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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost all respect for my sister...?

172 replies

protonmail · 30/09/2021 09:45

My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
diddl · 30/09/2021 11:26

@samwitwicky

Your job is to support her, not judge her.
Why must she support her sister to do something she doesn't agree with?
AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 11:28

@samwitwicky

Your job is to support her, not judge her.
Her "job" is to look out for her which clearly she's doing
inmyslippers · 30/09/2021 11:29

Yanbu she's made the choice to stay and forgive. Others won't have such short memories. Take as long as you need op

Bookworm20 · 30/09/2021 11:30

Its a difficult position for you to be in. Of course YANBU feeling this way and I think I would feel the same about my sister if she decided to carry on and marry someone who'd had an 8 month affair right before their wedding day. If she hadn't found out, would it have continued past their wedding?

I think the only thing you can do is let her know you are 100% there for her, but you do not support her decision to marry him. You can't respect him at all after what he did and you want nothing to do with him. You'll be civil when needed but it'll be difficult for you.
Perhaps ask her, how she would have felt had she found out after the wedding? Because had she not seen those texts its pretty certain it would still be going on.
He might even have shagged his bit on the side the night before they got married.
Just ask her that although SHE loves HIM, does she really want to marry someone who has so little respect for her that his dick took priority over her feelings. Over her love?
Perhaps suggest she delay the wedding as she really needs to be going into that with a clear head, and I imagine her emotions are all over the place at the moment.
If it does go ahead, you do need to go to the wedding as otherwise it looks like you are not supporting her.

NewlyGranny · 30/09/2021 11:31

I couldn't be her bridesmaid but I'd tell her why; that you no longer respect or trust her fiance and won't put yourself in the bridal party and accept his toast and thanks as it would be like pretending you did.

Make clear she has your unstinting love and support and can always turn to you, and you will be there on the day to support her.

If she won't talk about it, write to her, keeping a copy as evidence if she later claims you attacked her etc.

ThePlantsitter · 30/09/2021 11:35

I would have to say, once, what I thought. That I loved her and because I loved her I was feeling very angry and finding it difficult to pretend to be happy about the marriage. Ultimately it's up to you to decide whether you want to be bridesmaid etc but I couldn't do it without telling her how it makes you feel. Lots of 'I feel awful that he gets to have you despite being a twat' statements and no 'you're an idiot' ones. It's hard OP. You clearly love your sis but you can't live her life for her Flowers

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2021 11:39

You can’t ‘win’ here. Obviously, the marriage will not survive (leopard, spots and all of that), but she can’t see that at present. I would be supportive now, get on with duties with a smile on your face and then be on standby for when it falls apart down the track. Trying to talk sense into her atm will not work so just let it all play out and be on stand by.

Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 11:43

@GoodnightGrandma

How are your parents treating him ?
Sorry trying to keep up in between work. My parents are upset also but will never voice it to her, they just want to support her whatever she wants to do.
OP posts:
Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 11:45

@lenorofavenor I got halfway through the OP before I realised she was the one who'd been cheated on

Really? The first sentence of the OP is 'My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months'

OP posts:
lenorofavenor · 30/09/2021 11:46

[quote protonmail]**@lenorofavenor* I got halfway through the OP before I realised she was the one who'd been cheated on*

Really? The first sentence of the OP is 'My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months'
[/quote]
Yes, and your title is you've lost all respect for your sister. Ever misread something in your life before? Easy mistake given the title.

Original poster
protonmail · 30/09/2021 11:49

@lenorofavenor sorry it's just that you stated you got half way through the OP before realising but didn't state it was due to you misreading, you were implying it was the way it was written when it couldn't have been more clear.

OP posts:
TopBlogger · 30/09/2021 11:52

I would be fuming too - especially the "you aren't to bring it up" rubbish. You can bring up what you like, she has the right to ask you not too, just as you have the right to say "stuff that, you are an idiot and he will do it again".

No way would I be a BM though I would go to the wedding for my parent's sake.

Makes a mockery of relationships acting like Dsis and her F are

dworky · 30/09/2021 11:54

As frustrating & upsetting as it is, she needs your support not your judgement/disapproval.

BungleandGeorge · 30/09/2021 11:57

It must be really difficult to watch her make a huge mistake. I agree you can’t really win though. Best option is probably raise your concerns once and then let her get on with it

DrManhattan · 30/09/2021 11:57

I would feel the same as you op.
I have friends who I have supported through dealing with cheating partners only for them to get back with them. They cheat again. Its very frustrating to observe.

5128gap · 30/09/2021 12:01

YABU. Don't judge a woman for the actions of a man. You think you are being strong and enlightened by taking this stance, but you're wrong. Women who want to see other women empowered don't judge them for the way they choose to navigate the challenges of their lives, or feel superior, they support them and strengthen them, so that if the time comes when they do want to make other choices, they have the confidence to do so. As for the cheating man, I'm sure you do despise him, but that's not important. You don't need to centre your own feelings in this, it's your sister that should be your priority.

Mollymalone123 · 30/09/2021 12:03

A lot of judging going on here
It is not courageous to leave or stay-it is down to individual circumstances though and sometimes nothing to do with finances.
Op please just be there for her as even though at the moment she wants to stay she might just need more time-it’s early days-I reckon she’ll end up either postponing the wedding or ending it.
It is not worth losing your relationship with your sister over-she will need you.
If she persists in asking then tell her the truth but say you will support her

FatBettyintheCoop · 30/09/2021 12:05

Is your sister so focussed on having a fancy wedding that she's lost all sense of reality and can't see what a massive mistake she's about to make?

I don't blame you for being annoyed with her.

Why does he still want to get married? What does he gain by being married? Does he enjoy exerting power over her?

BrendaBubbles · 30/09/2021 12:07

Sounds like victim blaming to me. Oh, "she should have done X", "she shouldn't have done Y".

Bookworm20 · 30/09/2021 12:10

YABU. Don't judge a woman for the actions of a man. You think you are being strong and enlightened by taking this stance, but you're wrong.

OP isn't judging her sister for the actions of a man.

Shes judging her sisters decision to continue to marry this man following his actions.

Very different things.

Women who want to see other women empowered don't judge them for the way they choose to navigate the challenges of their lives, or feel superior, they support them and strengthen them

Sorry but we don't need to blindly support every decision our loved ones make to make them feel empowered. I for one would be totally judging if my 18 year old daughter thought about shacking up with the local 45 year old drug dealer to embark on a life of crime. certainly wouldn''t be thinking i'll let her alone to choose to navigate this challenge of her life. I'd be stepping right in. Because I love her.

Op's situation is no different. She loves her sister and doesn't want to see her make this potentially awful mistake.

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 12:14

It isn’t impacting on your relationship. You are impacting on your relationship. Regardless of the choices our family makes, we support them. It’s what family does.

If you want to be there for her if you are convinced it will all go wrong, your best choice is to stay close.

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 12:14

YABU. It's not for you to punish her.

gabsdot45 · 30/09/2021 12:15

I had a similar experience with my SIL a few years ago. BIL was unfaithful and they seperated. I was her confidant. When they got back together she would hardly speak to me at all. I think she was embarassed about all the stuff she had told me about him and their relationship. They split up again eventually for good.
With your sister I'd suggest having a conversation with her about how you're surprised that shes back with him but that you love her and will support this decision. You can't say anything bad about him though because she's going to marry him and she'll be loyal to him first

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 12:15

I'd be stepping right in. Because I love her.

And she would do it anyway then feel she couldn’t come to you when it went tits up. Then what would you do?

Underamour · 30/09/2021 12:16

Maybe she feels this is her only chance at marriage and kids. I think you are right about it being a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t know if I would lose respect for her though.