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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost all respect for my sister...?

172 replies

protonmail · 30/09/2021 09:45

My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
ShaneTheThird · 30/09/2021 09:48

This reply has been deleted

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ShaneTheThird · 30/09/2021 09:49

Honestly thought you were going to say she had done something awful not that she's been cheated on.

Loads of relationships survive after infidelity.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/09/2021 09:50

Just support her, she'll probably end up leaving eventually but people need to get to that point in their own time. Be angry with him but don't blame her.

TheWoleb · 30/09/2021 09:50

I wouldn't be standing up with them at their wedding.
It is her life and it is her choice, but we dont always have to support the choices of our family.

Standing up with someone at their wedding says you support the marriage, and you want to celebrate it with them. I couldn't celebrate this situation.

DrWhoNowww · 30/09/2021 09:51

YANBu to feel like that and also feel like you can’t support the marriage.

It would be a shame to lose the relationship with your sister over it though - she’s going to need you all again soon I would say!

How close to the wedding is it? Why on earth has she gone back to him? Are there children involved?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 09:51

He's hardly remorseful and she wants you to brush it under the carpet?

Yanbu and I would have a hard time fixing a grin to my face for the wedding. I think you'll probably have to go along with it though unfortunately.

Be there for her if her abusive dp doesn't change.

LaBellina · 30/09/2021 09:52

You have no idea what she’s going trough.
She’s not bringing any children into an abusive relationship, she’s only harming herself and deserves compassion and support, not judgement. Judging her will only isolate her more and feeling she has nobody to rely on when she needs support or decides eventually to leave the relationship.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 30/09/2021 09:52

I would be busy that day op... Your dsis may bare in mind from that day that he isn't a good guy. ..
Yanbu to have lost respect for someone who doesn't respect themselves...

Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 09:53

@DrWhoNowww

YANBu to feel like that and also feel like you can’t support the marriage.

It would be a shame to lose the relationship with your sister over it though - she’s going to need you all again soon I would say!

How close to the wedding is it? Why on earth has she gone back to him? Are there children involved?

The wedding is in December. There are no kids involved. She's going back because she 'loves him'. I just don't get it. For months as well she had suspicions and he would call her a psycho etc. I'm just livid and don't understand how she can forgive or expect everyone else to forgive and forget.
OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 09:54

You don't know everything about what is happening. Affairs are always wrong, but they are often reasons that lead to them and both parties can be at fault.

Ultimately, you can decide to have nothing to do with him. Your sister might it might not respect your decision.

CanofCant · 30/09/2021 09:55

Of course YANBU, I'd feel the same. In fact similar has happened but she didn't marry him thank God.

As hard as it is, if you want to keep communication open with her you will need to stay as neutral as possible. I completely understand how you feel, it's rubbish.

CouldWeStartAgainPlease · 30/09/2021 09:55

YABU

Staying together after infidelity can be just as courageous a choice as leaving, and can be the right thing for some couples. Ok maybe you and many others would have made a different choice but that's up to you. Your sister's decision is up to her.

Be disappointed in her partner by all means, but support her and be there for her.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2021 09:57

I think it depends on the exact nature of the “cheating”. On many MN threads simply texting another woman is “cheating”. Which to my mind is not cheating, and absolutely forgivable.

But at any rate doesn’t matter what you or I think, your sister was the one hurt by it and it is her decision whether to forgive and move on or not. You need to be less judgemental of her decision. It’s her life, not yours.

MakingM · 30/09/2021 09:57

YANBU.

I wouldn’t be nice to a man who’d cheated on my sister either, not even if she asked me too. He’ll do it again. No way. Absolutely not. Nope. Nada. Never going to happen. If she wants to pander to him, fine, but I wouldn’t. YANBU at all.

esloquehay · 30/09/2021 09:57

You're 'livid'?!
It'd be worthwhile exploring why you feel 'livid' and what this triggers in you.
Your response feels disproportionate and inappropriate for what has occured.

Itsbeen84yearss · 30/09/2021 09:58

I would be very clear with her. I love you and I will be here for you. You can call me, you can come over to my house. But I won’t support the relationship by socialising with him or being at the wedding.
Yanbu

TheWoleb · 30/09/2021 09:58

@CouldWeStartAgainPlease

YABU

Staying together after infidelity can be just as courageous a choice as leaving, and can be the right thing for some couples. Ok maybe you and many others would have made a different choice but that's up to you. Your sister's decision is up to her.

Be disappointed in her partner by all means, but support her and be there for her.

Like hell is it courageous to stay with a cheater. Its cowardice. Too scared to go into a new life so you'll put up with the worst kind of betrayal.
midsummabreak · 30/09/2021 09:58

I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with her decision. I also don’t blame you for not being happy with the pretence that her fiancé is not deceitful, straight out arsehole of a man.

Is there a compromise where you can distance yourself, but let your sister that you are always there for her if needed. She will need you when it inevitably falls apart.

Catflapkitkat · 30/09/2021 09:58

shanethethird. That's not fair, as the OP explains that she is disappointed in her sister's decision and her pretending that nothing has happened. She also says she is repulsed by the cheater boyfriend. That does not make her a bad sister.

OP I think you need to talk to your sister and tell her that you are so angry with her boyfriend and the way he has treated her. Perhaps she can convince you why she has given him a second chance. Under the circumstances, you can step down as bridesmaid and still go to wedding.

Good luck

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/09/2021 09:58

You need to support her. It's not her fault.

But in good conscience I don't think you should be a bridesmaid. I know I couldn't. He's going to do it again.

PlonkyWillyWonky · 30/09/2021 10:00

Just be there
They'll come a time she will be grateful for your support

CouldWeStartAgainPlease · 30/09/2021 10:00

Like hell is it courageous to stay with a cheater. Its cowardice. Too scared to go into a new life so you'll put up with the worst kind of betrayal

I totally disagree!

For some people it is right to leave, for others it is right to stay together and work through it. Both are incredibly hard options. I'm shocked you can't see that?!

midsummabreak · 30/09/2021 10:00

What you do with arseholes is you wipe them. Unfortunately your sister has failed to see his arsehole behaviour for what it is and is likely experiencing very low self esteem and blaming herself

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 10:01

@ShaneTheThird

Yabu what a horrid sister you sound. He cheats but you have lost all respect for her? The fact she knows how unsupportive you are she can't confide in you? Jeez I would hate you to be my sister.
God what a horrid post. I can’t even imagine what would possess anyone to even write that 😱

Op, It’s her choice, you just need to accept that sometimes some people’s relationships are beyond comprehension.

Suprima · 30/09/2021 10:01

I think the only way I could get through this is cornering him privately and telling him exactly what I and everyone else thinks of him. You are at their wedding for her, you are pretending everything is fine FOR HER. Not him. He’ll be loving that he’s landed on his feet, so I’d need to burst his bubble and let him know that everyone thinks he is a colossal prick.

This might give you a bit of an offload. If your sister kicks off when he tells her, I’d take that on the chin.

I do feel for you, what an absolute mug. I wouldn’t have any respect for her either. I could maybe sympathise if there were DC involved or it was a long marriage, but seeing as the relationship is young it’s only going to get worse.