Page 4 | To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

Whatamoraldilema · 2021-09-28T12:23:38+00:00

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 14:57

@WannabeMathematician

It is good for you to have those clear boundaries but not great for your friendships.
Your situation is extreme and totally understandable as to why you wouldn’t want to keep a secret again. But in general I think having trust in friendships is really crucial. Most friendships are not unhealthy and trust is a good thing.

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 14:58

@BrendaBubbles

What about work related stuff? No one seems to be able to say whether that counts……
If I told my husband stuff from work I’d lose my job!

Original poster

Whatamoraldilema · 28/09/2021 14:58

Thanks everyone - it's interesting to see people have such differences of opinion. I still can't decide if I was reasonable or not 😆.

OP posts:

Bobsyer · 28/09/2021 15:00

I think it’s fine.

I know things about my sister that would hideously embarrass her to know my husband knew about, and they wouldn’t change or enrich his life to know so I don’t share.

I don’t think this is any different.

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 15:00

@godmum56

I think that completely fair enough.
Ive heard things in my work that have made me come home and cry all evening. It’s fine for dh to know I am carrying a huge burden but not ok for me to tell him what.

Noworneverever · 28/09/2021 15:00

My Dsis will tell me things and expect me not to tell DH, I don't if she expressly states not to. But if I ever say for her to do the same it's not reciprocated. Such a double standard, but it is what it is, so now I tell her hardly anything and she moans about that.

gogohm · 28/09/2021 15:01

Depends what it is, something very personal then it's fine to keep a secret especially female issues.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/09/2021 15:02

To those saying they tell their husbands - why?

This genuinely perplexes me!

Ok I get that if your best friend told you she had cancer you'd be upset and need someone to talk to, but that's just one extreme example.

If your friend told you she was pregnant and considering a termination? Or that her husband was having an affair and she was contemplating how to deal with the situation? None of these examples affect either you or your husband so why on earth would you need to tell him?

godmum56 · 28/09/2021 15:03

@saraclara

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both

That is such bollocks. Have some respect for yourself. You're a person in your own right, as is your partner. This is not some test of a relationship "oh were so close I couldn't possibly keep anything from him. If you do, you can't possibly be as close as us"

But most of all have some respect for your friends and relatives. It's their stuff they've told you. You're not lying by not sharing it with your husband. You're just respecting their privacy.

People in jobs where confidentiality is paramount don't go telling their spouses official secrets or other people's medical information.

Just keep your mouth shut and stop using this ridiculous excuse to blab other people's troubles.

yes I am a person in my own right and that person has a right to the kind of marital partnership that I choose. people who know me well enough to confide in me know this and confide in me accepting it. so far as medical confidentiality goes ( i just answered this) I would say i had had a bad day because death/relapse and so on but no detail. Its intersting you mention the Official secrets act. My late husband had to sign this as part of a promotion at work. he came home and told me as it would be the first time either of us had had to keep a secret from the other and he wanted to be sure that I would be ok with it.

Gazelda · 28/09/2021 15:04

So do those who tell their spouse everything, even confidential info, think that their relationship is closer than those of us who wouldn't break a confidence?

My husband is my best friend, soulmate, rock etc etc. I am currently privy to 2 bits of info that I've been asked to keep confidential. Neither affect him. Neither affect our home life. I trust him 100% and know that if I did tell him it'd go no further.

Does that mean my marriage isn't as strong as I thought?

FrangipaniBlue · 28/09/2021 15:05

@Gazelda

So do those who tell their spouse everything, even confidential info, think that their relationship is closer than those of us who wouldn't break a confidence?

My husband is my best friend, soulmate, rock etc etc. I am currently privy to 2 bits of info that I've been asked to keep confidential. Neither affect him. Neither affect our home life. I trust him 100% and know that if I did tell him it'd go no further.

Does that mean my marriage isn't as strong as I thought?

That seems to be the insinuation from some posters.

Utter bollocks.

Alwaystrappedunderababy · 28/09/2021 15:06

@SickAndTiredAgain

I think it depends if it’s something that, now she knows it, she’ll be required to outright lie to her husband about it. As opposed to something she could just not mention.

I agree with this. I have no problem not mentioning something to my husband but I could not lie to him for somebody else.

SirChenjins · 28/09/2021 15:09

@BrendaBubbles

This is the whole reason you have a husband rather than a boyfriend. You are both a unit and anything can flow back and forth between the two as a joint entity, financially, legally, and that includes secrets as well. If you want to be totally independent, don't get married

No, it's really not the whole reason I'm married to DH. If not keeping anything from your DH is the whole reason you married him then knock yourself out, but don't try and tell others what the whole reason 'should' be for getting married.

WannabeMathematician · 28/09/2021 15:09

@Frogsandsheep Possibly? But tbh no one tries to tell me their secrets and I do feel much lighter. People still talk to me if they have tradgies in their lives or gripes. Maybe it's cut down on the gossip that people tell me? For example no one has ever told me they are having an affair!

As for the work question, I don't work in an area where I need to talk to people about their personal details. I don't work patients or anything like that so it hasn't come up. I think though the role a friend who needs me completely is different from the role of a collegue. As part of a buisness I would never be alone in being resposible for someone in the same way so I don't think it's a fair comparison in my case.

Also for the record. I really hope you are doing better. I'd hate to have been your friend and have let you down in such a way and to break your trust. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so upfront about the whole thing.

godmum56 · 28/09/2021 15:12

@Gazelda

So do those who tell their spouse everything, even confidential info, think that their relationship is closer than those of us who wouldn't break a confidence?

My husband is my best friend, soulmate, rock etc etc. I am currently privy to 2 bits of info that I've been asked to keep confidential. Neither affect him. Neither affect our home life. I trust him 100% and know that if I did tell him it'd go no further.

Does that mean my marriage isn't as strong as I thought?

I genuinely do not know. I know (knew) about my marriage and nobody else's

rwalker · 28/09/2021 15:13

Of course it's reasonable but it may be too late now you told her last week .
If I was told something off a friend in confidence I would tell no one .

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 15:13

For those who share everything where so you draw the line?

OK some secrets might need support - if I tell my best friend I have cancer or was raped I get she might need to share. Some might be juicy or exciting - if I'm shagging the milkman or pregnant.

But if we're talking "we tell each other everything" then presumably you'd also tell him about my UTI / Thrush, how snotty my kids noses are, my struggle to find a hairdresser etc. Does he actually give a damn? Does he really want to sit there whilst you share the boring crap of my life that I've shared with you out of friendly natter?

IWillFindYou · 28/09/2021 15:16

What’s up with this ”burden” thing?
How many people actually have such devastating lives, that the listener need help and guidance?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/09/2021 15:16

Bloody hell.
I would never share someone else's information with my husband except in very limited circumstances, eg a serious risk of harm. And he is the same with me.

The idea that just because you are married you don't have to respect other people's confidences is baffling and to imply that not respecting a third party's private information is an indicator of a super special relationship is laughable.

Plumtree391 · 28/09/2021 15:17

I think it is perfectly fair and I would expect her to keep something to herself without being asked to. However, if you think it is necessary to stress the confidentiality, please do so.

MilduraS · 28/09/2021 15:18

My husband wouldn't want to know something someone else had told me in confidence. It would make him really uncomfortable.

We're open about things in our own lives but our marriage doesn't give him special access to other people's personal lives.

museumum · 28/09/2021 15:18

I wouldn't go telling my dh for stuff no good reason or just to get it off my own chest, but I wouldn't' lie to him either so it depends what it is and if he's likely to ask me about it.
I also wouldn't like to lie by omission so if my dh is likely to be saying 'why is person A being funny around person B?' or 'Why is person C crying?' and I knew, I would hate to have to pretend I didn't know or say I did know but couldn't tell him.
So it kind of depends what the thing is and his relationship to the people.

For what you've told your sister about your son it does depend if it affects his uncle or if he's likely to ask about it or worry about not knowing it. E.g. if your son is unwell and you've only told your sister the diagnosis it depends if her husband loves your ds and is worried too or if he's a bit removed from the situation.

Frogsandsheep · 28/09/2021 15:19

@WannabeMathematician

Sorry for my prickly first response.
You didn’t sound cold and lacking empathy at all, you sounded very hurt and I should have shown more empathy in my reply.

I am doing well now and I genuinely do think my friendships helped drag me through.
I am sure you’re a great friend and as you said, at least people know you’ll tell your dh everything. That’s different and so much better than someone breaking a confidence which is what filled me with fear when I finally told my friends how unwell I was.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/09/2021 15:20

As long as it was not upsetting, or required me to lie to my dh then I probably wouldn't tell dh anyway! As long as you are happy that if anything crops up about it I can say to dh that you have asked me not to say and I am respecting that and he can ask you directly if he wants.

SuperstarDog · 28/09/2021 15:28

So do those who tell their spouse everything, even confidential info, think that their relationship is closer than those of us who wouldn't break a confidence?

No, I don’t think that. I don’t know you so have no clue how close you are or aren’t. I don’t really care either, people do things differently and that’s fine if it works for them.