Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

We have an A N Other approach.

DH always earned more than me (couple of years ahead of me into work, private sector pays better than public sector etc) - although we will be almost equal in the next month when he changes job.

We each covered different expenses -
DH - Mortgage, annual property tax, health insurance, netflix/spotify, his car

Me - electricity, gas, phone, house insurance, house alarm monitoring, groceries, childcare, my car

I generally organised holidays but we tended to end up splitting various elements (he'd book ferry and I would book accomodation etc).

As we paid off the mortgage (which was significant), he took over more everyday bills - phone/broadband (and added premium tv to it), doing groceries much more often (he'd always do some, it just happened I tend to do most), house alarm monitoring, house insurance etc.

And he has often been the person to organise the servicing of both cars (and pay for those), general repairs and maintenance in the house, etc.

While I tend to be the one organising cards and gifts for all occasions.

I used to be the main person buying DD clothes when she was smaller, but as a teen, DH seems to have a better feel for what she now wants (and she will sit and tell him what to order but not me) - which I don't grumble about as she has expensive taste.

We both have savings, DH more than me, but he earned a lot more. And if ever either of us was stuck (mostly cashflow due to lots of spending on work travel and expenses not yet recovered but the relevant credit card bills needing to be paid, and big annual bills coming in the wrong month), we each transfer money to the other (for standing orders/direct debits etc) and take on the more day-to-day cash expenses for a few weeks (groceries etc).

All goes into one pot here, all family money, we have two DC (preschool age).

We split everything 50/50 but it does bother me sometimes as DP earns 10x what I do. (I am a high earner, but he is a very high earner). That said, now we have DC, he recently bought a house for us and he paid more than 50% for our last holiday so I can't really complain now.

In your situation, as you're married, you're more protected than I am, but if he is using the "what's mine is yours" line, I don't see why he can't pay more than 50% so you don't feel so anxious (and have the liberty to buy yourself luxuries on occasion without having to ask DH for money!).

Thanks a lot for your answers.
I am happy to see i am not completely unreasonable.

We have a shared account for expenses, and we pay into this account the same amount of money each month (therefore 50/50).
I manage this shared account since I pay bills, insurance, foods etc. Don't know what i am doing wrong but after years of managing it without issues, I had now to "top up" this account several times because there was not enough money at the end of the month. Not sure if it's a common issue, are the prices going up or am i just spending more? If I present this issue to DH, he said that I should just be more careful with expenses since I am the "account manager" it's my role to make sure we do not overdo it.

For bigger things, e.g. a new car or house renovation, he pays for them then "send me the bill" for my 50%, which i then transfer to his account. Same for taxes.

Our other bank accounts are personal, so I have no direct access to his accounts.

I feel like at the beginning this was a no issue, because I managed to save anyway at the end of the year so I did not pay too much attention to what this was doing to my finances...

But after struggling now for the second year in a row i am getting more and more frustated to see the "red sign" indicating my decreasing balance at the end of the year.

Proportional to salary, as a % by direct debit. Worked well for thirty years.

Joint account. All money goes in and the total is considered shared. Until I joined MN I’d never heard of this proportional thing with your partner/husband and I still think it’s absolutely bonkers 😜 🤔 This is a person you love, money should be shared and enjoyed as a family, not squabbling over a few quid.

Food prices alone have gone up massively.

On paper our set up is quite similar to yours except I pay less into the joint. But the reality is utterly different. My husband would be ashamed to let me worry about going into the red while he was merrily pocketing savings.

DH doesn't work so technically it all comes out of my salary but this has always been the norm for us so don't see the salary as my money / his money, its just our money

Jeez with your update OP he sounds a bit unpleasant. Food and living costs have gone up massively over the past few months, the response of any reasonable partner - provided there is no underlying shortage of funds - when told the money needed to go in should increase, should be sure how much .

Tell him he can be Account manager and traipse around Aldi to find good deals or preferably tell him you need a joint account with all money going in equally and each of you getting equal solo spends.

Or at least for big purchases he pays proportionately more. Madness you have to go 50:50 on a new car if he has loads more sitting in his savings.

In what way is his money your money when you don't have access to his savings? Do you know how much he has in his savings account?

That is AWFUL - not only is he only paying 50% but he hasnt cottoned on to rising prices (although quite how energy price hike/fuel price hike/food price hike is all over the news) he expects you to manage better and top up

I think HE is the one obsessed with money based on this set up. He sounds horrible actually OP I think you have been living like this for so long is sounds normal but it really isnt.

He is treating you like an employee - you do the account managing, childcare and household chores yet still pay 50%

I am only half joking when I say you should start sending him a monthly invoice to cover all that you do and expect him to pay,

And taxes - whose are they by the way. Are you paying half of his tax bill?

We don’t have any formal arrangement. I have no idea if it balances out.

Before kids we did proportionate, although our salaries were quite close anyway. Since having DD we just kind of pool most money in the JA and keep a bit back for ourselves, and then one or other of us will top up JA if it needs more during month. DH puts in more because he earns more now as I work part-time. But we don't have formal amounts.

We just get our salaries paid into joint account, all expenses come our of there. Savings comes out as a standing order. What ever is left is for us to spend as we wish. Neither of us would make a big purchase without discussing with the other, that's just fair and respectful I think but we don't bean count who has spent what. We had separate accounts until I took voluntary redundancy after DS1 was born, as we were moving to a different part of the country for DH's job. I'm working again now, but he earns about 30% more than I do (as I work part time for childcare reasons). To us it seems fair the way we do it, we both contribute equally. Him financially, me in terms of sacrificing my career and therefore earning less but being there for the kids.

Prices have increased so you should work out how much extra needs to be put into the account to make up the shortfall.
You earn less so why would you make it all up on your own?

The whole "you need to manage it you are the account manager" thing is utter bollocks. He sounds really awful.

Yes tell him he's account manager now. Prices have gone up a lot so the amount of money he pays in should too. It's not 50/50 if you have to constantly top the account up. Tell him to pay more.
We have a joint account so it's family money that goes on bills and extras. I do have a savings account which child benefit is paid in to but if my husband wanted the account to be be joint I wouldn't care.
Your husband is being unfair and as his savings are your money too he can make it a joint account. Otherwise its just his money.

Joint account for all bills, joint savings account and the same amount of “fun” money in our personal accounts to spend as we wish. Makes everything much simpler and no working out who owes the other what.

In your situation I’d suggest both get your salaries paid into the joint account, withdraw an agreed amount as your personal money and an agreed amount as your regular joint savings and move any surplus to the joint savings account just before you get paid again.

We have a joint account and buy what we need for ourselves / the family / home from that.

We discuss bigger purchases.

We have a joint savings account - any money left at the end of the month gets paid into this.

We just have a shared budget and bank account. We save together, pay bills together, and spend roughly the same amount on personal 'fun' things. Never argue about money.

He needs to transfer the extra money you have been paying out into your account.

If he refuses, you need to be very wary and you need to protect yourself.

Ignore these red flags at your peril.

Some men love to control women by having them penniless.

It keeps them stuck.

Think about that.

Why would a good husband want his wife penniless?

Why would a good man take advantage of his wife financially?

He's not a good man.

He's financially controlling you.

You would be very unwise to have another child with him if he doesn't apologise profusely and 100% rectifys the situation.

Have your eyes wide open OP to what is going on or YOU will bitterly regret it.

We have a joint account. Everything is paid out of that. We both pay the same amount each into our own ISA every month. He earns way more than me - there is no yours or mine.

@marykitty

Thanks a lot for your answers. I am happy to see i am not completely unreasonable.

We have a shared account for expenses, and we pay into this account the same amount of money each month (therefore 50/50).
I manage this shared account since I pay bills, insurance, foods etc. Don't know what i am doing wrong but after years of managing it without issues, I had now to "top up" this account several times because there was not enough money at the end of the month. Not sure if it's a common issue, are the prices going up or am i just spending more? If I present this issue to DH, he said that I should just be more careful with expenses since I am the "account manager" it's my role to make sure we do not overdo it.

For bigger things, e.g. a new car or house renovation, he pays for them then "send me the bill" for my 50%, which i then transfer to his account. Same for taxes.

Our other bank accounts are personal, so I have no direct access to his accounts.

I feel like at the beginning this was a no issue, because I managed to save anyway at the end of the year so I did not pay too much attention to what this was doing to my finances...

But after struggling now for the second year in a row i am getting more and more frustated to see the "red sign" indicating my decreasing balance at the end of the year.

Stingy miser alert ! He needs to pay you back for all the times you topped up that account - also, hello inflation? Your ebergy bill is likely going to go up too, make sure he’s covering his share!!!!

Your husband is a dick. Go back to work full time.