DH is sulking over sex

[erin48]

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

"Yes, you're right, we can do other things. I'm going to lie on the sofa and feel ill, and you're going to fuck right off and stop being so selfish."

What kind of person would enjoy sexual activity even though they know their partner is unwilling and not enjoying it?

It is gross.

I've just said to him "I feel rough, uncle (name) passed away and I don't want to" and he replied "bringing (uncles name) into it is a bit of a cheap shot" I just don't understand him.

He’s gaslighting you, OP.

And you’re now minimising his behaviour.

Your update makes him sound even worse. God knows why you'd ever consent to have his penis in your mouth ever again!

You are worth more than being a wank sock, which is how he sees you. Manipulative cunt he is.

I wouldn’t be having anything to do with him until he did apologise. Certainly no sex or trying to get him out of his grump. His selfishness here is off the scale. He needs to learn that a sulky selfish man gets absolutely nothing but contempt. Hope you’re ok OP.

If this is how he behaves around blowjobs specifically I would be taking him asking for them off the table entirely. If you choose to do it during sex or otherwise fine, but if this is how he acts when he asks and you say no - tell him it's not happening any more.

He doesn't have the right to expect them or to treat you like this.

@PermanentTemporary

Actually thought this might be unreasonable.

But no.

Try not to hold on to this one. Clearly there's some underlying issues. But asking for a bj when someone has just come down with a virus... what??

Sorry I don't understand x

I wouldn't accept that. Sulking like that is abusive. He is gaslighting you about your uncle.

Vile man. Don't make excuses for him. Poor you. Feel better soon.

I would follow his lead, and silk and ignore until he apologises and says he won’t to it again

Also if you don’t want to/ don’t enjoy them don’t do it. It’s wrong to expect you to do something you don’t want to at anytime

Sulk not silk

Thank you all for your advice and get well wishes.

I'm cosy in bed and my lovely dog has come up for a cuddle x

I know this isn’t the point of the thread (& obviously the DH is being an idiot) but I don’t get this…

“ And besides what grown man asks for a BJ?”

I’m quite happy for a partner to ask me for oral sex. (Again, not in the way that OP’s partner has). Is that considered abnormal or not grown up?

His sense of entitlement to BJs is what I don't fathom? It's as if your feelings and choices just don't come into it? Does he think it's your duty or something? I would ignore him for a while and nurse yourself back to health, then when You feel better? LTB !!

I would tell him that you do not enjoy giving him blow jobs and you won't be giving them to him anymore.

I'd never want sex again with someone that sulked like that.

Accusing you of bringing your uncle’s death up as a “cheap shot” is absolutely disgraceful and I’d really struggle to move past it.

You are grieving and sick. Instead of busying himself taking care of you - both physically and emotionally - he is pressuring you into giving him oral sex (so there’s not even anything in it for you), then sulking and accusing you of using your recent bereavement to score points.

This isn’t how decent men behave, OP. Ever.

Why do you feel like you're in the wrong? This is the easiest YANBU in a while.

Sulking is so unattractive. So is the expectation that you do blowjobs, at any time, if he is aware you don't like it.

Stop trying to understand him, he's a prize bellend. You can do better than this. You are worth more than this.

His sexual release does not require you to be present, and saying mentioning your uncles death was a "low blow" sounds rather like he's saying you're looking for excuses - newsflash for him, his sexual gratification is not an obligation that you have to ask permission to be excused from.

Tell him to piss off and have a wank

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

Can I just say
In a loving relationship, "Defending yourself" isn't something you should need to do.

When it comes to sex, any form, saying No is a stance that needs no defence and no justification.

"can I have a BJ"
"No"

Here endeth the conversation..
Never add a reason, never answer any pleads for a reason, just repeat,
"No"

Someone that loves someone, wouldn't pressure, wouldn't silk, wouldn't attempt to coerce sexual contact...

Remember:
Enthusiastic consent is the only consent.
Anything less than that is non consent.
Non consent is rape.

What an arsehole!

Married, very happily, for 33 years, everything has always been mutually wanted and completely consensual.

Can’t believe someone would “ask for a bj” out of the blue like that, in such an unromantic, matter of fact setting, like it’s some sort of perfunctory duty. Worse still if their partner is unwell.

Just can’t get my head round the fact that people tolerate this sort of disrespect.

You really shouldn’t.

V insensitive it’s like “I’m all well now, meanwhile YOUR life is falling to pieces …how about a nice blow job” 😂😂😂. He’s rubbish.

It seems he cares more about his blowjobs than he does about you OP. If this is how they make him behave I'd be refusing them completely from now on.

He's obviously feeling much better then, so his protests of you not working and money being short will soon be sorted by him getting himself back to work.

Using the bereavement of your Uncle against you is appalling. I'd Seriously be thinking about his behaviour as a whole.