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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH is sulking over sex

443 replies

erin48 · 29/09/2021 22:05

This is so embarrassing to post as I feel like I'm in the wrong here but I need some opinions.

DH loves blowjobs, I don't hate them, don't enjoy them but I will do it because he enjoys it.

The last few months have been difficult. I had an early miscarriage (DH was nothing but supportive during this time). Then he has been completely wiped out with covid for the past 2 weeks.

Due to being double vaccinated, I am still working, my boss and colleagues are aware he has it. He's been sleeping in the spare room and contact has been minimal.

Then, my uncle died unexpectedly Monday night, I received the sad news on Tuesday morning.

Today, on our temperature check upon entrance into the office mine was a little high and I'd woke up with a headache. My boss told me to keep an eye on my temperature and 2 hours later, it was flashing amber with a temperature of 38.7. My boss sent me home and asked for me to have a test done ASAP. I went straight to the local drive through test centre and I am waiting for results.

His first reaction to this was "you can't not work for 10 days, we can't lose the money". Then tonight he's got out of the shower and asked me for a blow job knowing that since about 5pm I've had a sore throat and feel shivery. I said no, now he's sulking and has ruined our evening catching up on a couple of tv shows we watch together.

I said to him "I feel rough" and he said "we don't have to have sex we can do other things you know" in a shitty tone.

My uncle has passed away unexpectedly, DH has had covid so I've been doing everything whilst he has been wiped out with it and now I suspect my test is going to come back positive, I feel fluey and do not want to have sex or give him a blow job! I'm not in the mood and I feel shite, mentally and physically.

He does this every now and then as I suspect he's not happy with the amount he gets.

How do I handle this? He always has a smart arse response ready for when I try and defend myself.

OP posts:

PearLime · 30/09/2021 16:44

@erin48

Thank you for everyone's input I appreciate all of the opinions, advice, support and different perspectives.

I've just tried to have a conversation with him and he said "not going to do it but no wonder men cheat" and that's the final straw for me.

Still haven't got results back from my covid test but once I do I'll be getting my ducks in a row.

Good for you OP.

Him saying that about cheating is just more coercion to make you scared he will cheat and get you back in line.

Glad you're getting your ducks in a row, vile vile man.

Original poster

erin48 · 30/09/2021 16:45

@PearLime a bit ashamed of myself but I told him to fuck off and said he is more than welcome to go find somebody else.

I'm so angry now I feel like I could throw something at him.

OP posts:

Horst · 30/09/2021 16:49

Eugh you know he will cheat when he uses that line. What a loser all over a blowjob.

lwaxana · 30/09/2021 16:50

@scarpa makes good points about feeling of rejection and how someone could have a very different perspective on the role/appropriateness/importance of sex to the health of a relationship if their own desire transcends emotional and physical pain.

However, this does not seem to be a case of someone misreading the situation due to their own preferences/perspectives out of a misguided sense of offering closeness or comfort or pleasure. In this instance, he wanted something that he knew to be gratifying only to him and that she disliked at this best of times, let alone when unwell and grieving.

A similar thing goes for championing sexual spontaneity. There's a time and a place for that in some relationships for mutually pleasurable acts. That was patently not the time for any sexual spontaneity, let alone for something that shouldn't ever be part of spontaneous play because the OP doesn't like doing it. Even if the comments were genuinely meant for another commenter and not the OP, flying the flag for blow jobs and spontaneity in more general terms just wasn't necessary or appropriate in the context of discussing a specific relationship with strong signs of coercive abuse. Is the lure of winning an argument with a stranger online really worth the possible risk of someone else having abuse normalised as collateral damage from that discussion?

RandomMess · 30/09/2021 16:54

I'm so sad for you that him getting a BJ on demand is more important than all you have together.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/09/2021 17:16

He’s disgusting, I’d honestly stand in front of him with my mouth open and tell him to sexually assault me against my consent, I’d then tell him we are getting divorced.

I wouldn’t even be putting my ducks in a row, I’d be demanding he move out or I would as simply a man with this twisted entitlement of his wife’s body should be alone and seeing a sexual therapist/jail

billy1966 · 30/09/2021 17:17

Thank goodness you can finally see him clearly.

He is scum.

You deserve better.

Keep posting.

Pemba · 30/09/2021 17:19

Wow what a piece of work he is. He actually thinks he is in the right! So so sorry that you found out how disgusting he is when you're at a low ebb. You've done nothing wrong OP, hope you're OK.

isthisfishy · 30/09/2021 17:21

Do it..... and bite the fucker off!

mbosnz · 30/09/2021 17:22

How the hell did he think his attitude and behaviour from go to whoa in this, was ever going to play out into you giving him his pathetic little blowjob?

I'm so glad you're leaving him. You sound worth so much more than such a self centred, coercive, little prick.

nahnahna · 30/09/2021 17:26

Do not stay and try to have any children with this man, can you imagine being pregnant vulnerable and feeling unwell and he's demanding a Bj.

Run away

Thehop · 30/09/2021 17:27

He is fucking awful. I couldn’t respect someone who saw women as wank socks/blow job providers either op. Good luck

LowlandLucky · 30/09/2021 17:27

He is acting like a 14 year old boy. Tell him to either eff off or grow up

Anonymous48 · 30/09/2021 17:34

Some posters are saying that it's perfectly normal for a man to randomly ask for a blow job out of the blue. It really isn't, at least not in my experience. I can't imagine my husband doing so, and I have a hard time believing that I'd be up for it at that second. It's completely different if there's already been some physical contact, kissing, etc.

ChargingBuck · 30/09/2021 17:35

[quote erin48]@PearLime a bit ashamed of myself but I told him to fuck off and said he is more than welcome to go find somebody else.

I'm so angry now I feel like I could throw something at him. [/quote]
No shame on you Erin.

He had conditioned you to believe it's acceptable for a man to demand a blow job like he's ordering a bag of chips. In fact he'd probably be more polite in a chip shop - he might say please & thank you ... he treats you like a vending machine that he expects to perform a mechanical function at his whim, not a human.

I want to throw something at the manipulative, petulant twat too. He seems to have no consideration for your feelings, & talks to you like you are just there to earn money ("you can't go off sick" FFS) & provide sexual release to him on demand.

Twatterati · 30/09/2021 17:43

Urghhhh, sulking is such a huge turn-off, and the fact you feel you might be to blame indicate that this is fairly entrenched behaviour on his part.

He's treating you like an object that's there for his pleasure. It's especially disgusting because you're feeling unwell. A decent response to your illness would be to look after you, not hassle you to 'perform' and then sulk when you don't, making you feel guilty.

This will only get worse OP, trust me. My ex-h was the same and I felt so guilty so often, performed under duress too often too. One day I just clicked that he actually had NO respect for me and ended things.

Please don't let him continue to treat you this way, you are worth more and you deserve more.

speakout · 30/09/2021 17:53

*Some posters are saying that it's perfectly normal for a man to randomly ask for a blow job out of the blue. It really isn't, at least not in my experience. I can't imagine my husband doing so, and I have a hard time believing that I'd be up for it at that second. It's completely different if there's already been some physical contact, kissing, etc.

I agree.

takenforgrantednana · 30/09/2021 18:02