To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

[Whatamoraldilema]

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

Its intersting you mention the Official secrets act. My late husband had to sign this as part of a promotion at work. he came home and told me as it would be the first time either of us had had to keep a secret from the other and he wanted to be sure that I would be ok with it.

Would he not have taken the promotion had you not been ok with it? And why would he even need to ask? It's not down to you whether he should keep sensitive work information secret.

@Frogandsheep That's great to hear! Understandably, we come from opposites ends of the spectrum on this topic. But I am glad you don't think I'm heartless and I think you're very lucky to have some such good friends (though I guess you know that). Best of luck.

Yes. As long as its made clear it's to not to be said to him.

If someone said to me 'don t tell anyone' I'd tell my husband but no-one else. If I was told 'don t tell anyone, not even husband' I wouldn't tell him.

But if we're talking "we tell each other everything" then presumably you'd also tell him about my UTI / Thrush, how snotty my kids noses are, my struggle to find a hairdresser etc. Does he actually give a damn? Does he really want to sit there whilst you share the boring crap of my life that I've shared with you out of friendly natter?

I wouldn’t be desperately waiting to tell my partner any of that info. But if he said ‘are you going out with Anya this week?’, I might say ‘probably not, she’s on antibiotics for a water infection so isn’t feeling up to it’ for example. Or I might say, ‘Sarah couldn’t go to work today as one of the kids have a bad cold and so were off school, she’s taking them for a covid test tomorrow’. Just in conversation.

Yanbu but i would factor in the liklihood of them telling them anyway!

@SuperstarDog why does your husband need to hear about intimate infections amongst your friends? You don't think that's far too much and irrelevant personal information to provide to him? I'd not be happy if you were my friend, it's private.

@Frogsandsheep

Being forced to lie to your dh is very different from keeping a confidence from him.

People who share everything with dh, do you share confidential things from work too? Or just other friends and family?

Quite.

I work as a nurse. I don't tell him confidential information about my patients. This is similar. And in fact what if you were a HCP and discovered something about a friend or family member? Would you tell partner without your friends consent? Of course not.

@SleepingStandingUp

For those who share everything where so you draw the line?

OK some secrets might need support - if I tell my best friend I have cancer or was raped I get she might need to share. Some might be juicy or exciting - if I'm shagging the milkman or pregnant.

But if we're talking "we tell each other everything" then presumably you'd also tell him about my UTI / Thrush, how snotty my kids noses are, my struggle to find a hairdresser etc. Does he actually give a damn? Does he really want to sit there whilst you share the boring crap of my life that I've shared with you out of friendly natter?

I only share the juicy/exciting stuff (and as I said upthread, if I was asked not to I wouldn't).

He loves a gossip - I found out two single coworkers were shagging last year (from one of said shaggers), he loved an installment of their updates/increasingly unsubtle attempts to hide it every week. No harm no foul there - he isn't going to tell anyone, I was asked not to tell anyone in the office, and nobody was getting hurt as they were both single. Plus, he didn't know them.

If it was like, Karen's got thrush and Steve is terminally ill, that's not fun to share. Sometimes we talk about sad stuff - my best friend & her husband are going through infertility, are fairly open about it but I talk to her more than we talk as a group, so I may sometimes say "Oh, X & Y are going to the clinic for an appointment this week, I hope it's good news". But they wouldn't mind/care and I know they've done the same in reverse - i.e. when I told X I had a health concern, Y mentioned he hoped it had all been sorted next time I saw him. So we have an understanding there - if we ever wanted the other to keep something completely confidential, we'd say so.

Tbh I think it depends on what is been shared.

Sharing you are having an affair and you dint want anyone else to know. I wouldn’t see that as an issue.
Sharing that you have been raped as a child, how it happened so much so that it has impacted ME in a negative way and I need to find my own support, then yes I would probably tell someone else. DH or another friend totally unrelated.

Because that’s what even psychotherapists/counsellors do. They are the receivers if people’s greatest tragedies but also have a support in form of supervision to share that burden. Expecting ANYONE to listen to your issues and not seek support for yourself wouldn’t be fair Imo.

why does your husband need to hear about intimate infections amongst your friends? You don't think that's far too much and irrelevant personal information to provide to him? I'd not be happy if you were my friend, it's private.

I didn’t say he needed to know did I? And we’re not married. Other than that you read my post well. 😅
No, I don’t think it’s too much. We’d probably not be friends anyway, I talk openly about stuff like that with my partner and you don’t. People are different and that’s ok.

Yes it’s reasonable

@Spidey66 but you would be within your rights to share that information in supervision - aka sharing what’s going on wo giving a name.

Confidentiality itself has its own boundaries. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk to anyone at all.

Plus we are not talking about a health are settings.

@saraclara

Its intersting you mention the Official secrets act. My late husband had to sign this as part of a promotion at work. he came home and told me as it would be the first time either of us had had to keep a secret from the other and he wanted to be sure that I would be ok with it.

Would he not have taken the promotion had you not been ok with it? And why would he even need to ask? It's not down to you whether he should keep sensitive work information secret.

its absolutely was not down to me whether or not he should keep it secret. It absolutely was down to both of us to decide whether to put ourselves into a position where such secrecy was required. I guess he wouldn't have taken the promotion if I had a problem with it, but I don't know for sure because the situation didn't arise.

@SuperstarDog

So do those who tell their spouse everything, even confidential info, think that their relationship is closer than those of us who wouldn't break a confidence?

No, I don’t think that. I don’t know you so have no clue how close you are or aren’t. I don’t really care either, people do things differently and that’s fine if it works for them.

this

@SuperstarDog partner, friend, whatever. You're sharing information about something as intimate about someone's UTI - it's not about you or your DP, it's about your friend. How mean and unnecessary to basically gossip about that kind of thing. I appreciate this is a hypothetical scenario, but it should really make you stop and think about whether you're being a good friend or a poor friend when making throwaway remarks about someone else. As a friend, I'd think lot less of you for it.

DH and I are both signed up to the Official Secrets Act and have been repeatedly over 20+yrs in our jobs. Perhaps we've learned to be more circumspect even when gossiping about work gossip.

@IWillFindYou

What’s up with this ”burden” thing? How many people actually have such devastating lives, that the listener need help and guidance?

By definition a secret is a burden.

People are sharing information because THEY feel burdened by it and need to tell someone and they have decided the person who will share that burden will be you.

If secrets weren't burdens and the person didn't want anyone else to know, they would simply keep the information to themselves.

Tbh, I'm surprised this one has people so wound up, given everything else on here. There you go... there's nowt as strange as folk.

partner, friend, whatever. You're sharing information about something as intimate about someone's UTI - it's not about you or your DP, it's about your friend. How mean and unnecessary to basically gossip about that kind of thing. I appreciate this is a hypothetical scenario, but it should really make you stop and think about whether you're being a good friend or a poor friend when making throwaway remarks about someone else. As a friend, I'd think lot less of you for it.

To be fair, my friends really wouldn’t care less. We’re similar in that way, I guess that’s why we’re friends. We’d all talk about a UTI in front of each other’s partners, it’s a normal thing that happens to our bodies, none of the men would bat an eyelid either.

I don’t think we are each other’s ‘type of person’. That’s ok too. My friends are happy with our friendships.

I’d absolutely keep the trust

If someone told me in the strictest confidence then I’d have no problem keeping that to myself

It’s trust. Simple as.

Me and my husband are absolutely secure in the trust also in our relationship. We know that sometimes people tell us things in confidence and don’t feel the need to break that. Either way

I’ve kept a secret about a dying friends wish. He knows that. But wouldn’t even want me to break that trust just because we’re married.

Wouldn't dream of sharing all my friends and siblings secrets with DH. Just WHY does he need to know? These are not matters that are to do with him. They are important events/matters of my friends/siblings which they have shared with me to have my opinion/input/support on.
I have told my friends things that I'd want no one else to know.
Why on earth do couples have to share irrelevant information and lose their friends/sibling's confidence?!

YANBU. If you want it I be confidential she should keep it to herself but then again it is her husband. Me and dp (not married but as good as) tell each other everything. It depends how likely her husband is to repeat it. I wouldn't have an issue if he would keep it to himself too.

I don't really count telling DH secret stuff. He never listens anyway and even if he does he wouldn't be interested enough to pass it on. But once you've passed it on its out of your hands.

partner, friend, whatever. You're sharing information about something as intimate about someone's UTI - it's not about you or your DP, it's about your friend. How mean and unnecessary to basically gossip about that kind of thing.

I probably wouldn’t mention something like this to my DH because I can’t think why I would, however I doubt my friends would care if I did. It’s not mean gossip. And I wouldn’t care if a friend’s DH knew I had a UTI. I wouldn’t feel the need to tell them, but it’s not exactly a secret.

@BrendaBubbles

This is the whole reason you have a husband rather than a boyfriend. You are both a unit and anything can flow back and forth between the two as a joint entity, financially, legally, and that includes secrets as well. If you want to be totally independent, don't get married

How does not telling your spouse something they don't need to know anyway mean you shouldn't be married ?

@Frogsandsheep

Work thing. I know many people who have to keep confidential work things. Exactly that. Confidential.

It wouldn’t even register with me if my husband had too. Nor would I ask him.

I respect him enough and trust him enough that if he had to keep something from me. It would be because he had too. Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

I think people who HAVE to tell their partner everything are not secure enough in their own mind or relationship.