Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 16 17 18

Original poster

DH is sulking over sex

443 replies

erin48 · 29/09/2021 22:05

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 30/09/2021 18:18

@erin48

Thank you for everyone's input I appreciate all of the opinions, advice, support and different perspectives.

I've just tried to have a conversation with him and he said "not going to do it but no wonder men cheat" and that's the final straw for me.

Still haven't got results back from my covid test but once I do I'll be getting my ducks in a row.

He gets better and better.

Throw him back in. If any other woman wants to saddle herself with this horrible whinging pissant, that's her problem.

JustLyra · 30/09/2021 18:18

So he's been getting looked after while he was ill and now that you are in need of some care he's engineered a situation where he's in a huff and you don't get any of the care and looking after that he did? Charming.

I'm glad you're getting your ducks in a row. He's a selfish prick with absolutely no care or respect for you.

Treacletoots · 30/09/2021 18:23

What an utterly disgusting prick. Sounds just like my exH who would go and stay at his mother's if I was ill so he didn't have to look after me. Amongst lots of other selfish horrible behaviour.

That's why he's an ex. So sorry you're having to deal with this OP. I'd be mixing some chilli with lube and offering him a hand job, but I'm a bit evil like that.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2021 18:25

Please keep posting op, even if this takes weeks.

I am 💯 sure he will only get worse, more and more narcisstic and selfish. Seen it so many times. My fil now can not see his own blame in anything at all, everything is someone else's fault. He's always the victim. Like your husband.

Like the 'I can see why men cheat' line. An attempt to make you feel bad, like you're the one who's done something wrong. You haven't.

Be strong op, do this, and good luck.

Something to be very very grateful for (in this situation) is that you have no children yet. Do not cave. He will try every trick in his book to keep you.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2021 18:29

Amd one more thing. You can't explain to him what he's done wrong. However gently and eloquently you try. He won't get it. Doesn't have the self awareness. So, as you're talking, he won't really be listening, just thinking of his defense.

scarpa · 30/09/2021 18:32

[quote TintinIsBack]@scarpa, I get where you are coming from.

I would say though that if he wasn’t in the mood for sex when he was ill, then he has no business to expect his partner to be in the mood for sex when SHE is ill.

So it would be interesting to see if he was that keen when he was also ill (I’m thinking about your comment ‘i’ll still be up for it with a massive headache etc…’)[/quote]
A very good point. And reading OP's other messages I think unfortunately he's just an irredeemable knobhead. It's also true, as a few other PPs have pointed out in relation to my post, that he wasn't looking for mutually enjoyable sex - which would also suggest that even if he is like I was, in being unable to empathise with why she wasn't up for it, he's also not necessarily seeking connection and relationship-affirming sex at all, just gratification for himself. Selfish prick!

CousinKrispy · 30/09/2021 18:48

I'm sorry he's turning out to be such a dickhead, OP.

You're being very strong and sensible for seeing this as unacceptable--you're absolutely right. I'm sure it will hurt a lot to end this relationship, but someday you can look back on it as an experience you've learned from, and move on to something better.

take care

billy1966 · 30/09/2021 18:54

@JustLyra

I'm glad you're getting your ducks in a row. He's a selfish prick with absolutely no care or respect for you.

Completely deliberate on his behalf to avoid looking after the OP.

Utter scum.

toocold54 · 30/09/2021 19:05

I would simply tell him you won’t be giving him a blowjob but you’ll be expecting oral sex and then sulk if he doesn’t give it to you (only half joking). But considering you’re feeling unwell would he not just please you without needing anything in return?

Honestly I don’t mind giving blowjobs but if a man ever sulked because he couldn’t have one then it would make me feel sick and I’d never touch him again.

You also don’t need to have reasons why you don’t want to have sex/give blowjobs. A simple ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘no’ should be enough.

LittleBearPad · 30/09/2021 19:07

There are no words!

scarpa · 30/09/2021 19:10

@Pemba

scarpa that was a very honest and interesting post. You explain your perspective well. Do you mind me asking if you are female and your partners male? Just because it most often seems to be men who react like this, seeing sex as intimacy and feeling rejected when their partner is not in the mood, so it is interesting that it can happen the other way round.

I do think that the OP's situation goes beyond that though, it is so extremely unempathetic to be demanding a blowjob of a newly sick and bereaved partner. He shouldn't be 'demanding' anyway - he sounds awful. Also that it is a blowjob he wants rather than sex makes it worse - he doesn't even want intimacy, he wants to be serviced and feels entitled to it. Surely anyone should realise that the 'giver' of oral sex is usually getting little out of it, other than the pleasure of giving pleasure I suppose, so this should make them more sensitive about asking.

I think really that there are a lot of people (more often men) who will not be interested in cuddles and other loving forms of intimacy, the only way they feel they can connect is through sex. Which is sad.

Agreed - I've just commented above that your post made me think and when I have been that way in the past, it was always about me seeking something mutually enjoyable. I didn't understand why they wouldn't always find it mutually enjoyable, sure, but it was never just about me getting off - I was selfish in my comprehension, but not the acts itself. OP's husband is being selfish all round.

And yes, I'm female and my partners have been predominantly male. Cod biology perhaps, but I have quite high testosterone for someone female, and I have sometimes wondered if that's why my sex drive is so high (and so...male seeming? Obvious a HUGE generalisation, though). Interesting you mention about other types and forms of intimacy - the partner who so graciously got me to catch on about what a bonehead I was being suggested I learn how to ask for what I actually wanted. And often, physical intimacy that wasn't sex fulfilled the need and was respectful of what my partner wanted. Learning to identify emotional cravings vs basic physical "I want the release of an orgasm" made me happier overall and a MUCH better partner.

I don't know if - again, very sweeping generalisation - a lot of men already well in adulthood have been taught that level of emotional introspection.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 19:13

I've just tried to have a conversation with him and he said "not going to do it but no wonder men cheat" and that's the final straw for me.

What an absolute cunt, ugh.

I'm really sorry you've had such a tough time recently, worked your arse off and he's speaking to you like you're a sex doll that shouldn't have a voice.

What he's said since he first made the comment after his shower has made this worse and worse.

He's fucking vile. You're well shot of this one OP, decent blokes don't speak to their partners like that ever.

'No wonder men cheat' tells you everything about how he really feels about sex. He sees it as something men do to women, that women let men do to them... rather than seeing it as a mutually enjoyable experience of two equal adults.

He sees women as the gatekeepers to sex and there's an incel inside him wanting to jump out and say how unfair it is that is nasty women don't want to bang or give blow jobs on demand. Just bleurgh.

blubberyboo · 30/09/2021 19:19

Leave him

Decent men don’t silk because they don’t get a blow job when they demand it

blubberyboo · 30/09/2021 19:19

Sulk*

Sparkletastic · 30/09/2021 19:31

He needs to leave. What a vile excuse for a man.

me4real · 30/09/2021 19:41

The 'no wonder men cheat' thing is a classic of sexually coercive men @erin48 .

ALongHardWinter · 30/09/2021 20:02

Sorry OP,but he sounds like a total dick

AndStand · 30/09/2021 20:11

@toolazytothinkofausername

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

WTAF?!? How did you marry a man you were not sexually compatible with?!? Surely before the wedding he must have at some point said he liked blow jobs and you should have told him you didn't like blow jobs?!?

And that's what you've gleaned from the OP's posts? In your own words....WTAF?!

There's a big difference between a blowjob DURING a mutually loving lovemaking session, and one where he's demanding to be serviced.
Or can't you see the difference?
Unbelievable.

toocold54 · 30/09/2021 20:33

The 'no wonder men cheat' thing is a classic of sexually coercive men

I totally agree!
It’s to plant the seed in OPs mind thinking that if she doesn’t do what he wants it will force him to cheat on her.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/09/2021 20:41

Fucking hell op. What a cunt.

hereforthechat · 30/09/2021 20:42

You keep saying it's "only" blowjobs he acts like this with. What you fail to appreciate is that's plenty for him to officially be an a-hole! You need to run. Please don't have children with him. This will be a million times worse for you when you also have kids to look after and it will be harder to leave at that point.

hereforthechat · 30/09/2021 20:58

"No wonder men cheat" oh wow!! I'm speechless. This would be bad enough in normal circumstances but given you potentially have a deadly virus and your uncle died!! I mean what the actual F!! I am ordering for you that you leave him. I'm already feeling sorry for the next woman he ends up with! Wow.

hereforthechat · 30/09/2021 20:58

Praying even not ordering

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 22:12

You poor thing op. With some of these men it’s no coincidence this reality comes out just when your at a real low point and need support- it’s both their inability to be the giver and the blindingly obvious comparison between how you treat them and how they treat you. I hope you get better quickly to make plans. And I hope ‘we can’t afford you to take sick leave but give me a blow job now’ enjoys getting by on his own salary

Original poster

erin48 · 30/09/2021 22:28

All he's doing is swearing at me calling me a prick when I try and talk about why he said that to me "no wonder men cheat" he said it's because he's unhappy, he can never talk to me about what's bothering him. He said he meant men in their 40s, I said what? He said I'd of had enough by then anyway. I asked him "just for confirmation you're saying women like me are why men cheat?" He said "yes" I burst into tears and walked away and he said "it's a combination of things not just the sex" I've just walked away and come to bed, I feel very worthless. I already have anxiety and depression but try and keep my head above water, hold down a full time job and try my hardest to be a good wife. I'm a kind person, I am better than this. Hopefully I manage to find some self worth and confidence that he's shattered and leave x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 16 17 18

Swipe left for the next trending thread