Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

267 replies

Whatamoraldilema · 28/09/2021 13:23

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 28/09/2021 13:25

Tricky... It's completely reasonable but I do have hiding things from my DH. However, if one of my siblings had explicitly asked me to then I wouldn't have a problem with it and I'd definitely keep it to myself.

ReeseWitherfork · 28/09/2021 13:25

Hate* hiding things

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 13:26

Yes, I think it's fine as it isn't her information to share, but you will get lots of people saying that couples should be able to tell each other everything, even if that includes confidential info about other people. And your dsis could be one of those people who thinks she has a right to share everything with her spouse.

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 13:27

I guess the only difficulty might be something that was really upsetting for your dsis to deal with herself. It wouldn't be fair to tell her but deny her the right to get support for herself.

goawayalcg · 28/09/2021 13:28

I think it's reasonable to want to be able to tell someone something without them telling their partner, but probably an unrealistic request. My DH and I have been together 20 years and are probably too attached, but really don't know how to not tell him stuff. Stupid, I know, but it always drips out somehow.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 13:28

Is it something upsetting that she’d likely want his support in dealing with?

Why don’t you want him to know?

I’m very close to my sister. If she explicitly asked me not to tell DH something I’d respect it, as I’m sure would she vice versa, but it’s never happened yet. We trust each other’s husbands as we do each other and if something was up with either of our children we’d share it.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 13:29

Agree with Alexa.

If a friend told me to keep it private but her and DH are having problems in the bedroom / contemplating divorce / want a baby etc it's easy to keep the confidence because there's no emotional toll.

If a friend told me to keep it private but she was dying of cancer, I wouldn't want to go to her with my emotions but I'd need someone

Orangejuicemarathoner · 28/09/2021 13:30

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 13:33

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both
Why?
HerRoyalNotness · 28/09/2021 13:35

I’ve had a friend tell me something and asked me not to tell H. I never have, 9yrs later. I actually can’t remember now what it was she told me. But no, the spouse doesn’t have a right to know other people’s business

Movingsoon21 · 28/09/2021 13:39

I think it’s fine. I told my best friend I was pregnant very early on but asked her not to tell her husband as I’m not as close to him and he’s part of a wider friendship group and I didn’t want to risk it getting out.

He had no right to know the information, it didn’t affect him in any way and tbf if all went well he would find out 8 weeks later anyway. But if things hadn’t gone well, why would he have the right to know details about my miscarriage? That’s not my friend’s information to share

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 13:41

I would never dream of telling my dh something that I had been told in confidence.
Dh and I are very close but we are 2 separate people!

PinkFootstool · 28/09/2021 13:41

It depends. If it's about his Christmas presents, his sexuality, a non-critical or non-terminal medical diagnosis or something similarly private (for different reasons) then fair enough.

If it's something that your sister will need support with, such as a serious illness that she will be supporting you with, then YABU.

StrawBeretMoose · 28/09/2021 13:42

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both
I disagree. DH and I are married but we're not the same person and if someone tells me something in confidence I would respect it and so would he.

Same with my parents, I can tell my dad something in confidence and know it will stay that way.
I know he doesn't tell my mum because she's not so good at keeping things confidential.

I actually told a friend something personal recently and he asked if it was okay to tell his wife, so no assumption that he just would go ahead.

dudsville · 28/09/2021 13:44

I think the rules of the couple trump family. Our partners should be offered the position of being our greatest confidante. But not everyone's relationship is up to that, so, to answer your question, it depends.

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 13:45

@Orangejuicemarathoner

So if you were one of my friends and I told you something horrendous that had happened to me and that I had ptsd you’d tell your dh?

This happened to me and I told 3 of my best friends who all kept my confidence and to this day hardly anyone knows what happened. I’d have been distraught if they had told anyone at the time and would be feel upset/awkward if they told them years later.

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 13:45

These threads come up on MN from time to time. There is always a core of people who see couples as a single entity, and that people cannot possibly be expected not to share other people's confidential information with their spouse or partner. I find it very disrespectful personally, but it's better to know that some people just aren't trustworthy and you can then edit what you tell them accordingly.

SickAndTiredAgain · 28/09/2021 13:45

I think it depends if it’s something that, now she knows it, she’ll be required to outright lie to her husband about it. As opposed to something she could just not mention.

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 13:46

@dudsville

See my post above - how you react if you were my friend? Would sharing everything with your dh trump a best friend’s mental health?

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 13:46

@dudsville

I think the rules of the couple trump family. Our partners should be offered the position of being our greatest confidante. But not everyone's relationship is up to that, so, to answer your question, it depends.
That's fair enough when you are sharing your own personal stuff. We are talking about sharing other people's information. It's different.
Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 13:49

Being forced to lie to your dh is very different from keeping a confidence from him.

People who share everything with dh, do you share confidential things from work too? Or just other friends and family?

a8mint · 28/09/2021 13:52

I think i would have framed it, 'i want to yell you something about x , but it must go no further, is that ok?'
Its never fair to spill the beans and tgen expect the next person not to.

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2021 13:53

I keep lots of confidences from my husband. I trust him completely but if it’s not my information to share then I don’t.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2021 13:53

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both
I'd really hate to have you as a friend! Why on earth do you think your husband should know your friends' and relations' secrets?
worriedatthemoment · 28/09/2021 13:55

Just because im married I don't need to tel my dh everything and certainly not other peoples secrets or confidential info unless its safeguarding or would be something ti put us at risk as a family or the person etc