DH is sulking over sex

[erin48]

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

@Toutsain I really don't have any hang ups about it, I like sex, I like experimenting, I give blowjobs when I feel like it, during intimacy. It's not my favourite thing to do, I don't hate it, I don't really enjoy it but it's something I do as I know he finds it pleasurable.

I cannot ever imagine demanding he give me oral sex, sulking or even saying I understand why women cheat if he refused. Not under normal circumstances, not when he's ill, not when he's grieving, not ever.

I think I'd actually be embarrassed by my thoughts if I felt like it was acceptable to sulk.

but it's something I do as I know he finds it pleasurable.

I’m guessing/hoping that is no longer the case based on your stories in this thread..

@BrendaBubbles I think if he came anywhere near me right now I'd be likely to cut it off with something sharp. I don't want to ever touch him again. Yesterday's comments were the final straw for me 🤢

@erin48

Don't blame yourself, OP. Men can be very loving and supportive till you no longer give them what they want. Then you learn it was all an act. Not your fault. I think your husband missed his calling. If he had become an actor I am sure he would have a Oscar by now.

OP - you sound like a lovely person and he sounds in every respect like the worst possible kind of man. Please find a way out of this relationship where he tries to bully and coerce you into unwanted sex. I can guarantee you if you try to leave first he will be angry and abusive, then he'll beg and wheedle and make all the promises you can imagine - be prepared for him to propose couples counselling, the lot. Do not fall for it - he is a shithead and he will try and manipulate you into continuing to be his sex doll/maid of all work/ bread winner. If you relent and have a child with this man You can be sure a week after birth he'll be hassling you, while you try to adjust your life and body to a newborn - for sex and BJs.

Yesterday's comments were the final straw for me 🤢

And so they should be. The thing is, when someone has an unhealthy pattern of behaviour, like your husband does, the ONLY thing that can get them to change it is when the behaviour absolutely stops working for them.

Your husband has been used to getting you to do what he wants by using unhealthy strategies like punishing you with sulking (emotional retreat), criticism, condescension, bullying and arguing until you're confused and back down. As long as he continues to get his way when he uses one of these strategies, he will keep using them.

The only healthy ways to get someone to do what you want is to ask them nicely and show them the positive benefits for both of you. If someone doesn't want to do what you want, the only healthy choices are to accept that gracefully and manage your own disappointment, or come up with another offer that works for both of you.

So if, when your husband realises that you are totally serious about not enabling his unhealthy behaviours any more, and starts promising better ones, and you feel tempted to give him another chance, be aware that you need to make sure that you are actually GETTING the healthy behaviours, rather than just getting promises about receiving them in the future. And the delivery of healthy behaviours needs to be consistent, not occasional, or mixed with unhealthy ones.

If the change is inconsistent, your husband obviously doesn't fully get what he's doing wrong. Until he can understand clearly what he's doing wrong, you have to hold the line on never accepting an unhealthy strategy.

Love the Footrot Flats reference in your username, Cheeky ❤️

@Guineapigbridge

Love the Footrot Flats reference in your username, Cheeky

I spy a fellow countrywoman :-) Hope you're doing all right at the moment.

Good for you that you're leaving. You deserve better than a husband who is sexually coercive and only a couple of steps away from being a rapist. I can't imagine a bigger turn-off than my partner not actually wanting to have sex.

If you relent and have a child with this man You can be sure a week after birth he'll be hassling you, while you try to adjust your life and body to a newborn - for sex and BJs.

Even better that you get out now whilst you don't have a kid with him.

I think if you don’t like giving oral sex you might just possibly have a few hang-ups

@Toutsain seldom have I seen a more ridiculous comment on here.

And there are many ways to show someone that you 'love and fancy him so much' without having to shove his dick in your mouth if you don't want to. If you love it, then crack on obviously, but to tell someone that they have hang ups if they don't (which the OP never actually said) is utterly ludicrous.

We all like different thinks sexually, and that's ok.

But, but @ThumbWitchesAbroad how else can you show a man that you 'love and fancy them so much' if you don't put his penis in your mouth? Tis the way of it. Apparently ... 🙄

how the hell is it hung up to not particularly enjoy giving oral sex?? What pleasure centres are in your mouth? Theres no physical pleasure for the giver, only psychological pleasure and that is very much dependent on being aroused yourself. It can be a nice part of sex, but someone repeatedly demanding oral sex by itself is weird and selfish

Stay strong, Erin. Once he realises you are serious about leaving, the begging and wheeling and promises to change will come out. He won't change.

*wheedling

What pleasure centres are in your mouth?

Have you never eaten a doughnut or chocolate eclair? Mouthfeel is literally a thing.

I don’t like oral either by the way but I do like food

@Branleuse

how the hell is it hung up to not particularly enjoy giving oral sex?? What pleasure centres are in your mouth? Theres no physical pleasure for the giver, only psychological pleasure and that is very much dependent on being aroused yourself. It can be a nice part of sex, but someone repeatedly demanding oral sex by itself is weird and selfish

I enjoy giving oral sex. There's nothing wrong with someone not enjoying giving it, but I do.

Meant to add, my husband enjoys giving it too. Most men I've known have enjoyed it. I'm a lucky woman.

i loathe giving men blow jobs, i find it degrading... only couple of times i've done it willingly, ex put his hand on my head and tried to hold me there.

They can fuck off with that shit and keep their hands to their bloody selves.

And trust me, i have zero hang-ups where sex is concerned if its with someone i love and trust, and i get a massive kick out of giving pleasure... but that doesn't transfer to having a dick in my mouth.

ex put his hand on my head and tried to hold me there.

Oh, many years ago I had a boyfriend who tried that. I stopped what I was doing, forced myself free and told him if he ever tried that again, I'd bite. Needless to say, the relationship lasted about 30 seconds. That is obviously not acceptable.

I love doing it with my boyfriend (not with all men, some penises are nicer than others) but ONLY in the context of sex we are mutually having. If he expected me to suck his dick out of the blue with no warm up he'd get a big fat no. Also - not enjoying something sexually isn't a 'hang up'.

@erin48, hope you are feeling ok. Your H seems to feel contempt for you...that's om him, not you. Contempt however is the sign a relationship has to end.

I'm so sorry, life seems tough atm for you but you'll get through this as you seem a strong woman. It's his loss.