To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

[Whatamoraldilema]

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

@TintinIsBack

The poster above used the word gossip. I think I would tell my dh that a friend or family member is struggling and my dh would support me if necessary but that doesn’t mean he needs to know the details. I could tell dh something had triggered me without divulging someone’s secret.
If someone was in danger that would be different but the examples I’ve used are ones where I can only imagine gossip would be the reason why dh would need to know details.

‘TryingAndFailing39 is struggling with something personal which is why I’ve spent a bit more time with her’.

‘TryingAndFailing39 was on the phone for a while because she had something she needed to get off her chest’.

Those are ok and very different to

‘TryingAndFailing39 came out as bisexual to me this evening’.

That’s pretty black and white. Friend’s dh doesn’t need to know that and there would be no excuse for telling him.

My friend had an abortion years ago and told me when she became pregnant. She wasn’t emotionally draining me but she disclosed a big secret. Tell me one reason why it would be appropriate to tell my dh?

I know a lot of things about a lot of people and dont discuss them with DH.

Why would you share everything?

When my friend was a victim of D&V, I spent quite a few weeks supporting her. It was about loosing the baby. It was also abiut supporting in finding her strength to leave.
It lasted a while and no way I could have got away with ‘it’s something hard’. Not with the level of involvement I had.

Plus tbh, i suspect he would worked everything out anyway just by being in the same room when I was on the phone with her (we had a flat then and not that much privacy)

Hard to talk about something that has triggered you wo talking about the trigger etc…

And of course it’s different from Anna came out bisexual today (even though Anna might well be happy for others to know. That’s why she came out!).

And that was my whole point.
Some stuff are clearly not to share and easy to not share with others. Sharing about Anna sexuality just for the sake of it is close to a gossip tbh.
And others not so much.

[quote pollymere]@TryingAndFailing39 Why not? We'd generally sit down and have a chat/gossip. It would probably come up in one of those.[/quote]
I’m trying to imagine opening up to a friend and then finding out they’d had a “chat/gossip” about me. They’d certainly no longer be a friend! if I knew someone was gossiping or chatting, not only would I not trust them but I’d let any mutual friends know they’re completely untrustworthy too.

@TintinIsBackIf you can't support someone through something that takes your time when your partner is around, then it's absolutely okay to say to that person "look, I know I said I wouldn't say anything to anyone. But I really can't hide it for much longer because I'm on the phone/messaging you so much, and DP is wondering what's going on. Can I have your permission to tell him the basics all that he understands why?"

Then the friend can choose whether she either steps back a bit from unloading on you, or let's him be party to the basics of the problem.

My late DH knew that my best friend was having some mental health issues. Friend was fine with him knowing that, and even suggested I tell him, because they recognised I was at home with him while counselling them on messenger.

But I didn't tell DH that my friend was suicidal at times. When I needed support with that, I called a helpline.

@AlexaShutUp

I guess the only difficulty might be something that was really upsetting for your dsis to deal with herself. It wouldn't be fair to tell her but deny her the right to get support for herself.

Yes, I agree with this

[quote saraclara]@TintinIsBackIf you can't support someone through something that takes your time when your partner is around, then it's absolutely okay to say to that person "look, I know I said I wouldn't say anything to anyone. But I really can't hide it for much longer because I'm on the phone/messaging you so much, and DP is wondering what's going on. Can I have your permission to tell him the basics all that he understands why?"

Then the friend can choose whether she either steps back a bit from unloading on you, or let's him be party to the basics of the problem.[/quote]
What's wrong with

Why are you on the phone so much to Jess?
Because Jess has some stuff going on and she needs my support.

Why does he need details?

I don’t understand why some people feel they have tell their partners everything. Why? I don’t believe my DH should be privy to my friends’ or relatives’ business; especially if they are confidences. If one partner is told a ‘secret’ why the hell should the other partner automatically be told?

If it was something very personal I wouldn’t tell DH even if I wasn’t explicitly asked not to. If I wanted support, I would discuss it with DS first, but possible to get this confidentially from a professional - in the cancer scenario for example. Wouldn’t expect or like my family member to share everything about me with their partner. If I knew that would happen I wouldn’t confide in them. For those that do, please tell the person and not to confide in you unless they don’t mind, as most people wouldn’t expect it to go further than their close friend or sibling.

Of course you can! If a friend or family member to,d me something and asked me not to tell anyone else I’d keep their confidence. Just because you’re married to someone you don’t have to share absolutely everything. If my DH’s sibling told him something and asked him not to tell me it wouldn’t bother me

As a DH myself, I think you can be pretty sure he doesn't want to know !:0)

@ivegotasongthatllget.. This absolutely!

Partners do not have the right to know other people's business. We have laws in this country that protect privacy.
What if in your job you heard something about someone you and your DH both know, would you feel you needed to tell him otherwise you are keeping secrets?
You have a right to ask up front for privacy and of your DS can't respect that, confide in someone who can.

@Sophicles

As a DH myself, I think you can be pretty sure he doesn't want to know !:0)

Well quite! If I was to tell my own DH everything that my friends tell me, he'd be bored bloody shitless! He does not need or want to hear me wittering on about Mandy on the next desk and her divorce. Just as I have no interest in Terry and his failing brakes.

@Sophicles

As a DH myself, I think you can be pretty sure he doesn't want to know !:0)

You mean you don't care that Leah had chicken for lunch? Just, wow!

@Sophicles

As a DH myself, I think you can be pretty sure he doesn't want to know !:0)

Yep, this is what I was saying back along the thread. It's not "keeping secrets" from your OH to not tell them something they probably have very little interest in about your friends/sister's personal life. I would say i tell my DH everything but by everything I mean everything he needs to or should know