Do you split all expenses 50/50 or proportional to salary?

[marykitty]

My DH and I earned ca. the same salary when we got married, and we were splitting all expenses 50/50.

Few years ago, I dropped to 3 days per week after we had DS1, therefore I now earn a lower salary and have less bonuses etc. During my 2 days off I take care of DC and do all house chores.

My DH suggested, back then, that we kept splitting all expenses 50/50. With Expenses I mean everything:

• Mortgage

• Renovation and maintenance costs

• Phone, TV, water, light, fuel etc.

• Taxes and insurances

• Childcare and DC relates expenses

• Food and commodities (often i pay more than 50 for this since I do shopping on my days off and often pay cash or with my card)

• Payments to our pension funds

• All extras such as vacations

• Etc (i forgot something for sure)

Our childcare costs are now increasing and we need to buy a new car…I will close this year with a negative balance in my bank account. (Not minus, but having less than last year. It is now the second year in a row)

My DH thinks this does not matter because at the end of the day he is saving on his account and his money is my money etc etc.

He thinks me being upset by this is crazy, that it shows I am unnecessarily focused on money and this should not even be a concern in our family.

I know at the end of the day “it is OUR money” but I just feel sad to see I am not able to save after working hard.

how are you organized with your DH?

I know I have to learn to save better, but I wonder how other families are organized and if I am really BU to think we should change the way we split stuff.

I’m more then happy to pay for breakfast club and after school club etc so dh can earn more but he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to work in low paid retail. I worked hard for better for myself - not to carry another adult through life.

That of course is a valid position as well. But here the issue is rather that you don't think your DH is pulling his weight in your marriage, isn't it? Of course you might feel resentful if you feel that you're working hard but the other person is relaxing and doing the bare minimum.
Op doesn't mention that her DH feels that way. DH seems to be happy with the solution, just not with sharing the money equitably.

@RosesAndHellebores

The family doesn't sacrifice extra money due to childcare needs, the family invests time in nurturing the future generation. The cost of children is a factor in planning for life but so is the joy they bring.

Well, sure. The fact is there is usually less money around than the would be if both parents worked. I agree with you that the benefits can't necessarily be totted up monetarily.

@FinallyHere I guess it’s because I see it from the other side - my dh is the one who went and took a school hours job so he could do the school runs so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I’m the one who worked very hard (initially as a single parent) to put myself through an OU degree to better my life. I’m more then happy to pay for breakfast club and after school club etc so dh can earn more but he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to work in low paid retail. I worked hard for better for myself - not to carry another adult through life.
You are all seeing this from the idea that the mother always sacrifices her salary but I just see the other side. The feminist in me says 50/50 is the fairest way

I earn a lot more than my OH and I am a feminist. I don't agree with you. Your DP may well have motives not to work that are about being there for the children and enriching their lives in a way which wrap around care can't. You are not carrying an adult through life, you are parenting. There are many ways to do that and this is one of them.

When DH and I met, I was the higher earner, he moved into my apartment. I split the bills with him proportionately so we paid the share proportionate to our earnings into a bill account.

Later, when we got married we opened joint accounts. All money is family money but none of it is earned by me at the moment. I’m a SAHM for now. Obviously, if either of us want a particular thing we just plan for it. It’s not an asking for permission to spend thing.

I earned more, now he earns more, presumably at some point we’ll be evens again. It’ll work out in the wash. I don’t understand how other people keep it separate tbh, it seems a bit of a faff.