To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

[Whatamoraldilema]

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

I frequently know things that I don't share with my husband.
Sometimes I will tell him things that I think might interest him but I make it clear to him that he's not meant to know so that he doesn't bring it up with the person and embarrass them.
But if someone specifically says don't tell you DH - then I don't tell him. It's not my news to share with him.

I think it would be polite to ask the person first whether they were happy to keep it confidential from their partner. Otherwise you could put them in a tricky position.

That said, there's a couple of things friends have told me in confidence which I haven't told DH and it doesn't bother me as they're not things which could impact him in any way. If they were I'd be uneasy about it to say the least.

@110APiccadilly

I think it would be polite to ask the person first whether they were happy to keep it confidential from their partner. Otherwise you could put them in a tricky position.

That said, there's a couple of things friends have told me in confidence which I haven't told DH and it doesn't bother me as they're not things which could impact him in any way. If they were I'd be uneasy about it to say the least.

This sounds like out of all the confidential things I've been told, I've only kept a couple from DH - I meant I've only been told a couple of confidential things (that I can think of) and I've kept them from DH!

I don't tell DH anything. DM keeps saying to me "don't tell DH", why would I?

So yet another thread that confirms that my decision not to share my worries with people, is the right one.

I never tell dh anything my sister told me, if he asks I always tell him to ask her.

If she wants him to know he will tell her.

Sorry, she will tell him!

@IWillFindYou

What’s up with this ”burden” thing? How many people actually have such devastating lives, that the listener need help and guidance?

I think most people have gone through some difficult times. On the top of my head, I have friends who

• have been victim of DV and lost a child due to that
• lost a baby full term
• had issue during childbirth leading to PTSD
• a child with autism getting violent

Sometimes, it’s not that few people have gone through something ‘devastating’. Its that people don’t talk about it.

I think people who HAVE to tell their partner everything are not secure enough in their own mind or relationship.

For me, it’s not that I have to tell my partner everything, just that there’s nothing that I wouldn’t tell him.
I’m sure there’s lots of things I haven’t mentioned over the years, but nothing I’ve purposely kept from him.

I have kept and would keep other people's confidences from my DH but in general am rather against secrets.

I didn’t tell my sister something as I felt it would be too hard to ask her not to tell her husband as well (and he’s a sharer). When she eventually found out she was really hurt.

I don't mind if someone shares something with me in confidence but if you know the other person isn't like that, then yes it's unfair to say it to them.

I wouldn't tell my dh stuff that isn't my information to share or any of his business, especially if the person told me not to. DH and I share so many things and there's nothing we don't know about each other but even he wouldn't ask or want me to tell him someone else's private information. I can simply tell him I can't say because it's private and he'll understand what I mean. It's different if it would affects us though and he knows I wouldn't keep such from him.

I'm probably a 'bag full of secrets' at this point because friends and family always tell me stuff they don't want others to know and till this day, I still have some private info of 2 people who used to be close to me but shared mine. I just can't do it out of spite.

I don't see why not, they are still individual people after all.

I only wouldn't expect this if it was something that would be awkward for her to keep from him. If it was something private re myself or my child I would not expect my sister to share with her husband if I had asked her not to.

So do you tell your DH everything your friends tell you? What they had for dinner? That they've got a bit of a headache? That they're trying to decide whether to paint their walls magnolia or Jasmine white?

Or is it just the juicy stuff?

@saraclara I tell him whatever happens to come up in conversation. So if we’re having chicken for tea and Leah had chicken for lunch, I could well mention that. If we’re thinking of redecorating and Ben is choosing between two colours I’ll bring that up.

We tell each other pretty much everything, from the mundane to the “exciting”.

Of course YANBU.

I have often been told things in confidence by friends and I wouldn't dream of telling my husband.

It's NONE of his business, to tell him would feel like gossiping about my friend.

I wouldn't dream of doing it.

I think people who can't keep a secret are very strange.

Now if it was something like my friends husband is beating the hell out of her and I was worried for her and very upset, then I'm not so sure.

But regular "her private business", then no, I wouldn't dream of repeating it.

As long as its something that does not impact on him in any way then I think this is okay.

@seaandsandcastles

So do you tell your DH everything your friends tell you? What they had for dinner? That they've got a bit of a headache? That they're trying to decide whether to paint their walls magnolia or Jasmine white?

Or is it just the juicy stuff?

@saraclara I tell him whatever happens to come up in conversation. So if we’re having chicken for tea and Leah had chicken for lunch, I could well mention that. If we’re thinking of redecorating and Ben is choosing between two colours I’ll bring that up.

We tell each other pretty much everything, from the mundane to the “exciting”.

I can't imagine my husband giving a tiny rats arse that Leah had chicken for lunch, sometimes silence is better than inanity.

I can't imagine my husband giving a tiny rats arse that Leah had chicken for lunch, sometimes silence is better than inanity.

@Chikapu Christ I’d hate to be in your house 😂

We chat about anything and everything, because we enjoy talking to each other

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both
Hugely disagree.
If my friend d tells me something private that's what it is.
I'm not keep secrets by not telling Dh because it's not my story.
In the recent thread about this ( last week) I told how tling stories to a partner put my colleagues friend in serious domestic violence danger because colleague thought you had to tell your partner everything. Idiot!

@seaandsandcastles

I can't imagine my husband giving a tiny rats arse that Leah had chicken for lunch, sometimes silence is better than inanity.

@Chikapu Christ I’d hate to be in your house 😂

We chat about anything and everything, because we enjoy talking to each other

We enjoy talking to each other too but christ alive, Leah had chicken for lunch isn't interesting to anyone but Leah.

@110APiccadilly

I think it would be polite to ask the person first whether they were happy to keep it confidential from their partner. Otherwise you could put them in a tricky position.

That said, there's a couple of things friends have told me in confidence which I haven't told DH and it doesn't bother me as they're not things which could impact him in any way. If they were I'd be uneasy about it to say the least.

Conversations don't ways work like that though. Some of the deepest conversations I've had with friends have started lightly and then something is said and they disclose something and we talk and then at the end they say but please don't tell anyone. I wouldn't dream of saying "well of course I'm going home to tell Jeff!!"

How does not telling your spouse something they don't need to know anyway mean you shouldn't be married?

It doesn’t mean you have to repeat everything, just that there are no secrets if asked. Would you think having a secret personal bank account is healthy in a marriage? It’s like that. You can have one but it’s not a secret.

Everytime this topic comes up I think that some of you are really really shit friends. The lack of integrity is appalling. It’s telling that most of the ‘I tell my dh everything’ brigade don’t proactively tell their friends they do so, they just think the friends should expect/assume/know they do. The real reason of course is that they’re afraid of missing out on something juicy that the friend wouldn’t tell them if they knew it would be blabbed to the dh.

If you want to tell your dh everything about you (which I presume includes the size, colour and consistency of your every shit, as obviously not telling him that would mean you’d be withholding something from that and ye are so close and special and a single unit so of course you’d want to tell him…) go right ahead, but telling him things a friend has told you in confidence is abhorrent.

I once ended a friendship over this. A friend of mine blabbed a confidence to her DH, in front of me, laughing about it and brushing off my objections with “oh it’s only dh, he’s not going to tell anyone”. I walked out of her house that night and haven’t spoken to her since. And before anyone asks, it wasn’t something heavy or traumatic that she would have needed support for, it was something positive yet deeply personal and she had no right to go bleating to her dh about it.

@Chikapu. Great rely! And so true!

Ha. I had chocolate mouse for lunch. Let’s see how interesting your husband finds that. (I’ll give you a hint. Bet he doesn’t give one tiny rats arse!)

Everytime this topic comes up I think that some of you are really really shit friends. The lack of integrity is appalling. It’s telling that most of the ‘I tell my dh everything’ brigade don’t proactively tell their friends they do so

And I don't believe for a minute that the people in this thread who say they tell their friends that they will tell their husbands, are being truthful.

I have never once had anyone say, when I've asked for confidentiality "okay, but I will tell my husband"