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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

267 replies

Whatamoraldilema · 28/09/2021 13:23

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2021 13:56

I think it’s fine to have confidential information with friends. I don’t tell my dh everything my friends tell me

EmeraldShamrock · 28/09/2021 13:56

Of course, your Dsis is entitled to privacy with other relationships it doesn't concern him in any way.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2021 13:57

My best friend has told me things before and asked me not to mention it to anyone (including my DH) I don't see an issue, it's not my life that I'm keeping secret from him, it's something about someone elses life, not my place to share that with anyone and he wouldn't be bothered. I'm sure his friends over the years have told him stuff about their personal business that he's not told me, it doesn't effect me in anyway so, what's the problem?

worriedatthemoment · 28/09/2021 13:59

Bit concerned that some feel their dh needs to know everything , I mean im not sure mine would even want to know if my mate had an affair or something
I mean if its to do with us then yes no secrets but if someone elses info then thats up to them to decide who knows.
I mean i make decisions without my dh as well too at times , we are two people not one .

westcountryboy · 28/09/2021 14:00

I think it's completely batshit to treat you and your partner/spouse as a single entity and demand everything is shared.

I would hate to have a friend who would go back and tell their partner my personal stuff and would never do the same in reverse.

I think an exception is possibly if you've been told something traumatic or upsetting and it would be harmful to not be able to share that with anyone. Even then though, I'd be considering if there was someone else I could talk to in a confidential way that would not betray my friend.

MakingM · 28/09/2021 14:01

It's reasonable to ask; I wouldn't expect it to happen.

If my sibling told me to keep something secret, I would expect her to know I would tell my husband - if I remembered about it and if it were a "family" thing I thought he should be aware of.

I'm afraid my closeness to my spouse became greater than my closeness to my siblings when I married DH and had children with him. We tend to discuss things, especially family things.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2021 14:03

@MakingM - don't you think it would be respectful to your sibling or friend to ask whether she minded you talking to your husband about it? If she was given the choice, you might find she'd decide not to talk to you about it.

annacondom · 28/09/2021 14:05

I think you should be able to tell someone something and ask them not to pass it on, but depending on what it is. E.g, I have a boil on my bum and I'm telling you about it, and I don't really want your DH to know about it. You won't be lying to your DH and he will be unaware of my problem. However, if your DH was to ask "what's up with Anna? Why is she not sitting down?" you'd have to say, "Ask her!"
But if it's about something serious that affects him, I'd want permission to tell him and I think it's unfair to expect someone to keep it from their DP.

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 14:07

@MakingM

It's reasonable to ask; I wouldn't expect it to happen.

If my sibling told me to keep something secret, I would expect her to know I would tell my husband - if I remembered about it and if it were a "family" thing I thought he should be aware of.

I'm afraid my closeness to my spouse became greater than my closeness to my siblings when I married DH and had children with him. We tend to discuss things, especially family things.

It has nothing to do with how close you are. Being close to your spouse doesn't require you to disrespect the privacy of other people.
AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 14:08

@MakingM

It's reasonable to ask; I wouldn't expect it to happen.

If my sibling told me to keep something secret, I would expect her to know I would tell my husband - if I remembered about it and if it were a "family" thing I thought he should be aware of.

I'm afraid my closeness to my spouse became greater than my closeness to my siblings when I married DH and had children with him. We tend to discuss things, especially family things.

I assume that you tell all of your friends and family that you're unable to keep anything confidential so that they know not to trust you?
westcountryboy · 28/09/2021 14:09

@MakingM

It's reasonable to ask; I wouldn't expect it to happen.

If my sibling told me to keep something secret, I would expect her to know I would tell my husband - if I remembered about it and if it were a "family" thing I thought he should be aware of.

I'm afraid my closeness to my spouse became greater than my closeness to my siblings when I married DH and had children with him. We tend to discuss things, especially family things.

Why does that relationship trump all others though? I love my partner very much, we're very close and happy. He's not necessarily always the most important relationship in my life though. Sometimes a sibling might really need me or a close friend. This is why people get so pissed off with some friends in couples because they lose their own identity and sometimes personality.
LaBellina · 28/09/2021 14:11

Yes ofcourse. You have an independent relationship with your sibling and your DH is not automatically entitled to know everything that you discuss with her about her personal matters. I wouldn’t dream of telling my DH of some private info my friends have entrusted me with and I would feel very uncomfortable sharing very private info with my friends if I knew they would share it with their DP/DH.

JudgeJ · 28/09/2021 14:11

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both

What an odd idea that telling one person you've told both!

user1471554720 · 28/09/2021 14:12

Would you all go off and tell confidential work business to your dhs??? I bet THEY don't tell you every single thing. They know how to keep their jobs.

I would hate to think that my GP would go off and tell their partner everything, just because they can"t keep their trap shut A sign of immaturity, feeling the need to tell your spouse every bit of gossip.

I feel I can't trust some of my female friends. I feel that if I tell them anything, it will go straight back to their dhs. I don't tell them anything anymore. It has changed the relationship to a more superficial one, but they have their dhs, don't need anyone else.

Sally872 · 28/09/2021 14:12

I would expect my dsis to keep a confidence if someone very private. However if it was something worrying or upsetting about ds I could understand her telling her dh if she needed support or advice/opinion. In my family my sister's dh is family and I would trust him

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/09/2021 14:14

It's fine .
Something told in confidence means don't tell anyone.

Weepingwillows12 · 28/09/2021 14:14

In most cases, I think it's fine if it's a personal matter to them. If it impacts on your DH in any way then no not really fair. As an example someone once told me they were having an affair. The person cheating at the time was dating my dh's best mate. I don't think it was fair to put me in that position as I was being complicit in something I knew would upset my DH. I didn't tell him but I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought.

mocah · 28/09/2021 14:14

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both
100% agree with this, or else don't tell them.
SuperstarDog · 28/09/2021 14:19

I’d probably tell my partner, but there’s no one in the world I’m as close to as him. I may feel differently if I was very close to my sibling or friends if it was a friend, but I’m not. He wouldn’t tell anyone though, if I thought he would then there’s no way I would share stuff with him.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2021 14:21

I don't tell my husband confidential information. Sometimes my job involved interpreting counselling sessions/hospital appointments and police work. The only information I'd tell was where I was working that day and what time I'd be finished. I don't need to tell hubby everything also he wouldn't even want to know.

dryasaboner · 28/09/2021 14:21

There are some right weirdos on here. Firstly turning down invites to social events that dont extend to your spouse/kids, now you literally have to tell your spouse EVERYTHING! And if you do believe you are actually two separate people your marriage isn't 'up to it' wtaffff

MakingM · 28/09/2021 14:22

[quote HollowTalk]@MakingM - don't you think it would be respectful to your sibling or friend to ask whether she minded you talking to your husband about it? If she was given the choice, you might find she'd decide not to talk to you about it.[/quote]
Not really. I have told friends "secrets" - granted, nothing earth shattering, but I always assume that anything interesting or useful I say will be shared with their partner.

I think it is up to person who wants to burden you with a share of their secret to make sure they are clear about what they are asking for before they tell you anything. Like: is this a "Don't tell DP secret" or a "Don't tell the other siblings secret" or simply just a "Don't make it public knowledge secret". Not all secrets are "Take this to your death bed secrets".

My siblings and friends always have the option of telling other people their secrets instead of me and they are very welcome to do so. In the main, I know they generally consider me good at keeping their secrets so it's not something I worry about - well I've never been accused of not keeping one and they keep telling me them!

SirChenjins · 28/09/2021 14:24

Of course it's reasonable - been married to DH for almost 28 years but I'm not involved in some mind meld with him where he needs to know everything I know (and vice versa).

dryasaboner · 28/09/2021 14:24

@MakingM but you don't keep their secrets as you rush off and tell your DH. I wonder if they will ever find out how little integrity you have

BurntO · 28/09/2021 14:25

Everyone should be allowed privacy however having someone’s secret can also be a burden