AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

[Headsup101]

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

Difficult one. Could you go for the lunch and then have meal for DS later. Give DS presents in the morning and evening. Chances are DS will be less bothered than you.

Just as an aside, my friend got married on her niece's birthday recently and had a birthday cake made for her too which sat next to the wedding cake and everyone sang Happy Birthday to her.

@anormalperson

Depends how close you are as a family I think. If it was my family I'd just make my apologies and celebrate my kid's birthday. Especially if there was a chance of them being overlooked. But we're not that close at all

Exactly. Just apologise and state that you have already booked and paid for DS's party as it is his birthday as well. My birthday is the day after my FIL's and none of my in laws remember it. This year I was 45 and told it wasn't a big birthday but his 85th was. I wasn't even invited to the party they had for him. Just do what you need to be be prepared that you DH will probably be torn and want to go to his brothers party.

YANBU surely the 30th is more of a p*ss up and not particularly suitable for a 9 year old on his birthday. I would most certainly be making more effort for my son x

I agree with Auroreforet since when did 30 become a big birthday?? My child is my priority sorry!

YABU you can do both

Don't think it's your call anyway. It's your husbands - it's his brother and I would a solitary go to my sisters 30th and for the 9 year old around that. Most 9 year olds don't have the party on their actual birthday anyway

A 30th is a big birthday. You can do both. Surely ? Yabu

I would say, oh sorry we cannot make it, we are having a birthday party for ds. All his class mates are coming, so we cannot cancel.
Then have the party you want at home, Its a white lie, but if you say its organised and you will loose your deposit. It sounds rotten, but it's better than your son getting overlooked and putting up with drunk grown ups.

Don't think it's your call anyway. It's your husbands

It’s totally her call if she wants to not go and take her 9 year old to do something that he wants to do instead. Husband can do what he likes, it sounds like he agrees with OP though and is putting his child first, quite rightly.

@flippertyop I don’t think it matters if the 9 year old has his party on the same day or not I think it’s the fact that he shouldn’t have to be carted away from his ‘own birthday’ (read: the actual day, not party) to someone else’s, and nor should his parents. It’s like when people frantically rush about on Christmas Day when most kids just want to stay at home and play with their toys. Just another version of people pleasing for the grown ups as usual.

I would totally prioritise the 9yo over the 30th. I don’t think I have been to any big 30ths that were whole family affairs and certainly none that would have been a fun day for a 9yo. For me it’s the fact that your mil is hosting a party for her son and not a family get together for your bil and your 9yo. Would be different if bil was hosting I think.

You can celebrate the30th - bring a cake for your son and make a fuss of him in the morning and give your son a party the next day. You’re being a bit over the top.

Adults have had their childhood birthdays and it is not fair for an adult to rain on your son's parade. I would think your mil would have thought to make it very clearly a joint birthday with two cakes, two stacks of presents and your son's best friends attending too. Not sure how grandma can be so lacking in sensitivity. I know it is a bit different but me and my grandson share a birthday and I always tell my son to concentrate on his son and I see them a day or two later.

[quote Samuraisammy]@StargazerAli
Milestone? The last birthday before her little boy turns into an age with two digits, is a milestone. Stop guilting them. I’m sure the Uncle is understanding enough to not throw his cake at the wall and wonder where his nephew is!!!! And if MIL tries to. Well actions speak louder than words.

@Headsup101 That’s great, I’m glad you and your OH have explored all options. (And not let these little milestones divas have their way) Have a lovely day x[/quote]
'The last birthday before her little boy turns into an age with two digits'....A milestone? if I didn't know better I'd say this was satire. If we raise a generation of narcissists we will only have ourselves to blame.

Surely it’s only happening because it’s a 30th, it would be different if it happened every year but 30 is a bit more of a special birthday than 9 I’m afraid. Maybe suggest to your MIL that they have banners for both and something also a bit kid friendly at the party but I do think you are being a bit U to be that bothered by it

My son shares his birthday with my husbands aunt & uncle’s anniversary. When he was 4 he “missed out” on his birthday because we were invited to their 40th party. I was a bit gutted tbh but while we were there he was given some birthday cards and presents as well so wasn’t all bad.

I think we have a clear demarcation here between those who think any birthday ending in 0 is a big one, and those who don't. I haven't a clue what I did for my 30th, but I know that it was just another birthday. I'd have remembered if it had been a hoohah kind of day.

30 is a bit more of a special birthday than 9 I’m afraid - tell that to a kid who's 9 that day.

Tbh I don’t think there is anything special about a 30th birthday party. Once you’ve reached adulthood, it’s nice it do something but really it’s nothing special.

I think you need to take the long view there. There will many many more years when the two b’day parties will clash.
It seems that MIl and BIL see that particular birthday as important. Let them be. Do your ds party in the Saturday and then go all celebrating with BIL on the Sunday.

The fact MIL isn’t making a big fuss of her grandchildren and isn’t making an effort is a different issue altogether.
BIL is likely too think that his birthday and your ds birthday are two distinctive events. It so happens that he is doing his on that ‘special’ day. If it was like this EVERYyear, I would see better where you are coming from.

@Feedingthebirds1

I think we have a clear demarcation here between those who think any birthday ending in 0 is a big one, and those who don't. I haven't a clue what I did for my 30th, but I know that it was just another birthday. I'd have remembered if it had been a hoohah kind of day.

30 is a bit more of a special birthday than 9 I’m afraid - tell that to a kid who's 9 that day.

I would in fact tell that to a child who's 9 that day, at what point do they start learning that they are only one of many, that other people are also special and have celebrations. It's all such a fuss about nothing have the childs birthday with friends, activities etc on the Saturday, go the family gathering on the Sunday, maybe arrange with all to have a mini fuss made with a dessert with candles, etc, job done. This is a very easy 'problem' to solve

@theleafandnotthetree

Not gonna lie but I’m getting Miss Trunchbull vibes from you! 😆

I can't think of anything worse than being 30 and having my mum throw me a birthday party, let alone one in the afternoon. Is your BIL perhaps thinking of enduring some cake and balloons and then escaping for an adult do @Headsup101?

People argue for childfree weddings. I think weddings are family affairs and children and grannies should be invited but I wouldn't dream of imposing that on anyone else. If I had a child I would say I can't come but here is my present and have a lovely day.

Same with the birthday. No offence to your son but I'd hate to have a nine year old at my birthday party and he'd be bored too.

There was someone on here, she still is here actually, who thought her children were scintillating company at adult parties. It sounded like torture for the adults and children involved and I'd have started performance swearing just so the lazy cow had to do her own child minding.

Surely most children are at school on their birthday at least some of the time, so will have their party/celebration on another day. Throw him a party/day out with his friends , make the morning of the actual day about him then go to the uncle's party. I really don't see the issue. DS will be at nursery in his birthday this year, he is very much looking forward to it, so even though we are off work that week he will go. We'll do something with family one day at the weekend and take him out on another day as a birthday treat. You never know he might even get cards/presents from people he doesn't usually as they will be seeing him on his birthday