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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost all respect for my sister...?

172 replies

protonmail · 30/09/2021 09:45

My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
BrilloPaddy · 30/09/2021 10:21

It's her choice at the end of the day, but there's no way in hell I'd even go to her wedding let alone be her bridesmaid.

I'm NC with my sister because I don't agree with some of her life choices.

FreedomFaith · 30/09/2021 10:22

@TheWoleb

I wouldn't be standing up with them at their wedding. It is her life and it is her choice, but we dont always have to support the choices of our family.

Standing up with someone at their wedding says you support the marriage, and you want to celebrate it with them. I couldn't celebrate this situation.

This.

If she wants to carry on and make a big mistake, that's her choice. She is an adult, it's her life. But that doesn't mean I would stand their smiling and saying 'oh what a lovely couple, they totally deserve each other, they'll be so happy for the rest of their lives' because it's a pile of crap. She doesn't deserve him, she deserves better. They aren't a lovely couple, he's a slimy cheater. They won't be happy, she will be forever on the lookout for him cheating. He probably will be, he knows he can shag whoever and still come home to an obedient wife.

That's her choice to make and I would make it clear I am there for her when she wants rid of him. But not while she is with him.

FallonBeesley · 30/09/2021 10:24

I would be stepping down as bridesmaid and trying to get her to postpone the wedding for another year. She doesn’t need to ruin her life like this. Just tell her you are there for her whenever she needs you but you cannot support this relationship.

dottiedodah · 30/09/2021 10:24

I think you sound concerned ,not horrid! Anyway you may despair of your DS decision ,but its her life at the end of the day .She has decided to go ahead and marry him you may not agree. Just be supportive of her ,she is still your big sis that you looked up to and admired all these years!

PandorasMailbox · 30/09/2021 10:26

Please don't judge your sister too harshly. She's not the one in the wrong here. I was your sister when I was in my 20s and it took 10 long years for me to finally leave my abusive relationship.

If I'd have had the support of my family, I would've left a lot sooner.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2021 10:27

Totally shocked at MN posters going soft on this situation, it’s got LTB written all over it and the OP is in a strong position to help her sister get away from this man. MN are all over “controlling” or “gaslighting” abusive men but this guy has been having sex with someone else behind this poor woman’s back the same year they’re due to get married. If that isn’t abuse of some sorts then I don’t know what is. She didn’t consent to having sex with someone who was sleeping with another woman.

Feelingparanoid · 30/09/2021 10:27

@protonmail I understand you feeling like you've lost respect for your sister but I would urge you strongly to shift your perspective slightly. If you delve deeper into why she might be wanting to stay with him you might unearth some undercurrents of control, persuasion and manipulation tactics coming from this man. I'm not saying that is the case - how can any of us ever really know - but I got a real sense of unease about your sister's future happiness after reading your opening post.
Can you try to talk to her about these deeper issues? Because if he's cheating now, the likelihood is that he will cheat again. The fact remains that not all men cheat.

leavesthataregreen · 30/09/2021 10:29

She needs you on her side right now. She might waver before the wedding or soon after it. Either way, she needs to know that you will always have her best interests at heart. I'd stay as bridesmaid just to make sure that if the little shit doesn't turn up on the day, or if she has second thoughts, there is someone at her side who she trusts 100%.

BeggarsMeddle · 30/09/2021 10:29

If I were in this situation I would point out the red flags (eg him calling his ex a psycho, him having sex with someone else at a time when they're supposed to be committed to each other, and so on.)

I would give her the tools to assess whether it is worth going through with the wedding. I imagine there is also an element of sunken costs going on as well - emotional and financial - and very likely 'face-saving' too.

zoemum2006 · 30/09/2021 10:30

OP you said he doesn’t abuse her but you also said he called her ‘psycho’ (or similar). To me that is mental abuse. Her self esteem sounds very low.

I would try and support her as much as possible and help her get back her self worth.

PetuniaButterworth · 30/09/2021 10:32

I can empathize I was in a similar situation with my sister a few years ago except it was domestic violence situation instead of cheating.

My sister opened up to us when they broke up and confirmed the bruises I'd noticed weren't from her job as a care assistant but from her partner. After a few weeks they got back together and my sister rationalised the violence as not being as bad as we where making out because "it was a same sex relationship and not as if some man was beating her every night".

My mum was terrified of pushing my sister away so we where instructed by her to bite our tongue and bide our time we weren't to create a "them vs Us" mentality and my sister should always feel she had us to turn to or run to.

The relationship finally ran its course after about a year. But it was the hardest year of my life playing happy families and smiling across the dinner table at someone who made my skin crawl. My mums hair went completely grey with the stress. This was a few years ago and my sister can now talk about it and has said when they got back together her partner tried to isolate her from us but because we were always perfectly pleasant she couldn't justify why my sister should keep away.

My advice, as painfully hard as it is to do, is bite your tongue and just be there for your sister

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 30/09/2021 10:35

@ShaneTheThird

Honestly thought you were going to say she had done something awful not that she's been cheated on.

Loads of relationships survive after infidelity.

I agree with this
EerieSilence · 30/09/2021 10:36

It's not up to you to be the judge. Be there for her, when it's great and when it's not great. That's what being a good sister is about, not about telling her "I told you so".

BeggarsMeddle · 30/09/2021 10:36

I'd also be suggesting she not rush into having children, and not rush into stopping work completely if she does.
Now is the easiest time for her to alter the course of her future even if it feels like the hardest thing to do at the moment.

alldaydream · 30/09/2021 10:37

I think you're being a bit unreasonable to lose respect towards her. It would be better if you didn't put her up on a strong independent superwoman pedestal. She's just a human, and just because she is usually strong and independent doesn't mean she cannot also be afraid (of being alone), or have her confidence robbed, or behave in a non logical way, and it definitely doesn't stop her from falling in love with a dickhead and being unable to see how much better life would be without him. And that's probably not something you are going to be able to make her see either. She's obviously aware her fiancé has hurt and betrayed her and been reckless with her emotions, but for whatever reason she feels compelled to fix the relationship rather than cut her losses. You can't make her see sense, she has to come to that realisation herself.

I would just focus on your relationship with your sister. Otherwise she's going to sense your judgement, and when/ if it happens again she's going to be reluctant to confide in you - which is the opposite of what you want, right?

Brainwave89 · 30/09/2021 10:39

I have been where you are now a few times with friends. In some cases couples can work their problems and get back to where they were. This can be difficult to see from the outside, and no one has sight into a marriage, so I would not judge. Equally, it can take time for the scales to fall from people's eyes before they truly realise what a shit they have been married to. As a friend or relative this can be a frustrating experience. For me YABVU for blaming your sister. if you blame anyone, blame her partner, but not your sister.

CuckooCall · 30/09/2021 10:39

@Summerfun54321

Totally shocked at MN posters going soft on this situation, it’s got LTB written all over it and the OP is in a strong position to help her sister get away from this man. MN are all over “controlling” or “gaslighting” abusive men but this guy has been having sex with someone else behind this poor woman’s back the same year they’re due to get married. If that isn’t abuse of some sorts then I don’t know what is. She didn’t consent to having sex with someone who was sleeping with another woman.
Yes of course it's got LTB all over it but the question wasn't about whether her sister should LTB or not, it was about whether the OP WBU to lose respect for her sister.
Ellarain · 30/09/2021 10:40

It's none of your business. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. What impact does it have on your life? Your sister is an adult who can make her own decisions.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 10:42

@Summerfun54321

Totally shocked at MN posters going soft on this situation, it’s got LTB written all over it and the OP is in a strong position to help her sister get away from this man. MN are all over “controlling” or “gaslighting” abusive men but this guy has been having sex with someone else behind this poor woman’s back the same year they’re due to get married. If that isn’t abuse of some sorts then I don’t know what is. She didn’t consent to having sex with someone who was sleeping with another woman.
Nobody's going soft. Nobody's justifying his behaviour. We're saying the OP shouldn't all but cut her sister off because she's staying with him.
Viviennemary · 30/09/2021 10:42

I would resign as bridesmaid. But its her choice to stay with the cheat. I would probably go to the wedding though.

Lweji · 30/09/2021 10:45

I certainly wouldn't have any respect for him, and I'd find it difficult to be happy for her wedding, but I'd feel the need to be there for her, thick or thin.

It's a somewhat similar situation to a close friend of mine. I'm there for her and she knows it. I don't agree with her choices, but we should not judge if we are in different positions.

In this case, your sister is harming nobody, except, perhaps, herself. But, as others have pointed out, we should never put people on pedestals.
Be her sister, not her admirer.

Mrgrinch · 30/09/2021 10:45

I wouldn't go to the wedding if I didn't support it, that would be very hypocritical. Don't go and tell him he's the reason why.

Callixte · 30/09/2021 10:46

She's not necessarily unreasonable for getting back together with him and giving it another try; that has to be her choice. Of course, they shouldn't be rushing into marriage; it will take a great deal of work to get past this and there are no guarantees. I understand why she doesn't want people constantly bringing up the past, but she can't tell you to ignore it or pretend it didn't happen. But only bring it up when it's directly relevant.

If you don't want to be her bridesmaid, tell her you can't, ASAP, so she can make other plans. If you don't want to socialise with her fiance or include him in family events, that's also perfectly understandable, but may impact your relationship with her. I'd just be clear that you still want to be in her life and see her, just not with him. That should be easy enough to arrange if everyone's honest. She's still the same person, she just made a decision you (probably) wouldn't have made.

sprinkleyumnut · 30/09/2021 10:47

I would be angry too however she's just giving it another go. With cheating relationships tend not to survive, but she's just wanting to realise that herself probably. She deserves better and hopefully will do what is best for her and leave him, as hurtful as it is for her the right person will come along.

SirSamuelVimes · 30/09/2021 10:48

@FallonBeesley

I would be stepping down as bridesmaid and trying to get her to postpone the wedding for another year. She doesn’t need to ruin her life like this. Just tell her you are there for her whenever she needs you but you cannot support this relationship.
I think this would be my response too. No way I would be a bridesmaid.