To have lost all respect for my sister...?

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My sisters fiancé has been caught cheating on her for the past 8 months. She has been in bits and me and the full family have been comforting her the last month. She has now decided to go back to him and work through it and is now pretending everything is normal and happy and we've not to bring it up.

It really has made me look at her differently, growing up I always thought she was strong and independent but I feel really disappointed in the decision she has made to go back to him. Even more so it's the pretending like nothing ever happened that upsets me more, like we are supposed to just forget about it as easily as her.

I'm bridesmaid at her wedding and I now despise her partner for what he's done, he's hardly remorseful and I have went from thinking he's great to being repulsed by him. To the point I can't imagine now being in the wedding supporting this marriage.

It's impacting on our relationship as she can clearly tell something is off when speaking with me but I can't say anything as I don't want to be seen us unsupportive.

AIBU to feel this way?

This is why "don't judge" is a ridiculous thing to say / do.

Of course we judge people when they make a bad decision. Blind support helps no-one.

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

YANBU

I have a sister and she was cheated on for about a year by her long term partner (been together about ten years at the time) and when she found out she was devastated. She was brave enough to leave though which caused huge upheaval for her and their two children but she knew she deserved better.

The situation surrounding his affair was awful and when my sister told me I was horrified. I, and our family had always thought him to be lovely so we just couldn’t take it in. I was so so angry with him, I hate him, I really do.

It’s been 10 years since the truth came out, and although I do have to see him now and then because of my niece and nephew I have absolutely nothing to do with him. If he says hello I just ignore him, I can’t even look at him. I hate him for what he did to my sister and I will never forget it.

If she hadn’t left him when she found out and then they later were getting married, would I be going to their wedding? Hell no!

The kindest, hardest and most supportive thing you can do for your sister is to be there for her. Stand with her as she makes this dreadful mistake. Quietly tell her, once only, that she deserves better and should not marry this man, but also tell her that no matter what she does, you are with her.

Getting a family member out of a terrible relationship is a nightmare, even when they want to leave. Unfortunately your sister isn’t there yet. And when she’s ready to see that she deserves more, if she has no support, she’s likely to stay put.

I’m afraid you have to see the longer picture here, OP. for you, because it is awful.

Surely it’s better to be honest. I love you I want you to be happy but I can’t plaster a fake smile on and pretend I’m ok with groom. It will come across in your body language even if you don’t say anything. My BIL’s wedding was hideous - my MIL cried all through ceremony, my FIL is glaring at bride on photos.

YANBU. It's her choice to be a mug, I guess, but you don't have to support her in it.

Don't be a bridesmaid. I wouldn't even go to the wedding. She's in her twenties with no kids and marrying a confessed cheater.

What's brave about that?

Staying together after infidelity can be just as courageous a choice as leaving

Yeah, its not though is it? People stay out of fear, not courage.

@Bookworm20

YABU. Don't judge a woman for the actions of a man. You think you are being strong and enlightened by taking this stance, but you're wrong.

OP isn't judging her sister for the actions of a man.

Shes judging her sisters decision to continue to marry this man following his actions.

Very different things.

Women who want to see other women empowered don't judge them for the way they choose to navigate the challenges of their lives, or feel superior, they support them and strengthen them

Sorry but we don't need to blindly support every decision our loved ones make to make them feel empowered. I for one would be totally judging if my 18 year old daughter thought about shacking up with the local 45 year old drug dealer to embark on a life of crime. certainly wouldn''t be thinking i'll let her alone to choose to navigate this challenge of her life. I'd be stepping right in. Because I love her.

Op's situation is no different. She loves her sister and doesn't want to see her make this potentially awful mistake.

The situation with an 18 year old DD and a 45 year old drug dealer is so different it hardly bares comparison. You must see that. And we're not talking about not voicing concern, or disagreeing with a decision we are talking about withdrawing respect. How shallow must a person be that in lifelong relationship it takes one poor choice (that hurts no one but the person making it) to make someone no longer worthy of your respect?

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

I disagree. Personally, I think it would be much, much easier to say the truth and not have to witness the car crash that will be the wedding and the upcoming months and years. Much easier to wash your hands of it than have to witness it first hand.

No one but the OPs sister can decide to leave that man. If she thinks he is all she has left because her family walked away when she decided to marry him, she may decide to stay put if it gets worse, or if he cheats again.

YANBU to feel like that

YABU to treat your sister any differently. Both options are shit, leaving him and staying with him. In many ways staying with him will be much harder so it's not easy.

Dont slag him off to her and don't tell her how you feel about this. The more you do this, the more she will double down and see it as them (as a couple) against her family. And the less likely she will be to talk to you about it when he does it again and thr less likely she will feel she can tell you or ask you for support when she needs it in the future.

He sounds like a dick, if he has been calling her a psycho and not remorseful it sounds as though he could be bordering on abusive. Which is another reason not to tell her how you feel, he will find out and might try and stop you seeing her, or at least create a distance, as you will be seen as trying to 'drive them apart'.

I'd keep the lines of communication open with her and ask her questions about how she is feeling and whether she thinks his reactions are right etc. She sounds worn down by him and that will be difficult to change overnight but more likely if she feels supported. I wouldn't pressure her but remind her that no one will think badly of her if she decides not to go ahead with the wedding, or wants to postpone it, she wont be letting anyone down, everyone just wants her to be happy, and sometimes it takes some strength to pull the plug on something that isnt right in the long term. I'd also encourage her not to have kids for the next few years until things have settled down as they will make a difficult situation even more volatile and also make it much harder to leave if / when he does it again

You might find that frustrating etc… but don’t think your Dsis deserves ou to be as judgemental as that.

You can’t get your head around the whys she is staying. Fine.
But don’t judge. She is the victim here and needs support rather than someone looking down in her.
She also doesn’t need someone making assumptions, like she is only in there for the money tbh.

@SirSamuelVimes

This is why "don't judge" is a ridiculous thing to say / do.

Of course we judge people when they make a bad decision. Blind support helps no-one.

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

Does it not occur to you that you can voice concern and tell someone you think they are making a poor choice, whilst at the same time being supportive and respectful of them? Because I can assure you its entirely possible.

@Bookworm20
Totally agree with your response.

Does it not occur to you that you can voice concern and tell someone you think they are making a poor choice, whilst at the same time being supportive and respectful of them? Because I can assure you its entirely possible.

That's exactly what I'm advocating for! It's very different from the position a lot of pps are saying the op should adopt, which is smile and say nothing.

@HomeEdHankering

But it's easier to tell people "I support you!" than "this is a bad decision and I fear you will live to regret it. I still love and care for you whatever you do, but I can't support this action."

Ultimately the "I don't judge" brigade are both cowardly and selfish. It's so, so much easier to tell someone what they want to hear, and you can pat yourself on the back and say you're a good person while watching someone you supposedly care about throw their life down the drain. But hey! You didn't judge, right?! Go you!

I disagree. Personally, I think it would be much, much easier to say the truth and not have to witness the car crash that will be the wedding and the upcoming months and years. Much easier to wash your hands of it than have to witness it first hand.

No one but the OPs sister can decide to leave that man. If she thinks he is all she has left because her family walked away when she decided to marry him, she may decide to stay put if it gets worse, or if he cheats again.

I agree. It takes huge strength and courage to be there for someone. Much easier to give yourself and excuse to abandon them while patting yourself on the back for being so much better than they are.

Why do you care? Shes realise one day and leave him or she'll forgive him. Why can't you just support her and be there for her? She's probably in a mess and doesn't want any stress and its probably easier for her. Let her have some peace. Maybe she'll realise one day. She's not getting anything from her partner why make her life hell and have her family disappointed in her too. Because...what's that going to do? It's going to rely on that CHeating scumbag even more...

*it's going to make her rely on that

Would she consider delaying the wedding? Surely she must know that everyone attending is going to think it's a sham. Who wants that on the 'happiest day of their life'? She needs to let the dust settle and for him to prove himself worthy.

I'd keep the lines of communication open with her and ask her questions about how she is feeling and whether she thinks his reactions are right etc. She sounds worn down by him and that will be difficult to change overnight but more likely if she feels supported. I wouldn't pressure her but remind her that no one will think badly of her if she decides not to go ahead with the wedding, or wants to postpone it, she wont be letting anyone down, everyone just wants her to be happy, and sometimes it takes some strength to pull the plug on something that isnt right in the long term. I'd also encourage her not to have kids for the next few years until things have settled down as they will make a difficult situation even more volatile and also make it much harder to leave if / when he does it again

I would also try to point out that it will never be any easier to leave him than it is now. Calling off a wedding is a big task but everyone in your family will help her, will do all the talking to venues, businesses, guests if she wants. Divorce is hard. Splitting up with kids in the mix is even harder. Now is the easiest it's going to get.

YANBU to feel frustrated at her decision - nobody likes to see their loved ones in pain and it will likely happen again because cheaters don't really care who they hurt. YABU to let her know that though. It is very hard to leave someone who you live because your already hurting, why would you want to add to that pain? So instead you bury your head in the sand and hope that you can survive it and pretend that the trust will come back and things will be fine - in reality that rarely happens sadly and so when he does cheat againshe needs to know that you will be there for her no matter what.

@ShaneTheThird are you always that thick or did you have to take an evening course?

I think I would pull out of being a bridesmaid too. I would tell her that I love her and will do anything to help her bar supporting her in marrying a cheating smug twat.

I'd also point out that you'll always be there for her but you don't really want to play happy families with said cheating smug twat, thanks.

Oh and yes I would pull out of being a bridesmaid but reassure her that you love her and will always love her and be there for her but you can't support a marriage to a man who will destroy her. The gaslighting is a huge red flag and if he's started the abuse already chances are it will just escalate and it only ever gets harder to leave.

My eldest sister has a husband who has cheated on her repeatedly throughout their marriage.

She still adores him. I think he is a piece of shit.

It has made me lose respect for her - she has a DD who left home as a young adult because the DH (not the DDs father) told her to fuck off out of his house when she told him what she thought of his latest round of cheating.

It's hard for me to understand how my sister can prioritise this scumbag over her daughter and herself. I did not attend their wedding.

Those who are saying don't be bridesmaid, pragmatically what would that achieve? Its highly unlikely she would call off the wedding. She would marry him anyway, with a cloud of hurt feelings making it worse. Refusing to be bridesmaid is a performance protest, at best to show the world your strong moral stance, at worst because you're annoyed she's gone against your advice. It really won't change a thing for your sister for the better.

This happened to me with a close friend and the friendship didn’t survive. I couldn’t bear to listen to her say good or bad things about him. They are now married (unhappily so I hear) with kids and I have nothing to do with her. I can’t imagine if it was my sister though. I would feel exactly the same as you. But not so simple to cut a sister out of your life. Sorry OP