OP's child was born on BIL's 21st so perhaps they weren't able to have a party then and are doing so now.
LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 17:10

The child is going to have every other birthday to himself but I don't think MIL is doing anything wrong wanting to get the family together. Go or don't go, it's up to you, but then you can't complain that your MIL is not very involved

SallyWD · 02/10/2021 17:15

Honestly? Your BIL'S 30th is a one off. I'd celebrate with him that day and then celebrate your son's birthday the next day (or whatever day is most convenient). My daughter is the same age as your son and we have often celebrated her birthday a few days before or after depending on what else is happening. It's always her idea to change the date of her celebration. I'm sure you son would be happy to have a family party or party with friends on a different day.

LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 17:17

And a nine year old is plenty old enough to understand that you have his party or whatever the day before, and on the day itself it's breakfast presents, a couple of hours at the party and then back home when you can concentrate every second of your attention on him

Askinvillarblues · 02/10/2021 17:27

So many over the top responses! How about the adults involved use their words and y’know, actually talk to each other. All this ‘MIL didn’t mention that it was my son’s birthday when she invited us’ angst - why on earth did no one say at that point ‘oh, it’s X’s 9th birthday that day too remember, can we do a cake or something for him at the party too?’ And presumably if it’s relatives who are coming, they would know already that it’s his birthday? Could OP ask MIL/BIL to remind them if she can’t do so herself? And I have twins so they are destined to share a birthday for evermore- they can cope perfectly well with that and even, shock horror, manage to have their main celebrations on a different day as their birthday falls on an awkward date that no one is ever available for. So much angst when just having a quick conversation with MIL or BIL could easily sort it out.