To ask my DSis to keep something confidential from her DH

[Whatamoraldilema]

Last week I told my Dsis something in confidence about my young DS. In hindsight I'm not sure if that is a fair thing to ask. Do you think it's reasonable to ask your sibling to keep something confidential from their partner?

This comes up all the time. Some people think that sharing everything with their partner trumps their friends' right to discuss things in confidence. Other people prefer to have friendships where private information can be shared without DPs being told. I don't think either is necessarily right or wrong, but when sharing stuff it is important to check which type of person your friend / sibling is.

You aren't being unreasonable to ask, but if your DSis is used to sharing literally everything with her DH you need to be aware that she might not be able to keep your secret.

Perplexed by many answers here. You are actually still separate people when married . Mystified by the compulsion/obligation to blurt out everything you know /are told to you SO. Do you relate everything everyone says to you?
This is exactly why I don't tell people stuff. People can't help but tell... claiming their SO is somehow a special case .
Maybe ask her if she'd feel obliged to tell the husband. If not then you've obv found a rare type and tell her.

No, I don’t think that’s fair. Anything I get told people should assume my husband will know about too.

[quote dryasaboner]@MakingM but you don't keep their secrets as you rush off and tell your DH. I wonder if they will ever find out how little integrity you have [/quote]
It sounds to me like someone has told someone a secret without thinking it through properly and now they are bit sore about it and trying to blame the person who they burdened with their secret.

If my friends and siblings heard you attacking my integrity, I am confident they would laugh and advise me not to listen to them, not randomers on the internet.

Have a lovely day

I tell my husband most things as par for the course, or 'interesting' things anyway. Wouldn't tell him my best friend had an ingrown hair on her bum or whatever, but if I found out someone at work was having an affair - yes, I'd tell him, I talk to him about everything. My closest friend is the same - I know anything I tell her is going to also be known by her husband, I've got no issue with that.

BUT if it were something big and I was specifically asked not to, I wouldn't.

If I couldn't keep it to myself for a particular reason (as PPs have mentioned, something which I might need support with myself, or something where there was something I might feel needed reporting and the person telling me wasn't going to) I'd make it clear to that person.

If someone told me something jn confidence and told me not to tell anyone then I wouldn't (as a general rule). However, the only caveat would be if this piece of information potentially put me, dh and dc in danger. For example if they disclosed they were injecting heroin or something and then wanted to continue visiting our house then I would need to make my dh aware so that they could make an informed decision if they ever turned up at our house. I would tell the person my reasons though.

I’d tell my husband about everything. But then all my friends know that and I make it clear whenever confidential conversations come up that I won’t be bounced into keeping secrets from my husband.

However, my absolute policy is because I’ve had bad experiences where people have tried to use me as a substitute for a therapist which I was not fit to deal with or worse have told me they don’t like my husband then asked me to keep it a secret. In either case I’m not being made to feel isolated from my husband because I can’t tell him something and can’t ask for support. But that’s why I tell people not to tell me things in confidence ahead of time!

@WannabeMathematician what about work related confidences?

I am so glad my friends were not like you when I disclosed what had caused me ptsd, something only a handful of people in the world know.

@mocah

What about work related things?

What would happen if a friend told you a deep personal secret? You’d tell your dh? So glad you’re not my friend and this is so worrying and depressing to read.

I think the person who has shared the information has a responsibility to consider the burden and impact it will have on the recipient and the position it might put them in.....will it be something they will need their own support with, will it put them in a position of feeling conflicted, having to be dishonest themselves, or impact on their own relationships and behaviour etc. We don't have a right to place a burden on a friend or family member and then dictate how they are allowed to deal with that burden.

Having said that, I don't share secrets of my friends that don't affect DH, and that don't affect me in the ways above. I would do my best to make it clear to the original sharer that what they were asking wasn't fair though, if I didn't think I would keep the secret.

Not all of these things are big or bad to share though...e.g. Friend said to me a few weeks ago that her and DH were having some issues managing family life and their many children and work commitments and had been arguing about it etc. She didn't say 'don't tell your DH' as such but it was a fairly personal conversation....my DH was later, unrelated, trying to arrange a weekend away with her DH for a hobby, and was getting nowhere with it....I don't think it's an awful thing or breaking confidence to have said to DH 'I think they're struggling with things a bit at the moment, maybe just give him a bit of space'.

@Frogsandsheep being an unofficial rape counsellor for someone who tried to kill the self also caused me ptsd. So you know we can start playing sadness too trumps if you want. I was told I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone or ask for help until my friend tried to kill her self and got sectioned. So no your tug at my heart strings won’t work.

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both

That is such bollocks. Have some respect for yourself. You're a person in your own right, as is your partner. This is not some test of a relationship "oh were so close I couldn't possibly keep anything from him. If you do, you can't possibly be as close as us"

But most of all have some respect for your friends and relatives. It's their stuff they've told you. You're not lying by not sharing it with your husband. You're just respecting their privacy.

People in jobs where confidentiality is paramount don't go telling their spouses official secrets or other people's medical information.

Just keep your mouth shut and stop using this ridiculous excuse to blab other people's troubles.

I wouldn't be happy not being able to talk about something important with DH, and everything to do with the DNs I consider to be important to both of us. Not daft things like having an unexpected accident or having a spot, but anything involving their health, welfare or future. I didn't tell him when a DN was thinking through a problem chatting to me, but let him know when they'd decided and were happy to tell everyone. If I was asked to keep something secret about them from him then I would (either side of the family), their relationship with me deserves whatever confidentiality they want, but it would feel uncomfortable because he loves them.

As far as friends are concerned, it's very easy to say "she wanted to discuss something confidentially, nothing exciting just health / live life / ..." and he wouldn't probe further, but nor is he lied to. I'm not sure if his friends have ever asked for something to be confidential from me, rather the opposite that I remember one expecting me to know all sorts that I'd forgotten about if I was ever told. If it's their business then I'm not particularly fussed about knowing, but usually do end up hearing about it.

No, I don't think it's reasonable to ask someone to keep something from their spouse.

@WannabeMathematician

What a cold and callous response.

It’s not a competition. I’m very sorry for your circumstances and mine was a very different scenario when I opened up to friends after starting professional therapy.

I am so sorry you suffered ptsd but your lack of empathy is astounding and unnerving.

I know things about people that my husband doesn't, I was never specifically asked not to say anything but I used my judgement and didn't tell him. It's not a reflection on our relationship or about how close we are.

[quote Frogsandsheep]@WannabeMathematician what about work related confidences?

I am so glad my friends were not like you when I disclosed what had caused me ptsd, something only a handful of people in the world know.[/quote]
But they've just said they disclose that ahead of time - so in your scenario

"I need to talk to you about something heavy"
Wannabe "Okay, but I want you to know that I talk to Husband about everything, it helps me keep things straight in my head. I totally understand if you'd rather not tell me"

At that point, it's your choice.

@seaandsandcastles

No, I don’t think that’s fair. Anything I get told people should assume my husband will know about too.

So do you tell your DH everything your friends tell you? What they had for dinner? That they've got a bit of a headache? That they're trying to decide whether to paint their walls magnolia or Jasmine white?

Or is it just the juicy stuff?

@WannabeMathematician

Also I’d say that if someone was in danger then confidences arguably should be broken. I keep confidences all the time at work but if there is a risk of danger then I tell someone.
is an extreme situation and I am genuinely sorry you went through that.
Most scenarios of friends sharing secrets are not this extreme.

I wouldn't go and immediately tell DP if I'd been asked to keep something to myself but I wouldn't lie to him if he'd worked something out and asked me about it.

@scarpa

Of course it’s fair enough to say that but it’s also a shame that people will then feel they can’t open up to people they are close to.

I assume work related things don’t count? I can’t imagine someone in a caring profession getting away with saying ‘I’ll have to tell my husband’

@Frogsandsheep. But the thing is I don’t you would have told me about your circumstances as basically I’m saying I can’t cope with secrets and then you would have found someone else to talk to. I’m just saying to stop a repeat of the isolation and being made to feel like I was the sole person responsible for someone else that I go into all friendships with the fact that I can’t hold that level or secret myself. Isn’t that good? Then you can make an informed choice to tell me or not knowing what I’ll do afterwards?

@Orangejuicemarathoner

I dont think it is ever fair to ask someone to keep something from their partner. If you tell one person in a marriage, you have told both

I agree. And to make it clear, I don't think that partners SHOULD tell each other everything (although we did till the day he died) I do think its unfair to ask them not to.

[quote Frogsandsheep]@scarpa

Of course it’s fair enough to say that but it’s also a shame that people will then feel they can’t open up to people they are close to.

I assume work related things don’t count? I can’t imagine someone in a caring profession getting away with saying ‘I’ll have to tell my husband’[/quote]
I never told my husband detail but would confide in him that I had had a bad day because death, relapse and so on

This is the whole reason you have a husband rather than a boyfriend. You are both a unit and anything can flow back and forth between the two as a joint entity, financially, legally, and that includes secrets as well. If you want to be totally independent, don't get married