Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

Interestingly in our situation, it was me the higher earner who suggested a joint account that everything went into, but EXDP refused saying I might run off with his money

Wow. You should bill him the child care costs if the mariage is so transactional. I would insist on all joint accounts and then each of you having the same amount for leisure/ personal buys. Your DH ibvu!

Married 20 years, 3 DC. We both worked PT when the DC were small, now only DH does. We have our own accounts and pay into the joint account that covers all bills. We each save the same amount and pay money into the joint so we have approximately the same amount of 'fun money'. But that fun money covers some essentials so every so often one of us says 'I'm skint because I've just paid for 'X', can you transfer some money to my account?'. We're not tight for money, have lots of savings and have always earnt similar amounts so can be fairly relaxed about it.

When we first moved in together we split it 50/50 despite me earning a little bit more than my (now) DH - at his insistence. Around when we got married I got a big promotion and would have earned about 3 times what he did. At that point I suggested a shared pot because otherwise we would have been limited by his wage for what we could do etc so what would be the point in the promotion! So we both pay our salaries into a joint account and send “spending money” into each other’s sole accounts, works well with us and we have never argued about money. I’m now on maternity leave so DH is the main earner, he just sends anything I ask for, I think I am fortunate!

I've had a joint account with DH for 30+ years, and in that time he's always earned more than me. I've worked pt since DC1 was a few months old, and we've always been grateful that we've been able to do this without too much sacrifice and with a mutual understanding that we both were happy with it.

Proportional to salary

Your current setup is highly unfair. It is not even 50-50, as you are effectively subsidising his part of the childcare costs! If you would work FT earning the same as before and both of you would pay all bills (incl childcare) 50-50 he would be worse off.

Wow! This is so sad. He owes you a lot of money

Fucking hell this is awful.

Simple mathematical exercise to bring this home. Suppose you each earn 500/month and joint costs of running the household are 400/month. You share costs 50-50. You then each have 300 to spend/save personally. This is before children.

Now you have children. Childcare costs would be 200. if you both stay working ft, still share 50-50 of the now increased costs, you would now have 200 to spend each month personally.

However, to take care of children, you go pt, and your income is now 300. His remains 500. Bills remain 400. You still do 50-50. You now have 100 personal money, he still has his 300. He is not at all impacted by having kids, has no childcare costs, and you not only lose future earning potential by taking a step back, you also provide free childcare and get to pay for the privilege. Insane.

Proportional would actually only be marginally better. You would still pay 150 of the bills, he would pay 250. He is still quids in as he would have 250 left each month, you 150.

In fact, only really fair thing to do would be to add all earnings up (your 300, his 500) add all costs up (400) and split the remainder in 2 equal portions. 200 each of spending money.

This all assumes equal earnings to start with. If one is earning significantly more, proportional makes more sense.

Neither.
Dh and I both have FT jobs plus small enterprises on the side. Dh earns roughly 175% of my wages in his FT job.
Salary for FT jobs go into the joint account and we both get £100 personal spending money back. Money from our side jobs we keep ourselves so if DH chooses to spend his days off working at his business he keeps the money and vice versa.

Well clearly his position makes zero sense. Either how much each of you pays matters to him (and therefore you both pay 50/50 even though you earn less, he gets to save while you don’t, and there is no shared money) or money is fully shared and therefore there is no concept of % etc as it’s all one pot of money. He can’t argue that you have to pay 50/50, leave you with no money, demand equal reimbursement of any expenses he pays for, and then say all money is shared. He can’t have it both ways.

So either he is stupid, or he is wilfully trying to manipulate you so you are out of pocket and he gets to save up while you have no money. I would sit down with him and ask him which of these it is. And make it clear there isn’t a third option. So even if it is making you obsessed by money (which I don’t think it is), that’s perfectly reasonable because you are getting fucked over by him. Don’t let him make excuses, make him justify his position so it actually makes sense and is fair. He won’t be able to.

For what it’s worth, I earn five times my partner. All our money is shared. We both pay all of our salary into a joint account except for x amount which we each keep for spending, and what goes into share savings. X is the same for both of us. I genuinely cannot imagine how a partnership which is meant to be equal and involves children can be anything other than this (or a totally shared bank account with both free to spend as they wish, with equal spending habits).

At some point, no matter how careful you are, your balance will be zero. That may limit your ability to make all kinds of choices for yourself such as attending a training course or meeting a friend for dinner.

@marykitty

Thanks a lot for your answers. I am happy to see i am not completely unreasonable.

We have a shared account for expenses, and we pay into this account the same amount of money each month (therefore 50/50).
I manage this shared account since I pay bills, insurance, foods etc. Don't know what i am doing wrong but after years of managing it without issues, I had now to "top up" this account several times because there was not enough money at the end of the month. Not sure if it's a common issue, are the prices going up or am i just spending more? If I present this issue to DH, he said that I should just be more careful with expenses since I am the "account manager" it's my role to make sure we do not overdo it.

For bigger things, e.g. a new car or house renovation, he pays for them then "send me the bill" for my 50%, which i then transfer to his account. Same for taxes.

Our other bank accounts are personal, so I have no direct access to his accounts.

I feel like at the beginning this was a no issue, because I managed to save anyway at the end of the year so I did not pay too much attention to what this was doing to my finances...

But after struggling now for the second year in a row i am getting more and more frustated to see the "red sign" indicating my decreasing balance at the end of the year.

He really isn't very nice to you - it is as simple as that.

Send him a bill for your account manager/housekeeping/and childcare serices and see what he says.

I wouldn't tolerate this. you are in it together and he has been coasting along taking advantage or your extra work for years now. He would be paying for his share of extra childcare if you didn't do it. and he would have to get his finger out of his arse and actually manage the household money and do some fucking housework.

if it doesn't matter who has the money in their savings account as you are married suggest it all goes in yours.

It DOES matter. IT matters a hell of a lot to him which is why he is being a financial dick.

Was going 3 days your choice

@ByThePool2021

Having children changes everything, OP is now sacrificing salary to save childcare costs two days a week (rather than reducing her hours) and still paying 50% household snd childcare costs.

How can that possibly be fair.

Anyone who suggests it is fair, is doing a number on you.

@FinallyHere I guess it’s because I see it from the other side - my dh is the one who went and took a school hours job so he could do the school runs so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I’m the one who worked very hard (initially as a single parent) to put myself through an OU degree to better my life. I’m more then happy to pay for breakfast club and after school club etc so dh can earn more but he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to work in low paid retail. I worked hard for better for myself - not to carry another adult through life.
You are all seeing this from the idea that the mother always sacrifices her salary but I just see the other side. The feminist in me says 50/50 is the fairest way

I absolutely agree that people should make an equal contribution.

OP is not saying she is working part time around school children, but three days a week to save the very expensive pre school childcare costs for two days a week

Her contribution is to sacrifice salary for two days a week plus pay for half of the remaining three days a week. His contribution is thus to pay for half of three days a week.

How could that be fair?

He suggests that she should continue to pay 50% of costs even though her salary is impacted by saving two days of childcare costs a week. Her savings are going down while his accumulate. He says it doesn't matter who holds the savings, they are jointly owned.

He would say that wouldn't he.

And that

One pot here - no 'splitting'. DH gets paid monthly so that pays the mortgage and bills with anything left going into savings. I get paid weekly so we live on that for food, petrol and entertainment. Works for us

He's mean based on reading your post a few posts above.

Like you we started 50/50 until DC. We have never had a joint account. When I gave up work (sick baby - not planned) DH had to pick up everything (although I did have my own money in savings).

Our system worked well for us. DH paid all the paper bills (utilities mortgage, community charge, insurance, etc) and I paid all the day to day spends: food, haircuts, cards, presents, clothes, occasional coffee/lunch, occasional bits fir the house. I wrote everything down in a little book, kept in a box with all the receipts and at the end of the month DH wrote me a cheque and never questioned a penny.

However there have been times when I didn't know his annual earnings and we have tended to keep our savings separate but not secret although we respect each others' privacy. There was a period when his income was than 10 times mine. I had an inheritance he didn't question whether it was mine or ours - in fact I paid off the mortgage with some of it, bought a new family car and kept some. I went back to work almost 20 years ago (on oeanuts) and he carried on paying the bills but started giving me a monthly allowance for food and dc essentials. Gradually I picked up my car, sky, broadband and an occasional holiday.

[quote ByThePool2021]@FinallyHere I guess it’s because I see it from the other side - my dh is the one who went and took a school hours job so he could do the school runs so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I’m the one who worked very hard (initially as a single parent) to put myself through an OU degree to better my life. I’m more then happy to pay for breakfast club and after school club etc so dh can earn more but he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to work in low paid retail. I worked hard for better for myself - not to carry another adult through life.
You are all seeing this from the idea that the mother always sacrifices her salary but I just see the other side. The feminist in me says 50/50 is the fairest way[/quote]
No we are all not seeing it that way. I am the higher earner. Dp (male) is not.

As i posted earlier, I would be prepared to pay all the bills. Dps insists on paying towards them.

My opinion is that Dp being able to pick up and /or drop off the kids, is invaluable to my career.

Yes, we can afford wrap around care. But it's not for all kids. Saying 'we could afford it' is the whole story and also wrap around care doesn't cover all the hours I need to work.

Dps input into the family isn't just what he earns at the end of the month.

I couldn't have kids and work at the level I do without dp. Having him putting dinner on or getting some housework done so we have relax at the weekends, is invaluable to us all.

The difference in your situation is that you are married. You say the feminist in you says it should be 50:50.

The feminist in me sees the value in looking after the children and doing more around the home. Typically a womans role and massively undervalued. Working less to take on the majority of childcare has monetary value and well as value to the people in the family.

And also despite not being married, I want us to have an equal level of financial freedom.

I think what's odd about your stance is that as you are married, you legally did join finances. So if you were to split he would likey get majority care and a hefty amount of CMS from you. The law doesn't view it the same way you do and yet you entered that agreement, where what's yours is his.

[quote ByThePool2021]@FinallyHere I guess it’s because I see it from the other side - my dh is the one who went and took a school hours job so he could do the school runs so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I’m the one who worked very hard (initially as a single parent) to put myself through an OU degree to better my life. I’m more then happy to pay for breakfast club and after school club etc so dh can earn more but he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to work in low paid retail. I worked hard for better for myself - not to carry another adult through life.
You are all seeing this from the idea that the mother always sacrifices her salary but I just see the other side. The feminist in me says 50/50 is the fairest way[/quote]
I wasn't looking at it as the mother always sacrifices their salary. The person who works less sacrifices their salary - though actually I see it as the family sacrifices the extra money because of childcare needs. That's not taking into account the blow your earning/progression power takes when you go part time and have to be available for the kids (admittedly as your DH is a man this might affect him less than it would if he were a woman) and the boost to your career through not having to worry about it.

My feeling is that if you choose to join forces to raise a family with someone that includes the money that comes in and goes out of the house. I suppose you could do 50:50 if you each did half of the childcare, housework, salaried work but I feel like that must be vanishingly rare.

The family doesn't sacrifice extra money due to childcare needs, the family invests time in nurturing the future generation. The cost of children is a factor in planning for life but so is the joy they bring.

You should be paying less.
I earn 1k a month & DH earns just under 5k. DH pays for mortgage/bills and food.
I pay for our children's clothes/activities/parties/money for holidays. I have always been the low earner so even before kids, I would put in 25% and him 75%!

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

Get a joint account for bills and food, so that you both pay in and it will give you a means to introduce proportional payments.

My OH earns an extra £700 a month than me. He pays a bit more towards childcare, but otherwise it is 50/50 with bills, but he spends more on fuel to get to work as I WFH and he tends to put more towards outings and holidays. I pay into a pension, but he doesn't though, which pisses me off tbh.

You should not be in a negative at the end of the month, so I would only put what you have towards bills for the next few months to sort that out. Failing that, work full time and ask him to cough up for hired help if you can afford it.