To have lost all respect for my sister...?

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My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

It has made me lose respect for her - she has a DD who left home as a young adult because the DH (not the DDs father) told her to fuck off out of his house when she told him what she thought of his latest round of cheating.

It's hard for me to understand how my sister can prioritise this scumbag over her daughter and herself. I did not attend their wedding.

^^ I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be around them

The problem is when they try and dictate how you behave, just because she’s forgiven him, doesn’t mean you have to.
I’m going through similar, a friend was cheated on, left alone holding a newborn baby, falling apart.
Now he’s working his way back in, I don’t hardly hear from her at all.
Makes me feel like she’s a bit of a user to be honest, I think she’s embarrassed that she’s told me so much.

What can you do.

"Makes me feel like she’s a bit of a user to be honest, I think she’s embarrassed that she’s told me so much."

The second part of this is much more likely to be true than the first part. Not only is she embarrassed but she doesn't want you to question WHY she's taken him back after everything she told you.
I doubt she was actually a user based on this alone.

If it were one of my siblings in your sister's shoes, I'd have to have a quiet gentle word with her saying that I will always be her sister and be there for her but I just can't and won't support her going back to someone who has cheated on her for 8 months with another woman. You will not be attending this wedding as a result. You wish her all the very best but if she carries on down this road she has a whole lot of heartache at the end of it. What if they have children? Is this the example she wants to be setting for them? That's it's ok for daddy to screw around and mummy has to share him with other women?

Has he had any medical checks for any STDs? She is settling for someone who has shown that they are a cheater and once a cheater always a cheater.

If it walks like a duck, swims and flies like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are, it's a duck!

I couldn't go to that wedding OP.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

"Makes me feel like she’s a bit of a user to be honest, I think she’s embarrassed that she’s told me so much."

The second part of this is much more likely to be true than the first part. Not only is she embarrassed but she doesn't want you to question WHY she's taken him back after everything she told you.
I doubt she was actually a user based on this alone.

I said it makes me feel When you put aside so much time for someone in their hour of need, and really go above and beyond, for them to hardly acknowledge you at all after, it’s a bitter pill. I think it’s selfish, I do. You don’t get to shit on people because you’re embarrassed by own actions.

No good deed and all that.

I was with a man who cheated on me time after time for 11 years. I told my mum and sister each time then took him back. One thing I will say about them is they said their piece to me, sometimes said their piece to him but they always stood by me. They knew I'd leave when I was ready. And I did. Now I'm much older and have kids I look back and think how formidable that unspoken support was. Don't judge your sister, she will already be feeling the lowest of the low and you're one person in her life she can trust unconditionally which she needs right now.

@dworky

As frustrating & upsetting as it is, she needs your support not your judgement/disapproval.

OP doesn't need to give support to her sister for her to marry her bastard boyfriend, OP needs to give support to raise her sister's rock bottom self esteem so she can have the strength to tell the bastard to piss off!

Your sister must be feeling pretty rotten inside and probably feels she can't face you telling her the truth about it. The truth is she should wait until things have properly healed, and he has shown believable remorse and willingness to change, before marrying him, if indeed they can ever get to that point. Sweeping things under the carpet is never going to create the right trust for them to rebuild. You know that, and so does she really but she "loves" him so it's too painful to face. By love I mean she's so hurt by his betrayal that she assumes she must love him, even though he's actually not the person she wants him to be and she'll know that either when her hurt subsides or when he does it again. Of course YADNBU.

I couldn’t stand there smiling as a bridesmaid or make chit chat with groom the revulsion would be coming off me in waves. Best man’s speech - no doubt something crass about how Brain was a bit of a lad in his younger days but he’s happily settled down now - how the heck do you keep your face neutral and everyone can see you on top table. Add alcohol to the mix and it’s a recipe for disaster.

It's her choice.
She'll learn the hard way.

Keep your thoughts to yourself and support your sister. Your disapproval is not going to change anything, and if she has to choose between you and him, you probably already know who she'd pick. She's an adult, let her make her own choices.

@SirSamuelVimes

This is why "don't judge" is a ridiculous thing to say / do.

Of course we judge people when they make a bad decision. Blind support helps no-one.

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

This thread on Mumsnet is exactly the attitude I posted about on the abuse thread that has now been taken down. 100% scummy men are respon

Been in a very similar situation.

Caught BiL many times cheating on his now wife prior to their engagement and marriage. DH and I decided we couldn't put our morals aside and stand there and act like their marriage was something to celebrate. Didn't attend and now we are the outcasts. We are ok with that though.

In your situation I would be frank with your sister, I would say you will go for her sake but also say to her that she must understand that not everyone can forgive or forget so easily.

I wouldn’t go along with it either, he called her a psycho fgs.

Honestly I would see you in a different light, how horrible for you to treat your sister differently (noticeably) when she's already down. She hasn't done anything wrong, it's her life. Hate to see how you would act with someone who has actually been bad to you.

Her partner is the issue here. Try to support the poor woman.

The thing is that op’s family are going to have years of this shit ahead of them with drama every time he’s caught out AGAIN and everyone acting like it’s a complete shock that he’s still shagging around & then sweeping it under the carpet while she goes back for more and then the cycle repeats.

I saw it in my in-laws and it’s a total bore fest. You’d need the memory of a goldfish to find it interesting “he’s been at it again” & in other news the sun rose in the East this morning. I banned one in-law from ringing me unless someone is dying after a 3hr phone-call about a lifelong cheat caught cheating.

Cut your losses now & focus on your family because it’s like losing them to a cult.

I would not personally want to be part of a wedding charade in which presumably many of the guests don't know that the groom has been caught cheating, and thus the marriage doesn't have a high chance of surviving. It feels dishonest. I'd be pissed off as a guest to spend my money on an outfit, travel and present in good faith & find out afterwards.

@SirSamuelVimes

This is why "don't judge" is a ridiculous thing to say / do.

Of course we judge people when they make a bad decision. Blind support helps no-one.

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

It's entirely possible to emotionally support someone and give them honest advice whilst also accepting that they're an adult who will ultimately make their own decision. It's not a black or white situation- there are other options besides being blunt and turning your back on someone, or just agreeing and saying what they want to hear.

@SirSamuelVimes

This is why "don't judge" is a ridiculous thing to say / do.

Of course we judge people when they make a bad decision. Blind support helps no-one.

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

It's entirely possible to emotionally support someone and give them honest advice whilst also accepting that they're an adult who will ultimately make their own decision. It's not a black or white situation- there are other options besides being blunt and turning your back on someone, or just agreeing and saying what they want to hear.

I feel sorry for your DS, whether you think she is making a mistake or not that is her choice to make and I would still support them. I think what she means by not talking about it is if she is trying to put it behind her and move forward why would she want to be reminded/talk about it all the time with you?
Also how do you KNOW he isn’t remorseful?

[quote Briarshollow]@ShaneTheThird are you always that thick or did you have to take an evening course?[/quote]
I take a weekly class, it fits well with the "how not to treat my sibling like shit" course.

It's ops sisters life. She chooses to stay with her partner that's her call. Op can express displeasure but she goes into shit sibling territory when even she acknowledges her own sister cannot confide in her anymore.