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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost all respect for my sister...?

172 replies

protonmail · 30/09/2021 09:45

My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Toottooot · 30/09/2021 10:01

If that’s how you feel you must drop out of being a bridesmaid and even attending the wedding now.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 10:01

Your sister hasn't forgotten about it. She never will. But it's her decision and she'll need you if/when it all goes to pot again.

There are many, many, women on here who end up staying in shit relationships because they're trapped and have no family left to turn to. Don't let her become one of those women.

You don't have to like her decision but she needs her sister.

Suprima · 30/09/2021 10:02

@CouldWeStartAgainPlease

Like hell is it courageous to stay with a cheater. Its cowardice. Too scared to go into a new life so you'll put up with the worst kind of betrayal

I totally disagree!

For some people it is right to leave, for others it is right to stay together and work through it. Both are incredibly hard options. I'm shocked you can't see that?!

I’m shocked that you would have such little respect for yourself and other people if you think that staying with a philanderer could ever be courageous.
Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 10:02

@CouldWeStartAgainPlease

YABU

Staying together after infidelity can be just as courageous a choice as leaving, and can be the right thing for some couples. Ok maybe you and many others would have made a different choice but that's up to you. Your sister's decision is up to her.

Be disappointed in her partner by all means, but support her and be there for her.

It’s not courageous, don’t try to make it some form of heroic act. It might be many things from fear of going it alone to lack of independence but courageous it’s not.
GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 10:03

You don’t have to forgive him, but you do need to be there to support your sister.
They might get married, she might have a couple of kids with him, but at the end of the day he will either realise his mistake and not do it again, or he’ll do it again and she will need you. Don’t close the door to her, let her know that you will always be there for her.

Itsbeen84yearss · 30/09/2021 10:05

People who are minimising this situation are literally not seeing that sometimes these situations are a matter of life and death in the end. Being in abusive ( and cheating and gaslighting is abusive) relationships can kill women in the end. Look at Whitney Houston.

MadeForThis · 30/09/2021 10:06

You need to support her, even if you don't agree with her decision. It's likely she will want to leave at some point. She needs to know that you will support her and help her if necessary.

You don't have to like him. You don't have to be his friend. Let your sister know that if she ever wants to leave you will help her. And never say I told you so. She has to make her own decisions.

DarlingFell · 30/09/2021 10:06

Like hell is it courageous to stay with a cheater

I have to agree with this. Out of all my friends who have been cheated on, if they have stayed together, it's always been because they were scared to be single.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2021 10:06

How old is your sister? I had a fiancé who treated me terribly in my early 30s but felt too scared to leave in case I lost my chance of having children and felt I might never meet anyone else. Luckily a very frank talking friend told me I shouldn’t stay with him just because I was too scared of being single in my 30s. No one else said it how it was and I ended the relationship and thank god I did. She needs support and to be showed that she deserves better and it’s not too late for her to find happiness elsewhere. I expect there’s an element of fear and pressure (from the upcoming wedding) that makes it feel like she doesn’t really have a choice.

FreeBritnee · 30/09/2021 10:07

I’d feel exactly the same as you and there’s no way in hell I’d be going to the wedding. Are you sure there’s no abuse going on? Is he controlling or is she just infatuated and not ready to pull the plaster off?

Granllanog · 30/09/2021 10:07

I would really struggle with this...........it would be hard enough to "carry on as normal" if he was remorseful!
I couldn't be a bridesmaid in these circumstances.

MakingM · 30/09/2021 10:08

@ShaneTheThird

Honestly thought you were going to say she had done something awful not that she's been cheated on.

Loads of relationships survive after infidelity.

I’d agree if they had been married 20 years, but this is during their engagement. If OP’s sister’s fiancé can’t keep his hands off other people during their engagement, this relationship is doomed.

It’s for OP’s sister’s friends to support her delusions but as a sister I would risk a falling out to protect my sister in the long term.

Even if she didn’t listen, she would know that I was 100% on her side and that was why I couldn’t take part in the wedding.

I would let her know I hope it works out for her and I will always be there if it doesn’t without any I told you so.

KimDeals · 30/09/2021 10:09

You’re not being unreasonable in how you feel at all. No! You feel that way because you love your sister and expect people to treat her respectfully, which he hasn’t done.

But try not to be disappointed in your sister. It might be a phase of trying that she must explore, before a final boot. She may need to temporarily whitewash it all.

Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 10:09

@FreeBritnee

I’d feel exactly the same as you and there’s no way in hell I’d be going to the wedding. Are you sure there’s no abuse going on? Is he controlling or is she just infatuated and not ready to pull the plaster off?
My sister is late 20s to the PP who asked.

I'm almost positive there is no abuse going on, as positive as I can be. She is genuinely head over heels for him and has been since day one. He can do no wrong in her eyes (and the rest of the families until recently). I know some of her reason for staying is financial, he has a good job and brings in most of the money. She works but makes nowhere near as much as him.

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 30/09/2021 10:11

Your job is to support her, not judge her.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2021 10:12

I can honestly say that every single woman on this planet deserves a better man than a man who cheats. By supporting this relationship you aren’t supporting her, you’re just reinforcing and justifying her fears. Tell her how it is and refuse to attend her wedding, it might just be the push she needs to end it.

MimiDaisy11 · 30/09/2021 10:14

I feel for you OP. I’d find it difficult to support the marriage. It’s especially worrying as it’s early days in the relationship. What if they have children and he cheats then? It’ll be so much more difficult then.

Realistically you can’t do much. Just be there for your sister. Adults have to be left to make their own mistakes.

The bridesmaid issue is difficult. I’d find it hard to do it but then you don’t want to fall out over it.

You’ve not given details of the affair. Im assuming it was proper affair and not just a one off drunken kiss at the start of the relationship etc which are more forgivable.

Standrewsschool · 30/09/2021 10:16

Be there for her, but don’t be a bridesmaid. You wouldn’t enjoy the weddings or it’s preparations and would feel a hypocrite. Maybe by taking a stance, she will appreciate a little more how serious it all is.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2021 10:17

I know some of her reason for staying is financial, he has a good job and brings in most of the money. She works but makes nowhere near as much as him.

So she has no faith she could meet someone else who earned a decent wage AND was a nice human being?! She has low self esteem in that case. She’s late 20s and has her whole life in front of her, she’s far too young to settle for him.

CuckooCall · 30/09/2021 10:17

I think you sound very harsh on your sister. She's found out the man she loves and is marrying has been cheating on her. She will be overflowing with conflicting emotions and she needs time to work through it. You need to be supporting her in this process, not judging her because she isn't reacting in the way you want and expect her to. We all think we'd respond in a certain way in a crisis but until you're in that situation most people won't truly know how they actually will respond at the time. Losing respect for your sister because she is standing by him for now is harsh. She hasn't done anything wrong. It's her life and she needs to decide in her own time how she wants to live it. It may mean that she calls off the wedding once the reality sinks in, or it may mean she gets married and then regrets sticking with him, or maybe everything will work out for them. You don't know and she doesn't know, but she needs to work through it with your support and without your judgement. You don't have to like him or support their relationship, but you can support your sister in whatever decision she makes.

And for the record, with the exception of the losing respect for your sister, I do understand how you're feeling because I had the same situation with my sister. And I also was astounded when she tried to sweep the whole murky mess under the carpet and pretend it hadn't happened. However, we stuck by her regardless of our personal feelings and didn't judge her for her subsequent decisions.

Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 10:18

@MimiDaisy11

I feel for you OP. I’d find it difficult to support the marriage. It’s especially worrying as it’s early days in the relationship. What if they have children and he cheats then? It’ll be so much more difficult then.

Realistically you can’t do much. Just be there for your sister. Adults have to be left to make their own mistakes.

The bridesmaid issue is difficult. I’d find it hard to do it but then you don’t want to fall out over it.

You’ve not given details of the affair. Im assuming it was proper affair and not just a one off drunken kiss at the start of the relationship etc which are more forgivable.

No no, this was a physical affair going on for 8 months with a woman from his work. My sister found out as he had passed out drunk and the woman kept messaging his phone at 2 am waking her up. Vulgar, illicit messages, pictures and proof of an affair which he admitted.
OP posts:
Mistymoors · 30/09/2021 10:19

It’s her decision at the end of the day, you would probably be better off telling her how you feel instead of being off with her .

Hoppinggreen · 30/09/2021 10:19

You may not agree with her decision and I understand how it will be hard not to shout “because he’s a cheating bastard” when they get to the bit where they do the does anyone here presents etc etc
However, she has made her choice and all you can do is make sure she has someone to support her if/when he does it again. If you make your disapproval too overt then she will feel she can’t confide in you but you can also make it clear that you will not play happy families with him

MimiDaisy11 · 30/09/2021 10:20

Surely it’s courageous to leave a cheater and start out again? It can’t be both courageous to stay or to go.

SprayedWithDettol · 30/09/2021 10:21

Whilst I would never recommend getting back with a cheater, it happens for so many reasons and being supportive and non judgemental is your role in this. Because the shit will hit the fan one day.
I speak from personal experience.
Be a decent sister and stand by her. You don’t know what is going on in her life/head etc. She isn’t happy despite appearances to the contrary.