Page 4 | To have lost all respect for my sister...?

Drinkingallthewine · 30/09/2021 10:49

Any chance she is playing the long game and getting married in order to have more rights financially if they split?

Anyway. A family member had an affair. I won't go into details but their spouse did love them and they did want to try again afterwards. From the outside, we could all see that it was papering over cracks that wouldn't last, but it was something they needed to do - to be able to walk away finally knowing that they tried to save the marriage.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 10:50

Do you suspect she's with him mainly for his money / status then OP?

sonjadog · 30/09/2021 10:52

I think your attitude and response depends on what you want from your relationship with your sister long term. Do you want to make a statement that you disapprove and want no part in the celebration of their marriage, then yes, pull out and make your statement. What may well happen then is that you lose your relationship with your sister, and that later on if she wants to leave, then she has one less person to turn to. Or you can swallow your own feelings, be a bridesmaid because that is what your sister wants right now, and then be there for her in years to come when things turn bad.

Nomorefuckstogive · 30/09/2021 10:53

She really doesn’t need your judgement and lack of respect right now. She needs support. You have to trust that she’s making the right decision for herself (I’m with you on this, I don’t think she is, but she’s an adult.) You could tell her that you’re worried about her, but she might take it badly. I suppose all else you can do is be there if things fall apart.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/09/2021 10:53

I couldn’t be a bridesmaid in those circumstances. I’d make it clear you love her and will be there for her but you can’t do it and don’t want to impact day.
Years ago BIL married someone - extremely volatile relationship, she had him arrested false accusations of DV etc.
DH couldn’t be part of it so not best man etc. we did go for ceremony but weren’t on photos, left straight after.
They split 3 months later and we were fully supportive of BIL he lived with us for 6 months etc.
DH just couldn’t do it when he’d been involved lots of the incidents eg going to police station, collecting belongings when she’d chucked them out of window. You can’t unheard/unsee stuff and pretend.

Nomorefuckstogive · 30/09/2021 10:55

@MimiDaisy11

Surely it’s courageous to leave a cheater and start out again? It can’t be both courageous to stay or to go.

Yes, it can. If she genuinely feels he’s remorseful, it can be courageous to forgive him and move the relationship forward.

Polkadots2021 · 30/09/2021 10:56

@protonmail

My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

Sometimes people have their lives sh*tted on, and they have to respond the best they can. In the nicest possible way it's not about you. Poor woman, she has a cheating fiance before a wedding and now her sister looks down on her as weak, after a lifetime of making good choices.

We all mess up, she needs you, he's a cheating tat and will mess up again and you need to be there for her when it does. Noones perfect, if this is her big fck up then wow, wish I had your family.

TatianaBis · 30/09/2021 10:57

I would tell her that you love her and will always be there for her, but you can’t support this self destructive choice, or be complicit in the charade of a wedding. You will be present but not as bridesmaid.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 30/09/2021 10:59

I can completely see where you're coming from OP - yes, your DS gets to chose if she gives it another go with this piece of human-garbage, but she can't expect her decision not to affect how you perceive her. It's massively disrespectful and unreasonable to expect family - who love her and have supported her throughout her emotional distress - to just sweep it all under the carpet and plaster on a fake smile. Of course you're never going to forgive him - you love your DS, want her to be treated with respect and he's trampled all over her. I'd lose respect for her too, because she's shown she has poor judgement, poor boundaries and a total lack of common sense and self respect. In essence, she's not the person you thought she was.

I can well imagine her self-esteem is in tatters, her DF cheating when their relationship is supposed to be all exciting and new. The marriage is obviously doomed if this is how he behaves before they're even married. Perhaps your DS sees the wedding as proof that he does love her, like an extreme version of the 'pick-me dance'?

It's so sad as she's still so young and has her whole future in front of her. I can't understand why she'd want to shackle herself to a lying, cheating gas-lighting loser. Anyhow, I agree with previous posters saying they couldn't be a bridesmaid - complete hypocrisy! But also not to lose contact with your DS, as she's so obviously going to need you when it all hits the fan again.

Unbelievable that anyone would believe staying with a cheater is brave. It might be many things, but certainly not brave. Perhaps after a long marriage, children, shared history, financial reasons, co-dependency, lack of self-confidence etc etc - these are all reasons why people stay in a shitty marriage, and they're all sad. But OP's sister is young and has no ties, so it really isn't the same.

3scape · 30/09/2021 11:00

I couldn't feel respect for someone going forwards if they chose to be with a lying cheat.

Id feel sympathy that they'd been treated like absolute shit. I'd be happy to support some one moving on emotionally.
But if you decide to spend your life with a liar then you place lies as high on your values. I couldn't trust or respect someone who was putting lies first in that way.

Itrains · 30/09/2021 11:00

@CouldWeStartAgainPlease

YABU

Staying together after infidelity can be just as courageous a choice as leaving, and can be the right thing for some couples. Ok maybe you and many others would have made a different choice but that's up to you. Your sister's decision is up to her.

Be disappointed in her partner by all means, but support her and be there for her.

Agree.

I’ve experienced infidelity and although I made the decision to end the relationship, I can still appreciate that every relationship is different and some people might want to try to fix the relationship. If they can make it work, then good luck to them, but that’s their decision to make.

It’s an extremely difficult situation to be in, that perhaps the leave the bastard brigade have not experienced, so it’s difficult to understand how hard it is.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 11:01

One of my relatives didn’t go to her son’s wedding as she really didn’t like the woman he was marrying. She had a reputation, and treated his mother like dirt.
Not long after the wedding she was pregnant with another man’s baby and they divorced, but that mother still has it held against her that she didn’t attend the wedding.
She couldn’t win either way.

KarmaStar · 30/09/2021 11:04

Wow this is all about you and your feelings!
What about being there for your sister as behind the smiles she still needs her family.
Not saying anything but being off with her?not going to her wedding?that says it all without words.
Stop judging your sister and start looking at your own behaviour.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 30/09/2021 11:06

@Itrains - I suspect a good few of the so called "leave the bastard brigade" have been in a similar position and did actually leave the bastard - hence their advice (including myself here!).

GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 11:07

How are your parents treating him ?

lenorofavenor · 30/09/2021 11:08

Honestly thought you were going to say she had done something awful not that she's been cheated on.

I got halfway through the OP before I realised she was the one who'd been cheated on

Smartiepants79 · 30/09/2021 11:09

I can’t believe anyone would think you are a bad sister!
Of course you’re struggling to understand why someone you love and admire would throw themselves away on an unfaithful dick. If you weren’t livid with him I’d be worried.
The wedding thing is tricky.
Can you try and see it as simply supporting her? ‘I think this is the wrong choice, I can’t forget it’s happens BUT I love you and I will be by your side’??
You know that the likelihood of this marriage surviving is very slim but she needs to come to her own conclusions.
If he’s not begging forgiveness then it doesn’t bode well. You might need to swallow your pride to protect your relationship with her.

toolazytothinkofausername · 30/09/2021 11:09

YANBU.

Your sister sounds like she has the lowest self esteem to think she can't do any better. That is really sad.

My advice is to take your sister out and show her she can have a good time without her loser of a fiancé.

lazylinguist · 30/09/2021 11:09

I would feel the same as you about the marriage and the arsehole fiancé, OP. But she's your sister and she's an adult- it's her (unwise) choice. I'd still go to the wedding and put a smiley face on it, because it's not worth ruining your relationship with her, but be prepared to help pick up the pieces when he does it again.

KimmyKimdoo · 30/09/2021 11:13

It’s you sisters life and her choice. It doesn’t sound like you’re respectful of her choices at all. It’s not for you to judge her partner, it’s for her to decide what she wants to do. If you can’t be supportive, just leave her alone.

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2021 11:13

To be honest, it’s probably good she doesn’t want to talk about it all the time. What’s done is done, it’s her life and her choice….

Though I couldn’t be bothered listening to her in the future about him leering at other women or if he ends up cheating again….

I’ve got no time for people that put themselves in situations then complain about it constantly! Well just remove yourself from the situation then. Having to go round in circles about the sabe issues time and time again, nightmare

pussycatlickinglollyices · 30/09/2021 11:16

YANBU
Her fiance had an affair for 8 months. Not a one-night stand, but a relationship, with a colleague, for 8 months. Presumably he still works with this woman? I don't understand how she can "forgive and forget" so easily, but this really does not sit right with me.
She shouldn't be marrying him.
And I couldn't be a bridesmaid for her either.

Smartiepants79 · 30/09/2021 11:17

@KimmyKimdoo

It’s you sisters life and her choice. It doesn’t sound like you’re respectful of her choices at all. It’s not for you to judge her partner, it’s for her to decide what she wants to do. If you can’t be supportive, just leave her alone.

Really? You wouldn’t judge a man who has cheated on the women he claims he wants to marry?? I do. Any man. Or woman for that matter. And if it was a man claiming to ‘love’ my wonderful sister. Then I’d be both judging and furious. Of course it’s her choice. But it’s probably not a good choice. That’s hard to stand by and watch.

twoandeights · 30/09/2021 11:20

have you had a sit down honest conversation with her without getting angry? Voice your concerns and ask why. Say you want to try and understand. Has he even said he wants to stay with your sister? Have you suggested that if she goes through with this that he's likely to do it again. Has he even broken up with the other woman!

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 11:26

@ShaneTheThird

Yabu what a horrid sister you sound. He cheats but you have lost all respect for her? The fact she knows how unsupportive you are she can't confide in you? Jeez I would hate you to be my sister.

Clearly she cares a lot about her sister and doesn't want her to marry a cheating cunt who lied to her for 8 months.