Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

If you’re married why don’t you have a joint account for everything? If you can’t then proportional is much fairer.

Yeah, I wouldn't like this either.

Either expenses proportional to salary, or equal expenses but with shared access to all leftover funds (i.e. if you earned 500 and he earned 1000, and you both paid 350 a month, the left over would be 800 - which would be shared jointly with proper joint access).

We do it the second way. Has always worked well.

We don't actually have a joint account (keep meaning to sort, but neither of us have got round to it) but if one of us needs money and the larger bulk of the leftover funds that month is left in the other's account (DH's earnings vary, so it can be either of us depending on whether he's had a good month and has loads left or a shit month and I have more left), we just say "can you send me £50" or whatever.

It sounds as though you're financially stable - talk of the amount in your account going down each year suggests there's a reasonable amount in there, I don't have enough money to have an annual balance, it's just what's in there the first few weeks of each month until it runs out! - and that's good, you're not being held in dire financial straits. But it isn't fair and it's not a partnership, and I would be having a talk with him about how money is split between you.

And if he somehow can't see that prices for pretty much everything have gone up recently and you'll need to (both) account for that in the expenses money, then he's either being deliberately obtuse and making it your financial problem, or it's time he took over being the 'manager' and see how he handles it.

He sounds massively unreasonable.

We each have equal amounts in our own accounts for personal expenses (grooming, clothes, nights out with friends etc). And the rest goes into the joint acct and savings. So he obviously pays a higher proportion than me. We found that during lockdowns our day to day expenses reduced a lot (no childcare, commuting or social life) so we were able to save more. However, recently some of the bills have increased as have food prices, so we are having to pay slightly more into the joint account than pre-Covid.

Another thread that reinforces why women should not sacrifice their independence.

Your update just confirms at you are being financially controlled by this selfish man.

His attitude to you is like you are his staff.

Please address this unfair situation with him or you will bitterly regret it.

A joint account doesn't mean the situation changes.bit just means she puts 50% of the costs into that account ..
And they DO have a joint account to pay the bills.
The problem is her husband expects her to pay 50% even though she reduced her working hours to care for their children..

We only have a joint account, all incoming goes in there all outgoings go out of there. Our savings account is also joint....sadly so are loans and overdraft lol

I find it hard enough keeping on top if finances without working out who pays what! If we need something we buy it, if we want something we discuss it and buy if we can afford.

I have worked part time for 14 years. Dh has always worked full time. When we're slimy neither of us spends on things we like. We now part own a couple of businesses so it's even easier to pay everything into one account.

Before having DC we earned similar salaries and split 50/50.

As soon as I went on maternity leave we switched to joint account which we have maintained for last 20 years. I work part time but do more domestic stuff .

Money wise we are equal access .

After so many years we know roughly what we can afford in terms of personal spend (clothes, nights out with friends etc) and only issues if we are a bit short close to payday or have made a major purchase. In which case we both have to hold back.

OP, I have not read all of the thread, just your posts. But this is 100% BS.

If this money is supposedly family money, then you should have access to it. Certainly, in our case (and I appreciate not everyone likes this approach), all income goes into one account. All spending comes out of one account.

When you started earning less, it was absolutely BONKERS that you were paying the same amount, not least because you were also SAVING the family money with reduced childcare costs.

His earning potential has most likely increased since you had the DC - if you went back to full time work, would you still earn the same? I'm guessing not.

Are you splitting taxes 50/50? because that also seems crazy - as a lower earner, your share of the taxes should be lower.

It is completely unreasonable to expect family bills to remain the same. Inflation is real. Grocery bills are going up. If your DC are getting older, their needs are more expensive (eg groups/sports activities, their share of food, clothing/uniforms etc). This is especially true as we come out of Covid.

I'd be inclined to suggest this is financial abuse. I also find it ridiculous that the thinks that you are "unnecessarily focused on money" when you're upset. You could as easily turn that on him and tell him that he is "unnecessarily focused on money" seeing as he refuses to allow you to have access to all this supposed family money.

You need to sort this asap. If he's not willing to meet you half way then I'd be very nervous about things going forward.

Depends for me on who’s decision it was to go part time. As he’s paying for half the childcare then presumably he had no objection to paying for half whether it was three or five days. I’d not want to pick up more financial responsibility if DH wanted to work less bar health reasons if needed.

Before we got married, proportional to income. Now we treat all income as family money so don't really think about it.

This is unfair! My DH and I have a joint account where everything goes in and comes out so we have equal access and spending ability.

@Snoozysnoozy

When you dropped to 3 days to look after your child I assume your DH paid you a childcare fee?

1st post well done. Presumably he only pays his half of the child care fees though?

This. You’re each responsible for half of the childcare, eg 2.5 days a week each. Since you’re looking after your DC for 2 days you only need to pay for 1/2 a day. He needs to pay for 2.5 days.

If he doesn’t like that then he can work a three day week too and you can split the 1 day of childcare 50:50.

We have very similar outlooks to spending and trust each other so absolutely everything has went into the same family pot since we moved in together 30+ years ago. It genuinely has never mattered to us who is the higher earner as everything is shared.

There are some accounts/money in dh's or my names only, such as ISA or premium bonds etc but we both have complete visibility of everything.

I would consider us incompatible is we both didn't want a full financial partnership.

We pay 50/50 but I earn far less. Husband sneaks in paying for extras like DIY or holidays as he feels so guilty, but I insisted on 50/50. However we do not have children, if we did we have already discussed that it would have to change. I totally understand your frustration, he has getting free child care. I actually think it's verging on financial abuse.

From your second post he sounds awful. Your job to manage the money better? Make it his job, or share it. You’re his partner, not his employee. How dare he speak to you like that?

Start sending him the bill for 50% of the two days of childcare you’re providing, for starters. But ultimately this system is a non-starter where any shortfall is made up by you, the lower earner, and he gets to make the shortfall your fault despite rising inflation in key areas.

Bills are split proportional to income. I’ve worked part time since having children and dh has been promoted. This means he now earns more than double what I do so he pays a lot more of the bills.

@marykitty exactly what taxes as well are you paying - and how does 50% of that work

Very unfair OP. You being in the red while he is accumulating savings.

In your situation it should be at least 60/40

Would you consider going back to work full time?

If "all money is our money" make the split proportionate and backdate it since you went to 3days a week. He shouldn't have a problem with that as it's actually just making the split fair.

I'm actually that he thinks it's acceptable you're losing money each year because at least he's making more money each year. In what universe did that make sense even in his head let alone for it to leave his mouth.

Id be telling him its time to swap roles now. He can go part time and do all the housework and childcare on those days as well as be 'account manager'. And you will go full time and contribute 50% of the costs.

Although personally I couldn't actually stay with someone who was so selfish, unfair and sneaky. What's he really doing with the extra money, do you have access to accounts so you can see? Horrible little man.

When you have kids you become a household, like it or not. When you don't it's easier to split 50:50 or whatever because most costs are clearly set out, but when unsalaried childcare comes into the equation along with the career advantage the person doing more salaried work gets from not having to be available for childcare (very difficult to price properly) it's just not practical to know what is 50:50 in terms of money.

Basically not only are you doing the childcare for free, you seem to now be paying to do it!

A joint account with equal access, equal pocket money, and equal savings is the only way when the higher earner does not seem to understand the above plus it seems like you might need a secret running away fund.

DH and I don't earn the same amount but we split all costs equally - both of our salaries go into a joint account, all bills and savings come out of that account, and we transfer an equal amount of "pocket money" to each of our personal accounts every month.

We did try personal spending from our joint account and that was a nightmare ("£15 on coffee this week?!") so we find transferring our spending money to personal accounts allows us to spend it how we wish.

@mobear we're similar, in that both are high earners. I think there comes a cut-off point that things become 50/50 regardless. Those occurences are few and far between though.

In OPs case, and many others, it's blatantly taking the piss and it should be proportional to income. Put your foot down OP.

Our salary levels have fluctuated so sometimes 50/50 others 70/30.

Our rule is that each person is always left with £500 for themselves each month and rest goes into core bills (covers everything) and mutual savings for future/emergencies/holidays

Works for us.